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Ignorant learning support assistant has made me SO angry!

Liv

Hi all,

Yesterday, I had what was in my view a very upsetting and infuriating encounter with a learning support assistant at school. I'm very sorry to rant at you all but I feel like I need to tell the whole story as I found what happened very hurtful. I'd be interested to know what your opinions are as my parents are saying I'm overreacting - which I probably am - so if you've got a second, do feel free to comment.

OK, so this woman runs a room for the ASD (ASC? I've been told it's changed) children at school social times, such as morning breaktimes, lunchtimes and the sort of half-hour period when people have arrived at school but lessons haven't yet started. As someone with Asperger's who doesn't have a particular friendship group and experiences her fair share of cruel treatment from her peers, I have been using this room as my refuge since October last year (which was actually a couple of weeks before I had the results from my ADOS, so I wasn't even diagnosed but I was given permission to go there. But that's not really relevant.)

A lot of the children who use the room as their place of sanctuary are a lot younger than me (still in Key Stage Three and struggling academically, whereas I am in Year Eleven about to sit my exams.) And these children have had their diagnoses since very young ages and the reality is, their difficulties are more significant and visible than mine. Though I'm diagnosed, this is recent and my difficulties were hidden for years from my Cambridge educated GP and several mental health professionals, so of course it is likely they'll be invisible to other people as well. And this is true of this woman.

Having worked every day with these children who she perceives as far worse off than me, she judged me from the beginning as a pathetic drama queen who needs to grow a pair. Every day I have gone into that room, she's made a little dig at me. She treats me like the help in there - she doesn't think I have my own issues at all. After I had been coming in a few weeks, she told the children that I was there to talk to them about their problems and help with their homework. I was fine with this as I think the children are brilliant and they're the closest things to friends I've had in years really, but it stung a little bit as I wanted to come in there to shelter as much as they did, and I wanted to be treated like a child who needed a room to support them (if that makes sense, it probably doesn't) and not like the big girl helper.

This woman has often said things to me such as, "You don't have to worry, you're really bright. These poor little children will struggle to get the lowest grades," or, "I believe everyone's on the spectrum, so I'm afraid you're nothing special, ha ha ha," or, "You're very social - you'll be fine in life, you don't need any help at all." Or when I've talked about my obsessions she's gone, "I think that's a bit sad, Olivia," whereas she'll talk for hours with the other children about their interests. This has been chipping away at me almost from the day I started using the room, but I have kept going because I have nowhere else to go, and because of the children. I feel like I've befriended them - especially a girl a couple of years below me, who I talk to a lot.

Anyway, now for the story. (Finally!) Yesterday breaktime in the room, I was talking to the girl I just mentioned about how difficult I have found my years at school. How I don't really have a friendship group and never have. How people tease me, and how unhappy I am. Anyway, the woman overheard and said, "Um, Olivia!" and then shook her head in an incredibly condescending way. "Speak to me at the end." So she held me back and prevented me from going to my lesson, which was Biology and I'm due to set a GCSE exam in that in less than eight weeks, so I was already angry. Then she said to me, "You were my example that things got better in Year Eleven, so I'll thank you not to burden the children with things like that. I'm trying to make this room as positive an atmosphere as possible. These children are very unhappy at school, and I don't need it dramatised."

And that just devastated me, and made me so utterly furious. Why should I be an example to anyone, especially surrounding something that's a complete lie? I haven't been happy at school, and I wasn't talking to the girl as a counsellor, I was talking to her as a friend, and it was my conversation that woman invaded. So I continued to say, rightly or wrongly, that my challenges were different as I'm so neurotypical in so many ways. I'm on track to get good GCSEs and I'm a principal role in the school production. Most of the children in the room aren't like that. Yet I see more clearly than they do my neurotypical peers being accepted by each other and laughing with their friends, and I can't have that, which hurts. I tried to explain this, but she wouldn't even let me finish the sentence saying and I quote, "Please don't make this about you, Olivia. It's not a competition of who's worse or best off. And don't be so aggressive - I refuse to argue with you."

I realised I wasn't getting anywhere, so I left and wept all the way to my lesson. She made me feel awful. Has anyone else had an experience like this? I've heard it's common with AS girls.

Thanks for your time,

Liv xxx

Parents

  • Hi Liv. I was diagnosed when I was 17 with Aspergers Syndrome. Fortunately there was a lovely SEN teacher who was happy to sit with me, let me explain my difficulties without judging me. She understood that my issues were serious, especially to me. It got to the point where stress from my 6th form led to me developing allopecia (my hair started falling out of its own accord).

    Like you, once the door was opened I started spending time down in the SEN room. As I was doing A levels at the time I did stay up in the common room a lot because we were allowed to listen to loud music, but every friday, I went down to SEN with my friend and we'd spend time among the other kids, many of which had varying forms of autism.

    I came to see them as my friends, and the brilliant SEN teacher encouraged me to behave around them the way I wanted to, to the point where I was openly initiating conversation and not parroting back 'appropriate phrases'. I enjoyed spending time with the kids, even though they were all in years 10 and below, while I was in year 13.

    But I was encouraged to speak to the other kids about my issues, about what I struggle with. We bonded over things we couldn't understand about NT behaviour, about coping strategies, and our sense of humour.

    Not too long ago, I went back to the school (am in uni now) to talk to the same kids about what I went through, and to talk to one in particular about what I've gone through. The brilliant SEN teacher wanted me to be as honest as possible. And I was. Because even though I did well grades-wise in high school, I ended up suffering from crippling depression, and even developed servere ocd tendancies.I told this boy everything, from how I was suicidal, how I got diagnosed, what I struggle with, how I reacted to my diagnosis, and finally how I've managed to develop to the point where I'm now happy to live alone, at uni, miles from my family.

    I'm lucky in the sense I've learned how to enjoy being myself, and how to find real friends who like me for who I am and are willing to help me with my weaknesses without expecting anything in return.

    This SEN teacher knows nothing about ASD if she judges it based on how 'bad' it affects people. It affects everyone with autism, no matter if its Aspergers, or lower down the spectrum. These kids are smart, they tend to be more down to earth than most kids and they'll want the truth. They should be encouraged to be happy about themselves and who they are, not aspire to some unachievable myth that will only drive them into depression when they realise its beyond their grasp.

    You have every right to be annoyed. Yes, you'll face this sort of predjudice your whole life, but for the sake of the other kids, you should confront this SEN assitant and try to teach her how ASD affects you, and that it is a serious matter, that you do need support. Because sooner or later, another young girl is going to get diagnosed with Aspergers, and may be driven away or worse from the lack of support. So don't be made to feel ashamed of your feelings, because they're there for a reason. :)

Reply

  • Hi Liv. I was diagnosed when I was 17 with Aspergers Syndrome. Fortunately there was a lovely SEN teacher who was happy to sit with me, let me explain my difficulties without judging me. She understood that my issues were serious, especially to me. It got to the point where stress from my 6th form led to me developing allopecia (my hair started falling out of its own accord).

    Like you, once the door was opened I started spending time down in the SEN room. As I was doing A levels at the time I did stay up in the common room a lot because we were allowed to listen to loud music, but every friday, I went down to SEN with my friend and we'd spend time among the other kids, many of which had varying forms of autism.

    I came to see them as my friends, and the brilliant SEN teacher encouraged me to behave around them the way I wanted to, to the point where I was openly initiating conversation and not parroting back 'appropriate phrases'. I enjoyed spending time with the kids, even though they were all in years 10 and below, while I was in year 13.

    But I was encouraged to speak to the other kids about my issues, about what I struggle with. We bonded over things we couldn't understand about NT behaviour, about coping strategies, and our sense of humour.

    Not too long ago, I went back to the school (am in uni now) to talk to the same kids about what I went through, and to talk to one in particular about what I've gone through. The brilliant SEN teacher wanted me to be as honest as possible. And I was. Because even though I did well grades-wise in high school, I ended up suffering from crippling depression, and even developed servere ocd tendancies.I told this boy everything, from how I was suicidal, how I got diagnosed, what I struggle with, how I reacted to my diagnosis, and finally how I've managed to develop to the point where I'm now happy to live alone, at uni, miles from my family.

    I'm lucky in the sense I've learned how to enjoy being myself, and how to find real friends who like me for who I am and are willing to help me with my weaknesses without expecting anything in return.

    This SEN teacher knows nothing about ASD if she judges it based on how 'bad' it affects people. It affects everyone with autism, no matter if its Aspergers, or lower down the spectrum. These kids are smart, they tend to be more down to earth than most kids and they'll want the truth. They should be encouraged to be happy about themselves and who they are, not aspire to some unachievable myth that will only drive them into depression when they realise its beyond their grasp.

    You have every right to be annoyed. Yes, you'll face this sort of predjudice your whole life, but for the sake of the other kids, you should confront this SEN assitant and try to teach her how ASD affects you, and that it is a serious matter, that you do need support. Because sooner or later, another young girl is going to get diagnosed with Aspergers, and may be driven away or worse from the lack of support. So don't be made to feel ashamed of your feelings, because they're there for a reason. :)

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