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Pause-Mode.

Plastic

I'm in a strange and uncomfortable situation.     Through my whole life, I've been pushing the envelope and I've done some incredible things - my limitations have always been waiting for the people around me to catch up or financial limitations waiting for funding to carry on pushing forward.

I've always felt like the captain of a ship - I know my destination (retirement, downsizing, escape to the country etc.) and everyone else has been shooting holes in the bottom of my boat - but I was able to keep on course..

I'm not very well right now - but I feel somewhat useless.    I'm unable to push forward.     I'm not waiting for anyone or finances - it's just me.     I've run aground.

I'm spending my days eating and sleeping, feeling ill and watching tv.

It feels really strange to be non-productive.   I'm not moving forwards.    I'm, at best, just treading water.

I'm in uncharted territory - I feel I'm in the wrong place - like an alien in my own life.

I don't like it.

Parents

  • I can relate to how you've lived your life, I've always been purpose driven, down to most hours of the day. I'm not bored without anything to achieve, but instead feel lost.

    I can let go when ill and decide to be unproductive and off the hook and find new habits like lolling in bed, reading, cooking, but keeping healthy habits. I can even slip into that and enjoy it whilst i'm off sick.I don't know how it'd work longterm.  I took 2 years off work once and somehow managed a nondoing lifestyle of reading, cooking, self improvement. I felt modelling a counter cultural life was a purpose! These days i'm back into hyperproductivity and self improvement. Ithink in your situation I'd personally turnarapting to this new way of being into a project and trying to optimise it. I guess I'll find out if that will actually work when I approach old age.

    I hope you find a new contentedness.

Reply

  • I can relate to how you've lived your life, I've always been purpose driven, down to most hours of the day. I'm not bored without anything to achieve, but instead feel lost.

    I can let go when ill and decide to be unproductive and off the hook and find new habits like lolling in bed, reading, cooking, but keeping healthy habits. I can even slip into that and enjoy it whilst i'm off sick.I don't know how it'd work longterm.  I took 2 years off work once and somehow managed a nondoing lifestyle of reading, cooking, self improvement. I felt modelling a counter cultural life was a purpose! These days i'm back into hyperproductivity and self improvement. Ithink in your situation I'd personally turnarapting to this new way of being into a project and trying to optimise it. I guess I'll find out if that will actually work when I approach old age.

    I hope you find a new contentedness.

Children
  • in reply to Mark (NicheMarket)

    The problem is I'm not going to get better and there are so many things that need to be done - and I would have been getting on with them but now I can't.

    I feel obsolete and useless but frustrated by my body's failings.    The lack of progress is *my* fault and that's something that's never happened before.

    I could understand it if I was unfit and in my 80s - but I'm not.    This is 30 years too early.

    It's not self pity - it's self annoyance - a questioning of my programming..

    I'm also having a brain crisis - I've spent my life being compelled to do the right thing at huge cost - but now I'm in this crunch, doing the right thing seems a bit strange - keeping myself alive to suffer more for the sake of others?       Making every day miserable for myself just so others have extended memories of me to soften the blow when I leave.     The eventual outcome is guaranteed - only the time is variable.