Published on 12, July, 2020
We have an adult son who we think may well be autistic. We are in the process of trying to get a diagnosis. Over the years we have noticed so many things but overlooked it as in the main his behaviours are similar to most of us; and we are all somewhere on the spectrum, right?
Why I say we need help, is because we want him to be able to help himself in certain things and to understand that we believe small tweaks to his habits and behaviours will help him massively. We might be wrong, but we want him to try and see if things improve for him. For example, he will do something in a certain way, which takes a long time. To help explain what I mean, when he was younger he had a paper round. He would start at No 1, then cross the road and do No 2, then cross back, do No 3, cross back and do No 4 etc all the way up to 106. He would be crossing back and forth all the way taking more than twice as long to do the road, than if he just started at No 1, did all the odds and cross once and do all the evens. We explained this and he seemed to agree and understand, but then continued to do it his way. We tried to explain that doing it in this way was taking him nearly 3 times longer to do that same task than someone else. He agreed, or at least seemed to agree. We asked him to just try it our way so he could see for himself the difference and if he still wanted to do it his way, great, but then he should understand that people may think that was inefficient, eg a future employer.
Another example is his parking of his car. So we live in a road where we have some parking bays on one side and none on the other. When he parks he drives in face forward and straight into a parking bay. No issue really with that. The problem is that when our neighbours opposite arrive on the none bay side they just park on the road in front of their houses. This now makes reversing his car out much much harder. I have suggested to him that when he arrives to reverse park into the bay, so that when he wants to drive out and our neighbour’s cars are opposite he can easily manoeuvre his car straight out. He finds reverse parking easy to do and agrees that the driving straight out is also much easier, yet he still parks face forward and then struggles with trying to get his car out when the neighbours have parked up.
I guess what I am asking is that despite his agreeing with us, he still practices the ‘inefficient’ or ‘difficult’ option and there are so so many examples. We need help in maybe explaining it so that he genuinely does understand, as it seems that he is just agreeing and then doing his own thing. It is so so frustrating. It causes arguments and we so so desperately want to help him but equally want him to help himself. It almost feels like he nods, but doesn’t actually get what we are saying, so we need to say it differently, maybe.
Anyways, any help welcome. Sorry to go on...
Hi
please don’t take offence to what I’m putting as I know I sometimes type things that may seem rude but not intended. Whilst reading what you wrote I was getting frustrated on your sons behalf, it’s like you always no best.
yes it does make sense to do all the odds and then evens but there maybe another reason your son does it that way. Why fix something that’s not broken. Re the car he probably just drives in as it’s just the easy option and he probably isn’t thinking. I know this is just two examples but if you always know best your son will have just switched off to you and will be saying yes just to be polite but not actually listening.
i know your probably trying to help but maybe if you just left him to it he would work out for himself it’s quicker or easier to do somethings a certain way. If he is old enough to drive he doesn’t need his mum mothering him.
I do things in such a way that may seem strange to others but to me it works, we are all different after all. Try not to worry about your son he may just surprise you. I failed everything at school, my social skills are non existent but I’ve managed to get my own house, live independently and not rely on anybody. I think I have surprised my parents as I don’t think they thought I’d do well and used to always say “ how do you keep a job when you do x or god knows how they put up with you at work”
Also we are not all a little bit on the spectrum, I don’t think you meant any offence though . If I had a £1 for everytime I’d heard that
Hi xiv
Thank you. You know, I’m so so glad I joined this group. You have all very quickly made me see where the problem lies; it’s with me and not him.
I need to learn to wait and see if he asks for help, and then give my best advice and leave him to it.
I have definitely experienced the polite listening and know he has ‘switched off’ and as I now realise, if someone was constantly on at me, I would probably switch off too (and maybe not be as polite as he is).
I feel like I may have pushed him away, and I pray that is not the case. I love him with all my heart.
I will follow the advice you have all given.
Please pray for us. Thank you.