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desperate and not sure what to do now .

C&C

my autistic son is 13 his diagnosis was given some years ago and we as a family have coped for years pretty much alone ,it is me as a single mum and 4 other children ,22,19,16 and 6yrs as well as my 13yr old ,

after fighting formany years to find a great school for my son which he has been in now for several years we have recieved no help from anyone else or rather have never been given any info as to where to find appropriate help ,but have always managed untill now

my sons diagnosis was high fuctioning autism with traits of aspergers and several learning disabilities ,

the learning side is being dealt with by the school and is managed well and improving while still nowhere near what a child of his age would be he is doing well but it is his behavioural problems which i am struggling to deal with now .

i have read often the posts here but never written it isnt something i do ,i find myself very withdraw from any kind of social life now for some time but feel desperate right now so asking for advice if i can from you all as it seems many of you go through similar things as i am .

over the years my sons behaviour both at school and home has become increasingly difficult to manage ,obviously at school he has professional staff trained to deal with his increasing distructive and dangerous behaviour they watch him 24/7 and will if necessary restrict hs behaviour by using official restraining methods but they dont like doing this unless necessary and no other options but recently this has been more and more necessary as his behaviour has become more and more violent and dangerous for him and others around him,

however at home now he is as big and twice as strong as me i cannot do anything even remotely similar to remove him from the situation ,and he knows that very well these days

he is like jekle and hyde one miute a marvel helping with things ,he loves to be given tasks to do and he loves to help with his little brother ,he fusses around him like a mother hen but then for what seems like no reason at all (and yes ive spent years looking for triggers and on the whole there is no one thing and rarely and signs of chage comming)he will change and become an absolute vile moster and it hurts me to describe him as that but i dont know how else to describe it

he swears constantly and horribly at me and anyone else around includng his little brother and he threatens to smash everything and believe me there isnt much left now that he hasnt damaged ,including the house itself ,

thats another problem we live in rented property and there are so may doors kicked off their hinges and hole made in them and holes in the walls and god knows what else i dont know how to cover them all up anymore when the landlords agents come to check the property any more and i am terrified ww will be asked to leave soon and the we will have no home

his violence is not aimed just at the house and the furiture anymore ,he knows now he can hurt me and does often ,he pushes and kicks me and causes bruises ,no breaks as yet but i am just waiting for them ,

at school he does similar kicks and hurts throws things breaks things but they have 4 staff to every child there and only 20 kids i the school to deal with here often its just me ,my eldest son helps when he is here which often is a god send as he has to restrain and remove him but he should not have to do this

my biggest fear right now is that i will call the doctor for help or someone although im not sure who and the help will come in the form of them removing him from my house because they say i cannot care for him ,this is something i dont want to happen and hate the thought of that i love him very much and he loves me ,he just doesnt kow how to control these outbursts and neither do we .

i am very sorry for the very very long post here but i am lost and dont know where else to go right now ,and scared to lose my son and have social services watching my other kids but i need some advice and some help from somewhere ,

so thankyou all in advance for whatever your replies may have to say i am sure they will all be full of great advice .

 

  • The drugs don't have to be forever. My son had one stint when he was 14 and had to more secondary school - he was on a very low done - we had to cut the tiniest tablets into 4.

    However it did help him. He was on them for about 10 months. He went back on them again at 17 , when he was eventually diagnosed with Aspergers. he was very stressed/ anxious at this time  ( but it manifested itself as angry and violent) He stayed on them til he was 18 and had to come off, becasue he wasn't allowed to be on that drug for that reason. He switched to anti - depressants at that time ( prozac equivalent) as depression was a big issues . He has been on these for a year - but is now off them.

    I can honestly say he did not seem like a person on medications. The risperidone helped him feel more in controll and the anti depressants kept his worries in perspective .

     I am glad he is off them, but only because I know if he becomes troubled again he beleives they will help him and he can go back on them. Its another tool in our tool kit.

    Another though it can you ghet accessto a support worker for him. My son was assessed as an adult, but has a support worker come to him for 2 hours a week every other week. It's another young lad and they just go and do young lad things together - tonight they are playing tennis.

    It's worth contacting the council and seeing what practical support you can access.

    He also plays football with a special needs group.

    The voluntary sector has given upon my son too as he is a liability, but I have found more specialist activities which he loves,

     

  • yes my son sees a couple of specialists and so i will discuss it with them ,

    and thanks for all your advice or more your words of experience ,it is always good to hear how things have been for others in a similar situation so thanks again

  • yes i think that hormones may be playing a big part right now actually because of the increase in his violent behaviour recently

    i am waiting on a doctors appointment to discuss if there is anything we can do right now and whether hormones is thought to be playing its part ,

    i really dont want to put my son on long term medication unless there is no other alternative and unless i will increase hs quality of life to a large extent if he will benifit from it then i will consider it because it is after all all i want for him to be happy and more able to cope with life

    MUM OF 3 : you mentioned the medication took the edge of his behaviour ,but can i ask was it a very recognisable difference ,did it have any real effect ,this is my issue with the drugs ,will the results be worth creating a long term medicated child or not ?

     

  • no he is not on any medication a choice i made some time ago but i think this is probably something we need to look at again now things have gotten worse ,i never wanted him on lots of drugs because i had heard so may horror stories about being stuck on them for life etc etc again probably lack of information i should have been given .

    yes we claim DLA for him and do use some to repair what we can but he also has may obsessive behaviours which cost money which it gets used for ,for example he will only where certain clothes and shoes and ofcourse they are expesive and he goes through them so very quickly i repair them as we go along but they never last very long

    outside of school he does not go to any clubs etc as he is always too destructive ,we will take him and he will be fine for one or two sessions but then someone will say something or do something he doesnt like or feels unnecessary or whatever and he will start getting abusive etc anyway its always the same story ,they start of with we woud love to have your so his problems are no problem then very very quickly it changes to we appreciate its hard etc etc but he is disrupting it for everyone else and so we dont go again and we live in a village and so there are no specific clubs for autistic kids or any special needs facilities here for that matter ,he travels an hour to school every mornig and an hour back because it is the closest and best school to us for him so we dont have much near us suitable .

    "where people dont let him down" that shouts out loud to me ,its something he feels alot he will say it all the time he let me down or he promised and then didnt do it,

    everything is literal,if you say you will go next week he will say next week is in 2 days meaning its saturday now and monday is next week and so he will expect to go on monday ,we have to be extreamly clear about when things will happen ,often to the hour well in advance so we would say next tuesday after school at 5pm for example and god help me if we forget because he sure as hell wont and sometimes its just not possible to do it when ive said for one reason or another never intentionial but when you have 5 kids things happen sometimes ad cannot be avioded ,

    in his free time outside of school he loves to ride his skateboard which means he must always be supervised out side ,we have a quite lane infront our house which is great for the skateboards but still he can never be alone outside as he disappears he is obsessed with bear grylls and living outside and survival stuff and always carries a back pack o his pck full of all his survival kit and will run off into the woods close by nd he would actually stay there if we allowed him too ,

    and yes we do camp outs there with him when the weather is better ad cook food over the fire etc just as he likes ,we have always entered into his obsessions with him vry freely and allowed him to do his own thing because its always been important for me to let him have these things because they are clearly very important to him.

    as for no confrontation its difficult ,because he knows now that he is bigger than me and asks for things he kows i cant give into him with almost as a way to start a fight because he is angry ,im not sure that makes any sense

    yesterdays was about keys he decided he wanted to go out and i was not allowed to go with him (sometimes recently this is hs new thing ,im going out on my own, because he sees the big kids do it ,he does it at school too runs off several times a week and if he cannot get out he climbs on the roof ,they have to call out the police etc at least once a week to help them find or rescue him even with all there staff and expertise )and so i had no choice but to say no to him, so i had to simply lock all the doors and remove the keys but then comes the swearing and threats of violence and it doesnt matter what you say to him and how calm things are made inside the house and even if there is silence etc we have tried everything and ultimately he will start to grab and throw and usually my eldest has to step in and restrain him and it seems right now being restrained is the only thing which can stop it ,he will calm alot quicker when restrained and i mean seriously restrained so he cannot move at all i liken it to a human straight jacket my eldest will hve to literally wrap himself around him arms nd legs and prevent any movement at all for at least 10 mins but often as long as 30mins but it works as much as i hate it  ,he hates it too he always screams because he hates that kind of physical contact or at least that amount of it ,

    we have tried the weighted blankets etc and have several very very expensive ones which weight more than i do and they work in certain sitautions but again its something he has to be willing to allow to be put on him or use and seems these days he hates everything that we used to be able to use .the weighted blankets etc he will use after he has calmed down seems to cofort him then when he is feeling bad ,but more often than not he seems to kow he did wrong but not what he did ,he knows he said bad things and hurt me im guessing thats more because he sees things broken and me hurt and he knows he swears when he gets mad but he cannot tell you why he got so mad etc but that doesnt surprise me he never could .

     

  • Sorry to her how things  are.  I understand - I have been there. I'll post more later, but is he on any medication? Risperidone helped my son and later  anti depressants. He is 19 now.

    Short term, I would avoid confrontation for your own safety. He doesn't want to hurt you , or your family or damage your house, he just gets overwhelmed with his emotions. If you can leave him to calm down on his own its better- i appreciate its not always possible. It's better he damages things not people.

    Are you claiming DLA for him?  For my son we use this money to put right things that get broken as he hates it too, as it reminds him of the bad times.

    Keeping my son busy helps - with activities where people don't let him down. What does your son do outside of school? Is there anything local he could join?

    Kepp talking on this forum. Please understand and will be able to help not judge