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In Love with the Mask?

Jenny Butterfly

As a late diagnosed autistic, looking back over life and various relationships, I am noticing an uncomfortable pattern, especially in my earlier days.   I basically tried so hard to be accepted and fit in that, superficially at least, I lost all contact with my real desires and preferences.  I also found myself in a string of relationships that, had they gone any further were bound not to work out.  The reason?  I was so heavily masking that any future based on that would have been very difficult and probably unsustainable.  

And so, if a partner proclaimed his love for me, I'd be thinking, "But you don't know me!"    At the same time, I'd feel powerless to do anything about it because, actually, I was perpetually afraid and anxious, I thought the mask was an improvement and also perhaps that everyone must be making the same effort?  And if, after a fairly long period, the mask dropped a little, my partner might say something like, "You're not how I imagined you'd be," or "I see now that you were only a dream".  And I would feel myself withdrawing as my fears began rising again.  I'd kind of been rumbled but I didn't really know what had been going on. 

Did I deliberately deceive?  No.  Well, leastways I think I was deceiving myself too, in addition to developing rather more slowly than my peers.  But I look back and feel sad that not only did I hurt others but I also missed out on some early "real" relationships.  

A couple of times, much later in life, former "loves" contacted me and made it clear that their feelings had remained constant.  And I felt really bad.  I don't think that I allowed them to know me.  I was kind of acting out being the girl in the tampon advert (all joy, flowing scarves and barely contained physicality and oneness with the waves, running along on an endless beach), a few female leads from romantic films, some adapted phrases from all those girls in class who seemed more attractive and popular, a "manic pixie dream girl" perhaps.  But the one thing I wasn't was me.  

So I deprived myself and I deprived them.  But I don't think that I could help it.  Can anyone relate?

   

  • in reply to Martin

    Yes, it's true that I feel a sense of loss about it all.  And life does have a certain theatrical feel to it.  I wonder if it's more pronounced for autistic people.  I think it always was for me.

    These days I do still mask.  However, I'm conscious of it, I usually have more of a choice and I'm more aware of the consequences.  This makes quite a difference.  

    I sort of want to go back and apologise though, although the danger would be that this would open up too many issues in my life.  Plus I often think, "Never go back" because it doesn't feel as though we're meant to.  it could also turn out to be quite damaging in itself. 

  • in reply to ☕Tassimo ☕

    Ah, I see that most marriage vows need to be amended.  I did avoid a traditional wedding but, in terms of the meanings generally attached, even in a low key affair, that wasn't really avoiding the main complications at all.  

    ☕Tassimo ☕ said:
    I can't say I'll love you till death do us part, but I can say I'll love you for as long as you fulfil my needs, which are X, Y and Z, and they may change over time–or until someone better, younger, richer, more intelligent, healthier, happier [insert your own adjective here] comes along that I think will bring me an even greater sense of fulfilment.

    It sort of feels similar to an investment warning (i.e. the value of your shares may go up or down and you might not receive the full amount you originally invested) which is much more honest but which destroys the usual romantic stuff that many go for.  Mind you, that's not to say that some of these aren't still divorced within a few years.

    I do agree that it's true of most humans (otherwise "All the World's a Stage wouldn't be so memorable) but, in terms of extreme masking and feeling forced into hiding to feel safe out there, I have the impression that we autistics might take it to the nth degree.  I think I did, anyway.   

  • Jenny Butterfly said:
    I basically tried so hard to be accepted and fit in that, superficially at least, I lost all contact with my real desires and preferences.

    I'm certain this is true for every human being to a lesser or greater degree. Very few people, regardless of their neurotype, are able to be fully authentic within an intimate relationship. You only have to read the thousands upon thousands of relationship posts that fill every forum and the thousands upon thousands of stories of relationship woes that fill magazine and newspaper columns.

    I would not judge yourself harshly at all.

    People only form intimate relationships in order to fill the void in their being, that sense of longing, loneliness and inner incompleteness that is always nagging at them from within. It's not our fault. If we can't reach find inner wholeness, we naturally turn our attention outwards towards things, houses, jobs, alcohol, drugs, hobbies, music, possessions (which includes sexual or romantic partners) because we believe something in the external world can plug the hole in our internal world.  Of course, it never can and it only lasts for a short time, because the initial emotional high of getting something new never lasts and sooner or later the deeply imbedded inner loneliness returns—at which point we either buy something new, change jobs/career, start a family, or blame each another for no longer meeting our needs. That's why when families grow up, so many couples split apart. Once the children have gone, they are too tired to look for something new to fill the void. There are probably a very few people in the world who love other adults unconditionally. It does exist, usually, between a mother and and her offspring, and sometimes between a father and his offspring. 

    So I would say definitely don't judge yourself for any sense of inauthenticity in past intimate relationships because that would be the default setting (probably) for all intimate relationships. 

    Next time you find yourself about to embark on another one, try being honest by saying:

    I can't say I'll love you till death do us part, but I can say I'll love you for as long as you fulfil my needs, which are X, Y and Z, and they may change over time–or until someone better, younger, richer, more intelligent, healthier, happier [insert your own adjective here] comes along that I think will bring me an even greater sense of fulfilment.

  • Like in Ancient Greek theatre, the mask both hides and amplifies ourselves. In society, if any sort of success is desired, then masking is a requirement. Being entirely honest does not work in any relationship that I have ever experienced. It is ultimately pointless to mourn for things that are impossible to change.