Pause-Mode.

I can relate to how you've lived your life, I've always been purpose driven, down to most hours of the day. I'm not bored without anything to achieve, but instead feel lost.

I can let go when ill and decide to be unproductive and off the hook and find new habits like lolling in bed, reading, cooking, but keeping healthy habits. I can even slip into that and enjoy it whilst i'm off sick.I don't know how it'd work longterm.  I took 2 years off work once and somehow managed a nondoing lifestyle of reading, cooking, self improvement. I felt modelling a counter cultural life was a purpose! These days i'm back into hyperproductivity and self improvement. Ithink in your situation I'd personally turnarapting to this new way of being into a project and trying to optimise it. I guess I'll find out if that will actually work when I approach old age.

I hope you find a new contentedness.

The problem is I'm not going to get better and there are so many things that need to be done - and I would have been getting on with them but now I can't.

I feel obsolete and useless but frustrated by my body's failings.    The lack of progress is *my* fault and that's something that's never happened before.

I could understand it if I was unfit and in my 80s - but I'm not.    This is 30 years too early.

It's not self pity - it's self annoyance - a questioning of my programming..

I'm also having a brain crisis - I've spent my life being compelled to do the right thing at huge cost - but now I'm in this crunch, doing the right thing seems a bit strange - keeping myself alive to suffer more for the sake of others?       Making every day miserable for myself just so others have extended memories of me to soften the blow when I leave.     The eventual outcome is guaranteed - only the time is variable.

Although I'm not in your situation, so who knows what I'd think, I can relate to what you're expressing. I can imagine self annoyance is how I'd feel. Since my mid teens I've been investing in myself, my health, my knowledge of health etc to wring every last drop out of life. Not cos I wanna live forever, but as an optimisation project. And whilst I do have fun, most of my life seems to be externally focussed on doing the right thing, often at my expense too. So myself as a project , like Sat lie ins, is prob more to do with optimising myself ready for the external projects. So whete would I be without an external project. 

Seventeen years ago I was given a terminal diagnosis for a non operable brain tumour. 3-4 years of quality life, then a slow decline into 2-3 years of paralysis in hospital. I was fortunate in that it went into self remission with virtually no longterm damage. Classic AS I went into optimisation mode, inc finances, around carrying on with normal life for 2 years, 1 year off to enjoy seeing people esp the group of friends I'd known when young in S Italy, and then suicide before i got to the bad bit. I had it all planned. But over the years i realised it wouldn't have worked cos i would have wanted to keep going for as long as viable and optimise the day to end it. But come the point I'd want to I'd have lost the capacity to do it. It made me realise how little in control I actually am. And being in control and having a sense of control keeps me sane!

i hear a lot in your reply, that there's stuff to be done, that that's not viable, frustration with not being able to do stuff, frustration with yourself over that, and a more existential question about why live if it's only to satisfy others at your own cost. I suspect many of us, NTs included, grapple with that last one and resolve it by pushing it aside and away. We don't talk about the existential question of why live, it's a taboo, that's always frustrated me, but I'd be judged grimly if I talked about it with most.

Although I'm not in your situation, so who knows what I'd think, I can relate to what you're expressing. I can imagine self annoyance is how I'd feel. Since my mid teens I've been investing in myself, my health, my knowledge of health etc to wring every last drop out of life. Not cos I wanna live forever, but as an optimisation project. And whilst I do have fun, most of my life seems to be externally focussed on doing the right thing, often at my expense too. So myself as a project , like Sat lie ins, is prob more to do with optimising myself ready for the external projects. So whete would I be without an external project. 

Seventeen years ago I was given a terminal diagnosis for a non operable brain tumour. 3-4 years of quality life, then a slow decline into 2-3 years of paralysis in hospital. I was fortunate in that it went into self remission with virtually no longterm damage. Classic AS I went into optimisation mode, inc finances, around carrying on with normal life for 2 years, 1 year off to enjoy seeing people esp the group of friends I'd known when young in S Italy, and then suicide before i got to the bad bit. I had it all planned. But over the years i realised it wouldn't have worked cos i would have wanted to keep going for as long as viable and optimise the day to end it. But come the point I'd want to I'd have lost the capacity to do it. It made me realise how little in control I actually am. And being in control and having a sense of control keeps me sane!

i hear a lot in your reply, that there's stuff to be done, that that's not viable, frustration with not being able to do stuff, frustration with yourself over that, and a more existential question about why live if it's only to satisfy others at your own cost. I suspect many of us, NTs included, grapple with that last one and resolve it by pushing it aside and away. We don't talk about the existential question of why live, it's a taboo, that's always frustrated me, but I'd be judged grimly if I talked about it with most.

I've appreciated your insights and thoughts in other threads on autism. How have you learnt all that? What have you read? I'm AS but the AS person in my life can be unfathomable to me around his shutdowns. They're triggered differently to mine, and he behaves very differently too (though that cd be lack of insight into my own stuff).

Plastic. Well I may have had clarity of thought, but i didn't have to operationalise it. Who knows how I'd have actually been.

Similarly being dead has never scared me, but dying, the process over time, terrifies me. I do really understand those who refuse meds, opt for Dignitas or take things into their own hands. I can see that life doesn't have much in it now, and life without a sense of purpose for me is really hard, and again without a sense of control. So you've a double whammy. I get why you're experiencing not wanting to be around.

I wouldn't worry about whether your thoughts or posts are appropriate, it's a space to offer support, whatever form. So I'd encourage you to break taboos and say what's on your mind. People don't have to engage, and you can set boundaries on what you do or don't want to hear, or how you'd like people to respond.

Lynyrd Skynyrd Freebird xxxx

Thank you for your beauty.

Thank you for your words.

everything is born from love. All fear all suffering comes from love. The fear that you are not loved the fear that you will never have the opportunity to know love or express love, pain torture abuse all consequences of the fear and not achieving the balance of knowledge surrounding it. Sadness born from love itself, grief born from love itself, loss the inability to keep love in a physical form to hold it and keep it safe is where the threat of love becomes and appears to be the opposite. That somehow unfairness is a punishment from an angry parent and that somehow you must have done wrong or bad. Love will give and take from you, but in the end it is the only constant that remains. We all live and die for love and this is our evolutionary acknowledgment to create a utopia we have to understand the basis of all creation. You my friend I shall see in the new utopia where upon we shall know each other as man has known man before he was born. All my love to you and your family there will be peace among the flowers that grow and the wind shall carry you to their very breath and they shall speak of you with such love your energy will surpass the boundaries of time and fill their bodies with true joy. x

Think about it logically We all die. We all want to protect people who matter to us. When we die, the ones we want to protect have lost us. Sometimes that makes them more vulnerable. But it is going to happen anyway. I don't want you to die. I think maybe you will live longer than you think. But we're all vulnerable sometimes. Just don't stop being Plastic. You are you. Don't let fear overcome who you are.

oh but you will be around, I can hear my mum, I can feel her energy and she has a very prevalent finger poke to my mind if I am becoming misguided and I can hear her laugh when i am truly happy and she is there to let me know she sees it. Believe me it is only doubt that prevents excepting that they are not gone.

I'm not afraid of death - but the dying bit sucks. 

The bummer is, as a husband and father, I wont be around to protect my family.

My tears are falling for you with love you are not alone x  Gods great joke is that we all think its going to end and there be nothing. Well I can tell you my friend that all will be revealed and you will see beauty that you could never have known, and that transcendence will take away all suffering and love is all that shall surround you. We all try to look into the eyes of what we think is death and understand it. It is part of your journey as it is us all. your body is a body your mind is your mind, your consciousness is what understands the truth without seeing and has been born many times, you cant have nothing without something it is our true destiny. There is no death.

Thank you.  

Unfortunately, the cancer I have is always fatal because it hides and spreads with no symptoms until it's way too late to stop it.   I was given 3-6 months in October.

The positivity is in the acceptance that you are part of all things and to love is to know god your true creator and to have shared love is to fullfill your true purpose. If my arms could stretch they would hold you with eternal love that exists eternally.

Im am so sorry to hear that, I watched my mum die of bone cancer after she had 12 months of chemo 5 years before for *** cancer. It came back and spread through her body. we all agreed that she did not want to go through anymore chemo as it is was just more suffering. I did everything I could including nearly blowing up my house trying to make 3 batches of cannabis oil. We begged  the hospital for vitamin c iv and they refused I have researched how cancer can be a toxification of the body and its imbalances. Much Anger I have had towards the treatments for cancer and how after many years there seems to only be an increase in developing the disease. Our way of life and the misconceptions of how to live have been bought by mass production of crap food and creams and sprays that build up these toxins over time as well as alcohol and tobacco and stress, which also is environmental and draconian. Cancer does not like cannabis oil vitamin c iv an oxygenated environment and various other minerals and vitamins as well as fully detoxing the body and regular enimas to extract the toxins from the body. There is a women in germany who has reversed terminal cancer based on these natural elements. 

No - it's just that I'm dying - end point not established - chemo is literally just keeping me alive so there's no positive outcome to look forward to - just more time treading water, taking pills, feeling weak, sick and ill until the pills stop working.

I *totally* get it when people refuse treatment.

Or you possibly are experiencing part of ego death. Who you are and your purpose in the world has hit a crescendo and you are now ata loss as to your true existence. This dilemma will cause confusion and create a sense of anxiety around time and your purpose within that time. Acceptance of these things can feel like you are losing your sense of self when actually just behind that acceptance lies great peace.

could it be you feel you are not in control of your life that you feel like it is a personal arduous journey ?

Unfortunately, this is a path where I'm surrounded by people but I'm having to walk this very much alone.  

I can't decide if this is depression or a realisation of reality.

I can't tell if this is just the cycle of medication affecting my brain.   Maybe this will pass.

peace in the knowledge that you are loved by your own design.

Hi there friend, I see your depression and that is what has entombed you. If  man was meant  to exist in solitary confinement he would do so happily. At not one point in your entire life are you alone, to suffer is to know love, when its absence seems none existent, it is that doubt entirely, that pushes away your inevitable natural ability to accept peace. x

Mark (NicheMarket) said:

Classic AS I went into optimisation mode, inc finances, around carrying on with normal life for 2 years, 1 year off to enjoy seeing people esp the group of friends I'd known when young in S Italy, and then suicide before i got to the bad bit. I had it all planned.

Yep.

I REALLY admire your clarity of thought.

I have no real control of my life - get up exactly on time - take a pile of pills and boring food - feel sick - stabilise body - feel tired - watch tv.

lunchtime - eat as much as possible - feel ill - get horizontal to take pressure off back - get up and watch tv.

Tea - take pile of more pills exactly on schedule with small, boring food - feel sick - stabilise body - watch tv - have painful injection.

Bedtime - take a pile of pills, go to bed - wide awake at 2am - ultra-vivid dreams.

Rinse & repeat - literally every day forward for the rest of my life.

Why?    This is not *my* life - I'm alive for others only - there's nothing in this for me.

Sorry if this is not appropriate for this forum.