Published on 12, July, 2020
I've come across the term 'masking' a few times, and I did a little google search. I'm still not sure I fully understand it.
In my case it was mostly "surviving" the day. When at work I would suppress my anxieties by keeping my emotions locked inside, pretending that I was "fine". I would pay for it later though when I got home by feeling fatigue, numbness and sometimes panic attacks.
I've lost every job I've ever had through bullying or because eventually I could contain myself no longer and was compelled to tell the truth and call out wrongdoings. The impulse to tell someone to cut it out when they are lying to me is instinctive. Not always from a moral standpoint, but just because deceptive speech and actions are so exhausting. Can you imagine how this went down in meetings? Until very recently, I have been mostly unable to stop myself from saying whatever is on my mind. I do now have strategies to help me bite my lip. It doesn't prevent it from coming out eventually, but it does give me more time to weigh up whether now is the right time for it to be said or not. Again, this was never popular in the workplace where you are expected to follow orders and obey without question, no matter how dumb the orders were or how dumb those giving the orders were.One thing I have learned, however, is that Truth is never a welcome visitor in any company. Regardless of what their policies say, and no matter how much they bang on about equality and diversity, from my experience, there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that all organisations operate a system of bullying, discrimination either overtly or covertly. And all 'neurotypicals' use some form of deception or lying in social interactions.
I recognise all of that. The workplace was always difficult, every day was a challenge, and it usually took the entire weekend to recover......... then I had to do it all again. Am now retired, hurrah!
Ben