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Does anyone else hate it when people say "everyone's on the spectrum"?

Liv
over 11 years ago

Hi everyone,

I've been feeling really low lately and something that hasn't helped is the subject matter of a class debate we had the other day. We began to talk about autism and Asperger's Syndrome, and this popular girl who has no communication or social difficulties whatsoever (in fact one of her many gifts is that she makes everyone love her) says, "Everyone's on the spectrum, it's just to what extent. My cousins are autistic, so I know." 

And...I know we're all entitled to our own opinions and beliefs. And it's not like that was the first time I had ever heard this theory, and to be quite honest, I'm not the most severely Asperger's person in the world. In fact, you'd probably say I had it quite mildly - particularly if you were an adult meeting me, as adults seem to bring out the best in me in a way that my peers can't. But when I saw her sitting there and just saying that, surrounded by all her friends kissing up to her and agreeing with her, whilst she'd just been going on about the party she was off to the next day, and the gig she was going to soon with another girl on our table, I just wanted to say, "OK. So you believe everyone's got autism. You try living a day in my life - seeing everyone make friends around you whilst you're left completely alone, no matter how hard you try. You try knowing you're different ever since you're old enough to think, and then tell me everyone's on the spectrum, because I think you might feel differently then. You've got no idea how lucky you are! I'd give anything to be accepted and supported by everyone like you are."

Now, I know she doesn't mean that everyone is autistic or AS to the point of diagnosis. She just means that we've all got little tendencies here and there. But, though I wouldn't say it to her or any of the kids at school as it makes me sound like I'm just making trouble or feeling sorry for myself or using any excuse to have a big, dramatic, overemotional reaction, I found it really difficult to hear that from her, and in my personal opinion it's actually quite an insensitive thing to say to/in front of someone with any form of autism. (She does know I have AS, and she says she believes it's true but I don't think she does - none of the others do.)

Am I being out of order? 

Thanks for reading, 

Liv x

Parents
  • over 11 years ago

    Yes I am very new on here and I didn't see the rest of the thread.  I thought it was the first of a new post and yes, I did read it as a teenager feeling down and isolated, particularly from groups with interests s/he didn't share or get.  While I've now looked again and seen this thread is about something completely different and therefore how out of place my post is, 

    1) quite clearly it was posted by someone who hadn't got what you were actually discussing, 
    2) quite clearly is it written by someone demonstrating good intentions and 
    3) quite clearly it is therefore not meant to be condescending.  
    Those points notwithstanding, if I offended then I entirely and unreservedly apologise for that.  
    Given what I thought the post was saying, my reply was meant to be compassionate and pointing out that teenage years are especially difficult but then when someone becomes an adult, they tend to gravitate towards life/careers etc with people who are more similar and in any case, the things that teenagers are interested in are vacuous to the adult mind and their importance disappears with age.  Yes, I know very well the higher incidence of suicide, that knowledge is never far from my mind whenever my son talks of problems and that point more than most made me reply initially (given my misunderstanding of the point being made of course).  I wanted to give some hope that these specific difficulties would become less acute.  It wasn't about 'you'll grow out of it', it was more about that 'other people will grow up more' and you'll be able to find more people more similar to you /more tolerant to difference with the natural course of time.
    I am not NT, Ive carried out years of research on Autism but mostly I speak as a mother of a teenage son with Aspergers. I'm watching him with his struggles and seeing him work to manage them.  My maternal button was pressed and I simply wanted to reach out and say it won't always be giggling groups of girls laughing about nail varnish or what boy they fancy.  When you grow up, people are more sensible and value more sensible qualities and you will find your place that you will feel more suited to, with people that are more respectful of you and your differences and of the contribution you make. 
    I joined this forum because I could really have done with a forum years ago when my son was a baby, what I craved was a glimpse into his future and how it would be for him.  I've seen some of the difficulties now and I thought someone with the years of perspective on it might have something to contribute to the community.  I find the almost militant reaction to a misplaced but benign post disturbing - both the automatic assumption that I was trying to be condescending and the sentence 'you're writing as a neurotypical etc' implying that my view was therefore by default not worth anything.  It's a worthy aim to get the world to be more understanding, my son is a fine young man, his difficulties lie in other people's intolerance and lack of desire to embrace difference, not with him. But you seem to be demonstrating that very same lack of tolerance and embrace and I find that unpleasant.
    I've probably still offended everyone and will still get a reply telling me I've been patronising, condescending etc.  Please save your time as I shall remove myself from this site anyway. It's not what I thought it would be and I don't want to be part of it.
Reply
  • over 11 years ago

    Yes I am very new on here and I didn't see the rest of the thread.  I thought it was the first of a new post and yes, I did read it as a teenager feeling down and isolated, particularly from groups with interests s/he didn't share or get.  While I've now looked again and seen this thread is about something completely different and therefore how out of place my post is, 

    1) quite clearly it was posted by someone who hadn't got what you were actually discussing, 
    2) quite clearly is it written by someone demonstrating good intentions and 
    3) quite clearly it is therefore not meant to be condescending.  
    Those points notwithstanding, if I offended then I entirely and unreservedly apologise for that.  
    Given what I thought the post was saying, my reply was meant to be compassionate and pointing out that teenage years are especially difficult but then when someone becomes an adult, they tend to gravitate towards life/careers etc with people who are more similar and in any case, the things that teenagers are interested in are vacuous to the adult mind and their importance disappears with age.  Yes, I know very well the higher incidence of suicide, that knowledge is never far from my mind whenever my son talks of problems and that point more than most made me reply initially (given my misunderstanding of the point being made of course).  I wanted to give some hope that these specific difficulties would become less acute.  It wasn't about 'you'll grow out of it', it was more about that 'other people will grow up more' and you'll be able to find more people more similar to you /more tolerant to difference with the natural course of time.
    I am not NT, Ive carried out years of research on Autism but mostly I speak as a mother of a teenage son with Aspergers. I'm watching him with his struggles and seeing him work to manage them.  My maternal button was pressed and I simply wanted to reach out and say it won't always be giggling groups of girls laughing about nail varnish or what boy they fancy.  When you grow up, people are more sensible and value more sensible qualities and you will find your place that you will feel more suited to, with people that are more respectful of you and your differences and of the contribution you make. 
    I joined this forum because I could really have done with a forum years ago when my son was a baby, what I craved was a glimpse into his future and how it would be for him.  I've seen some of the difficulties now and I thought someone with the years of perspective on it might have something to contribute to the community.  I find the almost militant reaction to a misplaced but benign post disturbing - both the automatic assumption that I was trying to be condescending and the sentence 'you're writing as a neurotypical etc' implying that my view was therefore by default not worth anything.  It's a worthy aim to get the world to be more understanding, my son is a fine young man, his difficulties lie in other people's intolerance and lack of desire to embrace difference, not with him. But you seem to be demonstrating that very same lack of tolerance and embrace and I find that unpleasant.
    I've probably still offended everyone and will still get a reply telling me I've been patronising, condescending etc.  Please save your time as I shall remove myself from this site anyway. It's not what I thought it would be and I don't want to be part of it.
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