As a late diagnosed autistic, looking back over life and various relationships, I am noticing an uncomfortable pattern, especially in my earlier days. I basically tried so hard to be accepted and fit in that, superficially at least, I lost all contact with my real desires and preferences. I also found myself in a string of relationships that, had they gone any further were bound not to work out. The reason? I was so heavily masking that any future based on that would have been very difficult and probably unsustainable.
And so, if a partner proclaimed his love for me, I'd be thinking, "But you don't know me!" At the same time, I'd feel powerless to do anything about it because, actually, I was perpetually afraid and anxious, I thought the mask was an improvement and also perhaps that everyone must be making the same effort? And if, after a fairly long period, the mask dropped a little, my partner might say something like, "You're not how I imagined you'd be," or "I see now that you were only a dream". And I would feel myself withdrawing as my fears began rising again. I'd kind of been rumbled but I didn't really know what had been going on.
Did I deliberately deceive? No. Well, leastways I think I was deceiving myself too, in addition to developing rather more slowly than my peers. But I look back and feel sad that not only did I hurt others but I also missed out on some early "real" relationships.
A couple of times, much later in life, former "loves" contacted me and made it clear that their feelings had remained constant. And I felt really bad. I don't think that I allowed them to know me. I was kind of acting out being the girl in the tampon advert (all joy, flowing scarves and barely contained physicality and oneness with the waves, running along on an endless beach), a few female leads from romantic films, some adapted phrases from all those girls in class who seemed more attractive and popular, a "manic pixie dream girl" perhaps. But the one thing I wasn't was me.
So I deprived myself and I deprived them. But I don't think that I could help it. Can anyone relate?
