Opening up my autistic brain, my journey from Diagnoses at around 5 to now 24

Hello Everyone, I wanted to write a post which not anyway subjected to a topic by any mile, It just me off loading everything into one post to try and clear my mind and start fresh. 

I had a challenging childhood growing up, I was put into foster care at young age then got adopted around age 6, I got my autism diagnoses slap bang in middle of this chaos and when Autism was a very rare condition and no one knew how to diagnoses it properly, so all the my childhood I kept finding I was hitting walls out there as my parent kept fighting for support for me and my behaviours was challenging as it would be amongst all the chaos that was going on around me. by time end of primary school came around I have been 4 different Primary Schools 3 Mainstream schools and 1 Special Needs school. also at this point in my life I was still being labelled as useless not going to be independent in life e.t.c.

Came around Secondary School which was a special need school from hell, I did not cope well in the first year by year 8 everything was changing at this point, my behaviours was still be challenging but it was at this point I noticed in myself something else was happening was getting emotions and thoughts about situations at out of my control, It like my body wanted to know what it feels like to be in wheelchair or in another students shoes. i can remember at first I didn't have to confidence or know who to talk to about this at the time. 

I know by year 9 this situation was getting distracting in lessons as my body was still wanting to what it feels to be in other people shoes but the confidence started to come through, where in private I would use the disused bathrooms with bathroom aids to see what they was like e.t.c whith anyone knowing. but by this stage I had 2 years left at the lower school site and I need to start finding ways to see what it feels like to other people shoes. so I can remember once seeing what it like to see with a table push against me and the wall and other small stuff I can't remember at this point and I can actually remember once trying a plastic seat with a seat belt and some pelvic blocks. 

In Year 10 and 11 things really ramped up for me with trying things and I started to settle down in lessons to, I can remember seeing what it feels like to one to one support in the pool, being visually impaired, being in a autism base classroom, wearing float belts, special needs beds briefly at my residential home, trying brail, seeing what it like to be blind while doing art for the full lesson. before leaving the school in year 11 there was one thing I really wanted to try was standing frames but never had the confidence so in my final year I would squeeze the padding to get an idea of how firm they are and this when I had interesting interaction with staff when they questioned what I was doing and I was to shy to say can I see what it like to be in one please. 

In the upper part of the secondary school the learning centre things was semi calming down but I was still wanting try new things and also at this point I left the national curriculum behind to study horticulture which meant I could try new experiences e.t.c. I loved horticulture I could actually enjoy education for the first time and this when I started to try and learning BSL which only lasted a sort time. 

In the last year and half I was on work placement at the local hospital trying new roles out there then this throw a new set of challenges which I was not excepting but I get through it somehow which went on to my getting a zero hour contract there until 2015 when I entered the world of retail and also this is the year I had my mental health crash and had really bad anxiety which led to it carrying for at least 4 years. Since leaving school I kept thinking about all the students shoes I didn't get to try and on top of that, I then wanted to see what it feels like to wear girls school uniform which inturn led to me battling a ongoing issues of my wanting to try everything under the and be in every single persons shoes trying out all sorts things and led me resorting to visually relief for now. 

Also I think another why I wanted to try a standing frame is pressure therapy because the users are always snug in them and another thing I always I want to experience is every form of restraint available like the car harness for special needs and rope play 

and for the last 5 years my self motivation has gone up and down and I still see the world as prerecorded and each day we are put on play. 

I sometimes wish there was way in this world I could experience everything I mentioned I wanted try plus more and than all want to do is role play but adult version and that really hard to do adult role play with everyone thinking you are weird e.t.c and think this is main problem of my anxiety is my processing system not being allowed to fully express itself. 

I could possibly go on and on with myself but I'm not really good with words and there something I still want to keep behind closed doors. I will more than happy to receive advice and answer any of your questions you may have or you have experience similar weirdty in your life 

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