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Living together

Topbob

My girlfriend and i have been living together for three years now. She has a referral for a diagnosis but we are both pretty sure she is on the spectrum. I try to be as mindful as possible and not to confuse her with what i say and try not to be contradictory with things i say and do. Nonetheless she still does get in a real state by things i do. We love each other very much and really want the relationship.to work for good. She never stops working on herself and has recently started a taking hrt which is removing the mood swings and rapid changes in her moods. She has been in somr really dark places which has been horrible for me to see and obviously for her to experience.  She has said some horrible things to me and then regrets them afterwards ( not all of them im sure some i deserve!)

We decided to try a.little while me moving out , not a million miles away. This now seems to be going on. She is in tears when iam not there, some of the time!, but then experiences huge anxiety at the thought of me going back. Therfore we have put off and off my permanenet return. She feelsnot normal amd that everything always goes wrong for her and then we keep trying. I.know things will never be easy but i so want us to work just it is very difficult at the moment 

I would be very interested to hear comments, advice feedback

Best wishes 

Topbob 

  • in reply to Topbob

    i also use https://www.abebooks.co.uk/ for second hand books ( they are owned by Amazon ! )

  • in reply to Topbob

    I now use google and click on the shopping tab to avoid amazon. Jessica Kingsley Publishers do a lot of the autism books, though not all of them.

  • in reply to Mark (NicheMarket)

    Thanknyou  for your recommendation. Are there any retailers which specialise or is it the notmal Amazon route?

  • There's a few books out there for NT AS Mixed couples, maybe have a look. Maybe read Aspergirls to get some insight too.

  • in reply to Beepee1984

    Thankn you Beepee

    For your time responding and sharing your thoughts

     I hope that we can take inspiration from.you and your partner and I wish you well in the future

  • in reply to Y3T

    Hi there,

    I really appreciate you taking the time to write down your thoughts. I love her hugely. I have no doubt we will be together fòr the rest of our lives. Thank you, i do love her whatever...

    I want her to love herself . I really feel we can take each other to places we couldnt on our own and I am up for that journey 

    Thank you

  • Topbob said:
    i so want us to work

    If both of you can say the above, that is the most important thing.

    I've been 14 years in with some Highs and what felt like irrecoverable lows, just this morning I think I said something wrong and was back in the doghouse. I don't understand exactly why they get upset and unfortunately vice versa. It has to be hard when suddenly what I can accept can change.

    If you want this to work. Then you both have to work at both yourselves and your relationship and the goalposts will move. But this is the case for any relationship, the ASD just makes it harder to understand each other. But sometimes you don't have to understand to respect and love

  • Hi Topbob,

    My track record with relationships isn’t great so maybe take this with a pinch of salt (weird saying). I saw your post though, and felt the need to ‘spout forth’ as it were. I am autistic and female. Also, I’m new around here. It’s my first visit. 

    I’d say she’s anxious about you going back because she fears it going wrong and you leaving her for good next time. It’s fear. She’s insecure. Help her to feel secure if you do actually want to be there for her. Love her in ways she understands. It might not be the ‘normal’ things (if such things exist anyway). 

    If you do want to be with her, if you love her, whatever she says or does, keep loving her....and keep letting her know you do. No need to fuss but be clear. Her outbursts will get less as she gets more secure in your relationship. She doesn’t trust herself yet. She can’t regulate her emotions yet. She doesn’t like herself yet. She’s wanting to conform to the misnomer of ‘normal’. She doesn’t need to.

    It is possible for her to grow to love who and how she is; if she has someone to navigate that with and if they can be consistent and calm with her however well she is coping or not at any given time. She needs to know she isn’t ‘too much’ for you to have to deal with.

    She’s designed to be unique, not ‘normal’.

    She can learn that her behaviours and ways are not the root of her and she can learn to manage those little by little. Okay, it might not ever be ‘easy’, but what of any worth was ever easily achieved? 

    She has you. You can live this with her and you can (together) develop strategies to cope with the particular triggers/barriers she faces and those you face as a couple. You can make a huge difference if you want to. If you are secure, she will slowly learn to be. And any meltdowns about whatever you can face together.