Published on 12, July, 2020
I've realised that people prefer it if I start with pleasantries, not just going straight to the point of what I want to say.
e.g. just now I went to get my recycling bin after it had been emptied. At least I thought it was my bin. I saw my neighbour getting into his car so I called 'is this my bin?' He looked blankly at me and said, 'hello, how are you? Haven't seen you for a while.' I was confused, I needed to know if that bin was mine or his. He was confused because he hadn't seen me for a while and wanted to say hello, not talk about bins.
Then it dawned on me, ta dahhhhhhhhhh! I should have said 'hello how are you?' Before launching into the questions about the bin.
I like to get straight to the point, never mind chit chat. Most humans prefer the chit chat first.
I hope this has been helpful
I try to be friendly and I want to be social and conversational and enjoy consequential and inconsequential chat and conversation. No matter how much I prepare or dont prepare - learn or unlearn - there are occasions where I am simplyunable to speak or think in front of others. I dont want to offend others but it is like not having the capacity to see or not having a hand or a having a paralysed leg. Sorry if that seems inappropriate. If the basic equipment is there, it doesnt work. My mind closes down. My speech is erratic or selfconscious and halting - eg embarrasing inability to form sentences naturally. You can see the other person suddenly realising - 'oh hello, this one is a nutter'. As a little boy I was just described as 'shy' - which was an attempt to understand and contain the odd behaviour. I think 'shy' is supposed to have connotations of 'cute' and 'humble'. Well I was much further out than they thought and not waving but drowning. I have generally harboured strong feelings of antipathy towards humanity at times. The misanthropy is probably due to the intense pain and inability to relate.I'm a little better at it now after decades of ineptness - partly because you learn mechanically how to chitchat and get on with people. But I am always trying to get far away from other people. I have very limited resilience. I can quickly feel isolated and confused in company (even with family / friends etc - this condition does not recognise or adapt to those who are close. I will find intense, awkward talking to myself - 'how do I get out of this - I am panicking - help.' This alienation effect causes some kind of profound emotional 'wound' which then requires me to recuperate. The weekly pattern used to be reflect a cycle of pain/ healing. The clasical pattern was that monday was a good energised day. Tuesday was chugging along on the diminishing levels of 'fuel' in the tank. Wednesday was the turning point where I felt alittle more worn out than 'alive'. Thursday was struggle and then Friday was robotic with running on air, fake smiles, inner torture, heart racing, etc. Saturday was a shutdown day for recovery. Sunday was relatively light and pleasant and actually feeling refreshed - before the cycle returned to its doomladen journey of the week starting on monday. That's more or less gone. I cant even do the Mon-Fri anymore - I feel more knackered more quickly. You cant get on with people with that character and pattern of behaviour. Pofessional work is restricted because of this inescapable inability to sustain anything. You only just manage to get from one point to another - and that - like getting on with someone - is a fairly rare miracle.
I just had a round table meeting with colleagues - all full of good will and friendly and a relatively light business agenda to get through. I knew intellectually I had valid relevant points to make - which I did - always striving to smile and look nice even if I didnt want to be there and wasnt enthused by the business. I made some relevant points to one of the members and her face froze. What I said was relevant and useful - but something in the way I spoke or articulated the comments was unwelcome. Maybe I was too direct and brusque. Yet I consciously tried hard to be nice and collegiate and friendly. I end up blurting out things in some inappropriate way - instead of honeyed and polished. I can never learn the right attitude and manner. I start humourous and pally and then it quite quickly breaks up into that oddball being blunt and impolite. Wierdo.
My partner often tells me that it's not what I say, it's the way I say it.
My response is often to say that the words are literally the same so it's obvious what I meant. Of course, that's not really how language works. Intonation and all that...
Sometimes the problem is what I say.
To my way of being there are two ways to get a task done. Hack away at it slowly, learning as you go and trying to cover up your inevitable errors, or do nothing for ages except faff about and think, then do it all at once perfectly and move on. The first approach seems much more popular and pays better., I do the second one...
I found it out myself, bit to late though :P