Autistic partner - advice needed please

I have been in a relationship with my 39 year old partner for just over a year though we have been friends for around 3 years. We have fallen out over silly things in the past and he has said some things that have hurt and upset me as he has no empathy. Also, I am his first girlfriend, he has never been in a relationship before. I am very patient with him and he has shown how caring and affectionate he can be but recently we ended up having a disagreement after he had said something upsetting in a message, then the next day he said he shouldn't have said that but thought I deserved it for things I had said in the past. It escalated from there, he said he only apologised to stop me from crying, now hes not talking to me and said some nasty things to me a few nights ago over messenger. I have only ever helped him and been kind, why does he do this? My nerves are frayed and I hate the silence.

  • Autistic Women on youtube made a video, i thought i may help.

    www.youtube.com/watch

  • I’m sorry you’ve had this experience with your boyfriend.

    You have the right to be treated kindly and respectfully by your boyfriend - him being autistic in no way changes that important principle.

     If you still want to save your relationship I would write to him and explain to him - in a very calm way - how you feel and why. Tell him that you would like to keep seeing him but that you have some needs and boundaries that are really important to him - and explain to  him what they are. It’s important to have firm boundaries in relationships - most times it’s not necessary to actually explain them because it’s often quite instinctual - but your partner made need this being made clear to him by you if he doesn’t pick up on the subtle signs and signals you have most likely been giving him. 
    Make it clear to him that you care for him and respect him - and that is why you want to improve your relationship so that you can BOTH be happier in it. 

    if he doesn’t respond to this in a respectful and caring way that you are happy with then it might be that this relationship is maybe not going to work. 

    good luck! 

  • It sounds like you're going though a lot.

    I'm a little confused, you said he has no empathy and then also said he's been caring and affectionate. 

    One of the biggest problems between NeuroTypical individuals and Autistics is miscommunication, misunderstanding and misinterpretation. This is probably the main reason why we have the term "autistic". In an ideal world, a NeuroTypical would come to their senses and realise that they perceive all communication with a bit of control and the autistic would think through their words and realise they need to analyse things and not people. But life is messy and complicated and not this simple.

    In a less ideal world an immature autistic uses language in the wrong ways (such as using cup to mean teapot) and a young NT throws about phrases to dominate and discard. The autistic seeking pragmatics and the neuorypical seeking semiotics.

    Sometimes it's much better for a moment of silence so everyone can calm down, but Autistic individuals may need a great more time to sift through emotions and thoughts as they can be overwhelming and unidentifiable. 

    A mature navigation here would be to let him know you will respect his silence if he can give you a date and time to sit down and speak. Should he give you one, follow through, don't bug him and do something else until then. Indefinite postponement is unkind. Forcing an issue is unkind. Moments like these are best if you treat each other with the mature respect one might give a client. Good luck.

  • Hi

    Thank you for sharing this with the community. I'm sorry to hear that you and your partner are going through this. You may like to have a look at the following information from the NAS, which may help you navigate your own relationship:
    https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/family-life-and-relationships/family-life/partners 

    All the best,

    ChloeMod