I really, REALLY need to vent

Ok, so I'm gunna try my hardest to be as pleasant as I can but I'm not making any promises....

I am currently in a NT/AS relationship and it is HARD.. we've been together for 2 and a half years now, it wasn't perfect but it was stable. However with Covid, lately it's kinda gone *** up.. 

Lockdown with him was not what I expected, I work a few nights a week as an "essential worker" so was understandably stressed for the good few months we all had to "stay safe". He, on the other hand works normal hours so still got to see daylight a good portion of the day. Staying home all day, going to work in the dark and then coming home to sleep for some of daylight hours is not good for your mental health and you get stir crazy... 

He isn't as bad as he could be, I'll be honest. But when he is; I need my A game... And sometimes I'll admit it takes A LOT of my energy to deal with his "moments". So I would use what energy I had left to sort him out, calm him down whatever.. 

Last few months I've been running out of energy, he's been using so much I've kinda been neglecting myself... Been finding it really hard to even summon enough to shower some days (I'm sorry, I know.. gross) and it's been really quite dark which has lead to him being abrupt about it which then leads to ... Lots of sad days crying because he doesn't understand that I'm so rundown

But lately I've been feeling a lot better, due to being allowed to go out more during the day, started taking better care of myself. So, please god. Someone tell me why he keeps bringing up my "personal hygiene" habits in arguments lately when half the time it's not a valid point... So frustrating  

Felt so alone lately and wanna stop feeling like I'm going crazy, truth is I love him and I wanna try make it work but it's so damn hard sometimes.... 

  • please add something to your profile so people know your are real.

    Venting is good for you. I recommend u take some time away from him to recharge. Put on your hiking boots and go up a hill somewhere. The lockdown adds pressure to all relationships. This is like a test. 

  • Hello. The lockdown has added pressure to many relationships and you may be better of deconstructing your pblem and dealing with different strands separately. One strand is work related stress due to Covid, another is the stress and possibly depression due to working hours. then there is the effect of lockdown on the relationship, then there is autism. The covid emergency seem to have subsided and you could be back to more normal work situation soon. The obvious place to start is to make sure you don't have depression. Did you talk with your GP?

    Aidies idea of some recharging time is good as well.

  • I agree with Aidie, go for a walk, take a breather... It helps.

  • Oftentimes people on the spectrum will have heightened sensitivity to certain things, so even a seemingly minor thing from an NT perspective can become oppressive to us (for example, given enough time a flickering fluorescent light will make me go HULK mode).  On top of that, some will actively search out and reveal the source of an offending smell with little subtlety or even awareness of other people's feelings.

    I'd wager he has no idea what's going on in your head at the best of times, let alone when you're down.  Maybe you could talk to him about this and how it makes you feel, but be direct, no point dropping hints/cues for him to follow.  That said I wouldn't expect to be able to train him to be more to your liking, quite likely he isn't the way he is by choice.

  • I'm an AS married to an NT woman. I do encourage my wife to keep some friends and hobbies that don't involve me. I think it's good for her.

    My wife seems to be ok with the fact that I tend to be low maintenance, a bit in my own world. I do have rather low standards and expectations. Food is food. I won't just start preparing food out of my own initiative, that drives my wife crazy. She does have to tell me to get started if she's not going to do it. And for me just at the last minute taking over is virtually impossible. Luckily the children are a lot better in that respect. 

    I consider myself very lucky to have a nice family and cosy home, so if somebody didn't shower for a while, that doesn't bother me. I guess we're all different. 

    We actually grew fonder with each other during the lockdown. My daughter remarked once that she sees us as a future cute old couple. That's extremely nice. I have this mindset that the children are old enough to take care of themselves and the house is paid for, so everything that happens now is pure bonus. That helps a lot. The pressure is off, and somehow I still manage to get things done. I procrastinate if I can. 

    After my diagnosis, I read some things on relationships and it kind of opened my eyes to the fact that some things could be important for my wife that don't normally cross my mind, or that I find hard to handle because it takes me lots of pain and effort to multitask, I need to plan things, and sudden changes are really not easy.