Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone
I was wondering whether anyone else finds that their direct communication gets them into trouble?
I personally think it's really ironic that we get accused of not being able to communicate or having communication difficulties when most people with ASD are more direct. Surely being more direct should mean that that meaning is clearer, unabridged etc. However, this is seemingly not the case.
I generally find that when I feel hurt, I communicate straight away, and I tend to say exactly what I want or don't want. Sometimes it's hard for me to remember to be polite because this is extra information to have to negotiate in the heat of the moment. Anyway, so let's say I communicate directly by saying, "I didn't know that was happening. I feel quite overlooked." What I then get told is that my timing was not good and the tone was not good.
I don't know about others, but I try really hard to get it right, but it really is quite exhausting, and I actually feel I did quite well to say what I felt at the moment when the subject came up and to explain why also. I find it really hard to tone down the way I say something because it's linked to how I'm feeling and I'm not good at faking it.
Basically, what tends to happen is that I just go round and round in circles. Whenever I try to communicate my thoughts and feelings, I get ticked off for it and how I felt is ignored and overlooked.
Does anyone else struggle in this way and does anyone know any strategies to cope better? I'm not sure I have the energy to try to work out the right tone and way of putting something to make it more palatable!!
I used to feel the same way as you and was made to feel like I was a burden. I then came to realise I a good communicator and I'd been being a numpty thinking the problem was always with me.
Nowadays I usually give my point of view, explain my reasoning for that and ask if there's anything the other party would like to discuss/clarify based on what I've just said. I work in disability support, therefore, there's a lot of awareness of my need to be direct and honest, as well as why. Despite this, being in a female dominant environment many people still choose to lie when there with me then talk about me in a negative way behind my back. I can't make these people kinder or change the way they decide to communicate. My line manager is happy with the way I communicate so I leave my colleagues to it now and focus on the things that have gone well, rather than dwelling on the people whose behaviour upsets me.
Yeah, that sounds a good approach! Thanks for sharing how you communicate in a group. I'll try to use that model as it look very good. I suppose some people are just always going to talk about people behind their backs whatever...