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My daughter is 28 and has autism

NAS73526

Since my daughter was diagnosed at 20 years old, it feels like the autism is getting worse if thats possible? 

She struggles now more than ever, she does less for herself than she ever used to. Shes argumentative and complains at everything.

She never seems happy anymore unless its me (her mum) and her, or her and her carer. She causes daily conflict at home and treats her dad like hes dirt.

We're really struggling with her at home with us, as she brings the mood down unless of course shes getting her own way.

We cant go away, because she refuses to stay home with her sister who is a midwife, we feel trapped and don't know what to do or where to go.

  • What should we do? 

  • Just a thought - could she be developing something like depression? I could see it being easy for a diagnosis like autism to be used as the reason for everything that crops up and eclipse other perspectives, but it might be worth exploring what else might be going on. Depression is more common for autistic people as well. There could be a lot of other things to consider besides this, though - mental, physical and lifestyle-based. I couldn't guess and I'm not an expert, but maybe someone like a psychiatrist, GP, specialist medical professional could help you explore this?

  • This sounds like a hard situation for everyone. 

    Being a mother of a 24 year old, I have always felt it's my job to give my son room to express, be messy, moody, uncertain - everything. So he can get it out around someone safe who will always think the world of him no matter what. We all need this. Sometimes that's all that's needed to embrace everything else life throws at him. I'm not his friend, I'm his mum and that means mentor, semi-pro therapist, support, sandwich maker. 

    My father is undiagnosed but my mother (they've been divorced for 40 years) initially believed I had caught Aspergers from him. He and I can be dark, can argue, can even yell at each other which my step mother terms abusive but my son thinks it's our way of expressing deep sadness  and simply missing one another and I think my son is right. We don't get to see each other much. When humans hurt, they can appear grotesque, repulsive, monstrous. Loving someone into something beautiful is no small task. Believing someone into becoming is also nothing easy - depending on what you're committed to.

    The world is a cruel place. If we all had just one or two humans who could see what we're capable of, teach us how to respect by respecting us, offer us grace when we didn't deserve it, and kindness when we were messy, what humans would we be then be? I'm not suggesting caving into demands, but creating an ethical standard and leading by example. My grandparents were always the Elders/Mentors/like mystical giving humans but with kind and appropriate limits to my father and that taught me I can always help my son into becoming. 

    I might ask: what do you want. Is she 'moody' or without purpose, feeling unseen and unsure how to ask for connexion... Every time I personally commit to growth, my son grows. You have a right to retreat, though. We all need this to gain perspective.

  • This really depends on how independent she is capable of being. You mention a carer so I'm guessing she has some eligible support needs under the Care Act, but are they to the extent that she couldn't live independently in the right place with the right support? Maybe she needs to move out and stop being a moody teenager if she is capable. I don't think autism is an excuse for being rude so either way she needs to show some respect.