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What Is Wrong With Me? (Why Cant I Understand Women?)

Mountain Goat

I am 47 and in my life I have been blessed to have had three girlfriends. Not actually ever had sex, but I have been very close and with intimate kissing with the first... 

But anyway. Somehow, I mess things up? I don't know how. The first one I was going to marry and though I later found out that she had dated another the same time as me (He was actually living in her parents house and ai was told he was a house guest) but somehow I must have messed up somehow, as she would not be looking for another if I was an ideal catch. 

The second I ended it. It was about ten years later. I tried to date before that but it took me ten years to forgive myself for the first and move on. I ended it. All through the dating she kept asking me if I loved her and somehow I could not convince her... There was a little more to it as I had been praying. As I really loved her but somehow I felt that she was not the one for me... But sadly I upset her and I really really hate upsetting ladies. I prayed and prayed and a miracle took place. Somehow I actually was able to introduce her (Via a chat site we were all on) to a really nice gentleman and they got together and now they have been happily married for a while. :)  I am really really happy for them and I hope it lasts for ever! She found a much more suitable man then I was.

I found it very hard to get over her though as I really really missed her as a friend. Ok, as a lover it was over. But as a friend... I was devistated. 

But a few months ago, somehow I found a lady who was attracted to me. Things progressed. We did meet once but not as a date. As friends. 

Anyway. Somehow I may have messed things up again? 

《Ammended. All is fine now. We are in ♡ again》.

You may have puzzled why I had left it soo long before I ever started dating as my first girlfriend was when I was 36 years old. I had better explain.

I have difficulties at times with faceblindness. I had had it for years but it wasn't until I was in collage that I first noticed. I knew all about it as my Mum also has it. In collage I kept getting marks wrong for homework and it took me either half a year or a year and a half (I don't remember) to work out that there were two seperate lecturers. Even having different sirnames I didn't catch on. One day one of them came in to speak to the other when I realized why all my homework would be marked wrong. Mathematical answers where every answer was wrong. Puzzled me for ages. I kept handing them in to the wrong lecturers. As I rarely showed the workings out as I usually did things in my head (I do maths by counting in dots like on a dice or dominoes, and I work in various "Bases" like base six or base eight, and then convert them over to base ten, as my mind works in picture form best.

But during this time when I was 16, I tried to go on my first date. I was far too shy to talk to these two girls directly, so I sent a note. The reply was "Meet me outside the gates after tech finishes". The one that fancied me signed her name as Claire. Claire R... was her name. (Uhmm. Best I not say her whole sirname). A beautiful shy but sweet young lady about two years older then me. 

So I went to the main gates. Was just some lady waiting for her kid to come back from the school next door and she was standing there under her umbrella looking at me. I waited and waited and no. No sign of her. (Another guy from my class fancied her and said she was not going to turn up as he wanted her for himself). 

It suddenly dawned on me after about 15 to 20 odd minutes of standing there, that there were more then one set of gates. Actually five sets of gates around a large area, so I ran halfway across the tech (The old technical College) to unlock my bicycle, and I kept cycling back and fore to check all the gates. Nothing. Only that lady waiting for her child.

At about 35 minutes of waiting, and when I checked the front gates, that lady was still there and all the other ladies had gone with their children, I decided to call it a day and cycle back home. It was now dark as it was in the winter.

The next day I had a real telling off with her friend asking why I had stood her up, and she had been waiting outside the gates... I didn't recognize her as I just did not expect her to have an umbrella, and I am no good with faces as I tend not to make eye to eye contact that much. (I have learnt to do it but I glance directly and then look just to one side so they think I make eye contact as many people don't like to eye contact as they think I maybe a criminal or something?). 

Well. I wad soo upset that I had upset her that I stayed away from trying to date another woman and I don't think I hardly asked any ladies out. My first girlfriend asked me out. Prior to that quite a few ladies asked me out but I always said "No" as politely as I could, as I did not want to upset them, as I had hurt that other lady soo much... 

So this dating thing... Uhmm... Smiley Help! Hahahaha!  Stuck out tongue

  • I would lead, with any start of a potential alliance, that you have the face blindness. this will help your prospective other to understand you more fully. If it's someone who you want to get serious with it is important info for them to have right up front. If they reject you for it that is also good info for you to have! Doing this simple reveal may save you a great deal of misunderstanding.

    I have a bit of this myself with some kinds of bodies. I have trouble with looking at eyes but I memorize the eye brows, the mouth, the nails, a tattoo,  the hair style or facial hairs (good till they  change it!) some detail. I also tell people they may need to remind me of who they are for about 3 or 4 consecutive encounters before I find a pattern for them. BIG thing is NOT to be apologetic about who you are and how your brain works. Be gentle with your self. you are awesome just as you are!

    I would recommend the book

    "The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat".

  • I've never understood men - I used to get quite upset about it growing up. Now I've had a boyfriend albiet when older and various lovers, I've had a lot of attention from men and always have done. I had a lot of offers at school growing up, wasn't interested then. Now I realise it really doesn't matter. Most people have trouble understanding other people, that's why we need to communicate with each other. Just starting from an understanding that we're all the same really trying to get basic needs met has helped me massively. I have no time for games and some men appreciate that. I'd love to find a real connection that respects space - anything else no thanks. In the dating world there are lots of people out for a fake relationship or to treat you badly, wanting to play games or have unrealistic expectations of you. You weren't to know about the young lady - now, its something you can mention to potential future dates and the right person would find a way to work around it with you. Now I'd really like to be with someone kind, this is top in my priorities with someone with an understanding and acceptance of me as I am. Many people want to mould you to their idea of the perfect partner, not accepting you and your quirks. Hold out, focus on your dreams goals and meet and chat along the way. Start thinking about what you want, just going into it blindly may land you with mixed expectations on both sides. Be kind and best wishes :)) most of all, I'd like a real, compassionate friend I can be sexy with

  • im going through the same thing i will help you you help me we in this together my boyfriend is jason  im have a hard time communication and  eye contact 

    and relationship

  • See I was the opposite as a teen I was turning down left right and centre. The amount of attention I got was unreal. But I chose wisely who I said yes to as I wanted to ensure they weren’t crazy or untrustworthy 

  • Except for just a few minor differences, this is pretty much my story.

    I just don't know how to read the things people don't say, and so much of relationships with neuro-typical people revolves around that. If you find an answer let me know?

  • Me too. I have found that women do not give a toss about things which I assumed would be all the right ingredients for being an ideal partner such as:

    • Me having a nice car
    • Me having a Master's degree in engineering and high IQ
    • Me having an above average physique from going to the gym for years
    • Me being able to cook and think of romantic ideas such as a sunset walk

    I have always been puzzled why they would choose someone so lesser and who does not seem to put any effort in, even into their 20s and 30s. I have come to realise that it is all about being lucky enough to meet someone and then developing a connection which is the most important thing.

  • in reply to Robert124

    Haha. 

    The strange thing was that in my family, I think in ways similar to my Mum. I did share one aspect of my Dads thinking and that is I design things in my head and rarely use paper. I have a very visual mind. 

    But in my family while growing up as a child my Dad seemed to be the odd one out... But when I am assessed, if I am on the spectrum it will all make sense, because my Mum and brother will also be on the spectrum and my Dad would more likely have been an NT (If he was still alive). My youngsst brother would likely be on the spectrum too but from a different angle. 

    We were wondering about my Dad. He had rhe amazing ability to get on with complete strangers as if he had always known them. But in one way he might have had autism as he did have sudden unexplained tempers if he could not cope with something. But if he did, he was on the other side of the spectrum to my Mum and myself assuming that we are on the spectrum.

    My Mum does not think we are on the spectrum but she can see many autistic traits when I point them out. She does not want to be assessed, and I understand because for her, she is retired and there would be no point, as most of her issues are due to her not being as young as she was! Ooh. She still outdoes me in what she can do in a day! I don't know how she does it!

  • No offence intended, but your problem with women is common to millions of men.  There is a logic behind the saying, 'men come from Mars, women come from Venus. '  ie,  different planets. 

  • in reply to Mountain Goat

    Thinking about communication. It seems like it is a lack of communication with the lady. Mind you, the first girlfriend said "You don't listen to me" or something like that! Smiley

  • hi!

    it sounds to me like you need to establish better communication in your relationships. at the beginning of a new relationship, try to be clear and open with her about the things you struggle with and make sure she understands that if she has any issues you will be open to discuss them with her so you can both work together to better understand each other.

    hope this helps Smiley