Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone
I was wondering whether anyone else finds that their direct communication gets them into trouble?
I personally think it's really ironic that we get accused of not being able to communicate or having communication difficulties when most people with ASD are more direct. Surely being more direct should mean that that meaning is clearer, unabridged etc. However, this is seemingly not the case.
I generally find that when I feel hurt, I communicate straight away, and I tend to say exactly what I want or don't want. Sometimes it's hard for me to remember to be polite because this is extra information to have to negotiate in the heat of the moment. Anyway, so let's say I communicate directly by saying, "I didn't know that was happening. I feel quite overlooked." What I then get told is that my timing was not good and the tone was not good.
I don't know about others, but I try really hard to get it right, but it really is quite exhausting, and I actually feel I did quite well to say what I felt at the moment when the subject came up and to explain why also. I find it really hard to tone down the way I say something because it's linked to how I'm feeling and I'm not good at faking it.
Basically, what tends to happen is that I just go round and round in circles. Whenever I try to communicate my thoughts and feelings, I get ticked off for it and how I felt is ignored and overlooked.
Does anyone else struggle in this way and does anyone know any strategies to cope better? I'm not sure I have the energy to try to work out the right tone and way of putting something to make it more palatable!!
So here's the thing... NTs lie, all the time, about everything... and most of the time it's not only considered acceptable, it's required.
Communication is made up of 3 aspects:
Here's the rub - not all of the above contribute equally to the message being conveyed... have a guess what the split is...
...
Studies show it's:
http://changingminds.org/disciplines/communication/words_music_dance.htm
Guess which bits we're not good at... yep, music & dance - we're direct, we use the 'right' words to convey meaning because that way we won't be misunderstood, right?
Wrong.
Because we don't use the right music & dance what we say is misinterpreted and we misinterpret (i.e. interpret literally) what people say to us.
How to cope better? No idea, but do your colleagues know you have ASD? I've found that since 'coming out' it's helped people not be so pished-off at me when I say what I think or how I feel and do it 'wrong'...
Oh my god-10%....TEN PERCENT! This explains a lot...
it works both ways though! My colleagues keep asking if I’m ok when I’m fine and ignore the fact I’m not when I’m not. I want to ask why-purely for information purposes. But not sure I’ll get an honest reply...
It's actually 7-10% so 10% 'on a good day'...
Also, people usually don't want to know if someone else is having problems so it seems 'normal' for NTs (who are good at spotting non-verbal cues to a person's mental/emotional state) to ONLY ask when they know they'll get an answer they won't actually have to do anything about...
When you are OK you could try responding with "I'm fine, thanks... why, do I not look like I am?" and they may give you a useful answer... "You were frowning..." or something
...which may give you the chance to say "Oh, that's just my 'thinking face' (or whatever) - when I'm not fine I tend to go quiet and start tapping my teeth (or whatever you do)..."