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Ignorant learning support assistant has made me SO angry!

Liv

Hi all,

Yesterday, I had what was in my view a very upsetting and infuriating encounter with a learning support assistant at school. I'm very sorry to rant at you all but I feel like I need to tell the whole story as I found what happened very hurtful. I'd be interested to know what your opinions are as my parents are saying I'm overreacting - which I probably am - so if you've got a second, do feel free to comment.

OK, so this woman runs a room for the ASD (ASC? I've been told it's changed) children at school social times, such as morning breaktimes, lunchtimes and the sort of half-hour period when people have arrived at school but lessons haven't yet started. As someone with Asperger's who doesn't have a particular friendship group and experiences her fair share of cruel treatment from her peers, I have been using this room as my refuge since October last year (which was actually a couple of weeks before I had the results from my ADOS, so I wasn't even diagnosed but I was given permission to go there. But that's not really relevant.)

A lot of the children who use the room as their place of sanctuary are a lot younger than me (still in Key Stage Three and struggling academically, whereas I am in Year Eleven about to sit my exams.) And these children have had their diagnoses since very young ages and the reality is, their difficulties are more significant and visible than mine. Though I'm diagnosed, this is recent and my difficulties were hidden for years from my Cambridge educated GP and several mental health professionals, so of course it is likely they'll be invisible to other people as well. And this is true of this woman.

Having worked every day with these children who she perceives as far worse off than me, she judged me from the beginning as a pathetic drama queen who needs to grow a pair. Every day I have gone into that room, she's made a little dig at me. She treats me like the help in there - she doesn't think I have my own issues at all. After I had been coming in a few weeks, she told the children that I was there to talk to them about their problems and help with their homework. I was fine with this as I think the children are brilliant and they're the closest things to friends I've had in years really, but it stung a little bit as I wanted to come in there to shelter as much as they did, and I wanted to be treated like a child who needed a room to support them (if that makes sense, it probably doesn't) and not like the big girl helper.

This woman has often said things to me such as, "You don't have to worry, you're really bright. These poor little children will struggle to get the lowest grades," or, "I believe everyone's on the spectrum, so I'm afraid you're nothing special, ha ha ha," or, "You're very social - you'll be fine in life, you don't need any help at all." Or when I've talked about my obsessions she's gone, "I think that's a bit sad, Olivia," whereas she'll talk for hours with the other children about their interests. This has been chipping away at me almost from the day I started using the room, but I have kept going because I have nowhere else to go, and because of the children. I feel like I've befriended them - especially a girl a couple of years below me, who I talk to a lot.

Anyway, now for the story. (Finally!) Yesterday breaktime in the room, I was talking to the girl I just mentioned about how difficult I have found my years at school. How I don't really have a friendship group and never have. How people tease me, and how unhappy I am. Anyway, the woman overheard and said, "Um, Olivia!" and then shook her head in an incredibly condescending way. "Speak to me at the end." So she held me back and prevented me from going to my lesson, which was Biology and I'm due to set a GCSE exam in that in less than eight weeks, so I was already angry. Then she said to me, "You were my example that things got better in Year Eleven, so I'll thank you not to burden the children with things like that. I'm trying to make this room as positive an atmosphere as possible. These children are very unhappy at school, and I don't need it dramatised."

And that just devastated me, and made me so utterly furious. Why should I be an example to anyone, especially surrounding something that's a complete lie? I haven't been happy at school, and I wasn't talking to the girl as a counsellor, I was talking to her as a friend, and it was my conversation that woman invaded. So I continued to say, rightly or wrongly, that my challenges were different as I'm so neurotypical in so many ways. I'm on track to get good GCSEs and I'm a principal role in the school production. Most of the children in the room aren't like that. Yet I see more clearly than they do my neurotypical peers being accepted by each other and laughing with their friends, and I can't have that, which hurts. I tried to explain this, but she wouldn't even let me finish the sentence saying and I quote, "Please don't make this about you, Olivia. It's not a competition of who's worse or best off. And don't be so aggressive - I refuse to argue with you."

I realised I wasn't getting anywhere, so I left and wept all the way to my lesson. She made me feel awful. Has anyone else had an experience like this? I've heard it's common with AS girls.

Thanks for your time,

Liv xxx

  • Hi Stranger, thanks for your reply. Yes, it is annoying and upsetting but I'm glad I've got the support of my parents - I know I said they accused me of overreacting, but I think they meant that I should just turn the other cheek and accept that ignorance is its own punishment. I'm also glad I've got the support of the people on this forum - the replies have been brilliant! Smile x

  • Hi Liv. I was diagnosed when I was 17 with Aspergers Syndrome. Fortunately there was a lovely SEN teacher who was happy to sit with me, let me explain my difficulties without judging me. She understood that my issues were serious, especially to me. It got to the point where stress from my 6th form led to me developing allopecia (my hair started falling out of its own accord).

    Like you, once the door was opened I started spending time down in the SEN room. As I was doing A levels at the time I did stay up in the common room a lot because we were allowed to listen to loud music, but every friday, I went down to SEN with my friend and we'd spend time among the other kids, many of which had varying forms of autism.

    I came to see them as my friends, and the brilliant SEN teacher encouraged me to behave around them the way I wanted to, to the point where I was openly initiating conversation and not parroting back 'appropriate phrases'. I enjoyed spending time with the kids, even though they were all in years 10 and below, while I was in year 13.

    But I was encouraged to speak to the other kids about my issues, about what I struggle with. We bonded over things we couldn't understand about NT behaviour, about coping strategies, and our sense of humour.

    Not too long ago, I went back to the school (am in uni now) to talk to the same kids about what I went through, and to talk to one in particular about what I've gone through. The brilliant SEN teacher wanted me to be as honest as possible. And I was. Because even though I did well grades-wise in high school, I ended up suffering from crippling depression, and even developed servere ocd tendancies.I told this boy everything, from how I was suicidal, how I got diagnosed, what I struggle with, how I reacted to my diagnosis, and finally how I've managed to develop to the point where I'm now happy to live alone, at uni, miles from my family.

    I'm lucky in the sense I've learned how to enjoy being myself, and how to find real friends who like me for who I am and are willing to help me with my weaknesses without expecting anything in return.

    This SEN teacher knows nothing about ASD if she judges it based on how 'bad' it affects people. It affects everyone with autism, no matter if its Aspergers, or lower down the spectrum. These kids are smart, they tend to be more down to earth than most kids and they'll want the truth. They should be encouraged to be happy about themselves and who they are, not aspire to some unachievable myth that will only drive them into depression when they realise its beyond their grasp.

    You have every right to be annoyed. Yes, you'll face this sort of predjudice your whole life, but for the sake of the other kids, you should confront this SEN assitant and try to teach her how ASD affects you, and that it is a serious matter, that you do need support. Because sooner or later, another young girl is going to get diagnosed with Aspergers, and may be driven away or worse from the lack of support. So don't be made to feel ashamed of your feelings, because they're there for a reason. :)

  • Hi - that's absolutely true, lots of girls with AS are completely misunderstood! My mum has had concerns about me having Asperger's since I was tiny, and in the past when she had spoken to people about it they all said, "Oh no, that's a boys' problem." This is untrue, but so many people saying that has still left me with this stigma that it's a boys-only condition, which is difficult for me sometimes as I feel like it is robbing me of my femininity (as dramatic and overly-poetic as that sounds!). However, I'm sure some of the boys with AS have the same problems with people not "getting" them or catering for their needs enough.

    On Monday my mum is going to get in touch with my head of year, who has been brilliant with us and we know she'll help. As I've said to other people, we're not really going to be complaining, just saying that this woman has upset me and we think that needs to be pointed out to her.

    As for your other questions, I am taking/have taken: English Literature, English Language, Maths, Triple Science (so that's Biology, Chemistry, Physics - three separate exams and grades) and German. I had no option with those. I would never in a million years have gone near Triple Science if I'd had the option! (Or Maths, but I've got my C now, so that's that. Wink) Then for my options, I picked Drama, History and Religious Studies. I don't get extra time, but I do exams in a separate room to the others and am allowed "rest breaks" where I'm just allowed to take a few moments to gather my thoughts if it gets too much. My psychiatrist did try to get me extra time, but the exam boards have apparently really cracked down on it and as I'd done the first lot of modules without any disastrously bad grades, they probably just thought I could cope without it.

    I really like what you said about us all being individuals - that's something I think about a lot. It seems as though everyone has their little speculation on what makes an AS person, but the reality is that we are humans just as much as anyone else and therefore one Aspie is going to be completely different to another! Thank you very much, I really appreciate it. Good luck to your daughter in her exams too! Smile xx

  • Hi there - I'm very glad you mentioned her boss, though you might not be as I am about to rant again! Laughing

    So a couple of months ago now, I set up a meeting with this woman's boss about my diagnosis, as I hadn't met the head of SENCo and thought (perhaps arrogantly) that she might want to meet me because I had recently been diagnosed with AS. Anyway, I went into her office, sat down and began to talk to her about the diagnosis, and she interrupted me halfway through a sentence (they ALL do that - and they lecture about social skills; personally I think that's very rude and therefore showing poor social skills!) She said, raising her eyebrows, "Have you actually been diagnosed? The school haven't had the paperwork, you see." I was surprised at this as I'd been told they were definitely going to receive a copy but I just thought, "OK, that's probably an honest mistake on someone's part somewhere along the line, I'm sure it's happened before." I tried not to blush when I saw how she was looking at me.

    Then, an LSA popped her head around the door, wanting to speak to this head of SENCo. She saw me and went, "Oh, sorry, Miss!" And the head of SENCo said, "Oh don't worry, Olivia's just leaving." I did blush then because I just felt so humiliated by the way she said it. Then she added to the LSA just as she was leaving, "We were just talking about Olivia's diagnosis - if it's true, of course."

    So I did leave then. And you're right, I would be totally wasting my time by talking to any of SENCo as they have been completely useless as far as I'm concerned. However, I do have some amazing support at school from my head of year, and my mum is going to speak to her on Monday, not really to make a complaint, but to say that this hurt my feelings and someone needs to explain to her, once and for all, what things are really like for me.

    Thanks for your help! Smile xx

  • Hi, thanks for replying. I do see your point but I personally don't think it's bullying - I think she thinks she's doing what's right and that she's supporting the right children and not giving any time to the drama queens, and she's wrong to think that but perhaps I should be thinking that ignorance is its own punishment and trying to get on with my life.

    It's true that she is pious and belittling me, but whether she means to do this or even knows she is doing this I'm not sure, and the last thing I would want to do is make an official accusation and cause myself extra worry on top of the exams, or worse, ruin anyone else's life. Formal complaints against teachers/LSAs etc. are obviously taken really seriously and your hear of teachers being sacked over such things.

    However, my mum says she is going to contact my head of year on Monday - not necessarily to make a complaint, but to say that this woman has upset me and she thinks someone should have a discussion with her about it. I've got to add, too, that though SENCo have been completely useless since my diagnosis, my head of year has been absolutely amazing, and my subject teachers are fantastic too. The school doesn't create difficulties for us - if my parents and I were to want something dealt with, we could easily see it done. I'm actually very lucky with my school - just not with the SENCo department.

    I'm so sorry to hear you had such a horrible experience. It is true that teachers victimising students doesn't get enough exposure - I'm not saying it has happened to me because it hasn't, but I know it does happen and students can find it hard to get support. I can imagine that some people may go into teaching in order to abuse their highly regarded position of trust, and use their power over the more vulnerable students. Perhaps they were once a vulnerable student themselves?

    Take care. Smile xx

  • Hi Azalea,

    Thanks for your reply - I think "odious" is a good way to describe her! I'm sorry you had such a horrible experience with your teacher. I'm glad they let you drop her lesson - it seems as though she was really going out of her way to be vile. The problem with this LSA is that I actually think she means well, she's just so stupid that she doesn't understand the high functioning end of the spectrum. It's sometimes easy to forget how underqualified these LSAs are - apparently they get paid the equivalent wages to cleaners! Not meaning to sound prejudiced or whatever - some of them are excellent, but this particular one is utterly useless.

    You're lucky you had the support of SENCo with this teacher, though. SENCo at my school have been absolutely rubbish as far as I'm concerned. I attempted to have a meeting with the head of SENCo a couple of months ago about my diagnosis and she, to cut a long story short, insinuated that I was lying about the whole thing (why on earth would I do that?). So I've stopped bothering with them and I go straight to my head of year instead, who is a fantastic lady and is always there for me, and for my parents too, if there are ever any problems. I probably shouldn't complain - I know I'm a lot better off than other people in other schools, where no one is there for them at all.

    Take care, and hope your guinea pigs are well! Smile

    xxx

  • Hi, thanks for your reply. Unfortunately, I don't think she knows much at all about AS, apart from the absolute basics which she had to learn for the job - and those don't apply to every Aspie by any stretch of the imagination. She does like to think she knows it all, though! Sadly, I've resolved to not go back into the room. I do like the kids but it can't be helped. I should really be spending my free time at school revising anyway, since I revise best at school as there are fewer distractions for me, believe it or not! Smile

  • Hi again Liv,

    I meant to ask you what subjects you are taking at GCSE,do you get any extra time in exams or anything else. 

    My daughter often finds teachers say very insensitive things and dont take into account her needs seriously enough.They often compare her to others but each person is a individual just because several people in school have Aspergers does not mean they are all the same.

  • She will have a boss, speak to her,, at least the next time,, she may shut her mouth. If her boss doesn't say anything her,, you are wasting your time, they are both insensitive to your needs.

    quote "Your parents need to make a formal complaint, but I can understand they are probably anxious not to force the issue, if the school is likely to create more difficulties."

     ... if this is the case ask an uncle or aunt to speak up for you.

  • This sounds like bullying. There is an issue where teachers bully, but I don't think it gets aired enough.

    It is discussed in Nick Dubin's book Asperger Syndrome and Bullying - Strategies and Solutions, Jessica Kingsley Publishers 2007.

    She is inflicting on you contrived moralities which she as a teacher should be helping you with.

    I suffered at 15 from a bully teacher. He thought it made him look good in front of the pupils to egg them on to bully the vulnerable one, and he wouldn't let up. My parents moved me to another school as I was declining for a number of reasons, but that did me a lot of harm.

    Your parents need to make a formal complaint, but I can understand they are probably anxious not to force the issue, if the school is likely to create more difficulties.

  • Hi Liv,

    I can see why you are upset and annoyed by what happened.I am a Mum of a 16 year old daughter who has only recently been diagnosed with Aspergers,girls with Aspergers are very much misunderstood.When my daughter was being tested for Aspergers we mentioned it to the head of learning support,their response was to say "oh no I dont think she's got that".

    Is there someone you could write to or email at school to tell them how this made you feel,maybe your head of year or someone in learning support.It is important for you to have the option of being able to go to this room and feel comfortable being there.

    Good luck with your exams.

  • I felt angry too with this woman. She obviously knows nothing about high functioning end and how we have different problems. I'd like to ask her what makes her think she knows about AS. She is really patronising. I would keep away from her, which is a pity because you seemed to get on with the kids.

  • How rude of her!

    If you want to be used as example for the children, then I see no problem. But from what you've said, this isn't the case and she wants you to be used as an example? I'd be pretty annoyed too.