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While my account is still here

As is my custom, as you know, I often wake up and write out my thoughts, or at any time really, (writing my thoughts, that is) as a way of processing my world and then I share them on here (sometimes) - my bad! - isn’t that what people say? I don’t like that phrase, I’ve never said it before, but it just popped out! Anyways, this is what popped out of my little sleepy head this morning ....

I don’t know why, but laid in bed this morning, in and out of a light sleep, after a mostly sleepless night (good excuse for midnight snacks and binge looking at random things on Instagram and YouTube etc etc etc ), it suddenly became very clear to me, in a snap shot moment of heart stopping horror, that oh my god shock ‍♀️horror stone me dead ~ OMG ~ YES ~ I really do live in la la land but no sooner did that thought register in my brain, when it was quickly followed by another thought, which was, so what? And not only so what, but don’t we ALL live in our own little worlds, asd or not? And wouldn’t everybody rather live in a world of sunflowers and sparkles and dew drops and daisy’s, marshmallows and roses, sugar and spice and all things nice?

Maybe I’m making up for a lost childhood, a childhood that wasn’t lived in a pink fairytale princess castle, filled with softness and kisses, cuddles and fun all the things you think of, or what I think of, when I think of a little girl growing up?

Mine was more like a little boys life, learning the ropes, learning to be tough and strong, in a world I didn’t understand, that was somehow separate to mine. It was more like a game of survival than a carefree love filled life of kisses n cuddles,  pink soft bunnies and lots of fun, sparkles and glitter and all things lovely, all the things I think of when I think of the life of a precious little girl, a precious little sensitive soul who knew nothing beyond unconditional love and light.

My life is still not filled with kisses and cuddles because I can’t bare to be touched, not even for a kiss. My mum has to, and always has, had to kiss me lightly on my forehead when she wants to kiss me (except for me, I do come from a family that kisses and cuddles) and she can’t even do that as often as she would like, because as much as I long to be and would love to be held tight in my mummy’s arms, somebody’s arms, anybody’s arms, my mums arms or anybody’s arms who loves me, and to be kissed and held tight when I’m feeling scared and alone, frightened and not safe and not knowing what to do, where to be, where to go, that has never happened and maybe never will because I most of all don’t like people even getting too close to me, physically or otherwise  - not because I don’t want them too, I’ve been crying out for this all my life, behind the clear glass case that is my life, so when I’m at my most scared, my most sad, my most heartbroken and when I need someone to be with me more than ever, that’s when I shut myself off from all human existence all the more - not because I want to, but because that’s just how I am and finally, after all these years, I understand that a bit more now. At least enough to simply accept it and make the most of what I’ve got.

So yes, maybe I am naive, stupid, too happy, too loving, too trusting, too much living in a made up fairytale existence, getting supreme joy and ecstasy from trees, plants, grass, clouds, wind, fresh air, leaves, colours of nature, the sea, hills, mountains, bike rides, walking, snow, cold, ice and all things natural or nature (is there is difference ‍♀️) ~ but when you can’t get your pleasures and happiness from other things, like most other people, such as jobs, houses, friends, family, cars, holidays, etc etc etc, what am I supposed to do?

Die?

Yes, I’m well aware that many on here think that that is what I should do ~ just go away and die ~ that has been made very clear to me, loud and clear, I get it, I hear you ~ YOU ARE A PIECE OF S**T THAT SHOULD NOT LIVE AND HAS NO RIGHT TO EXIST BECAUSE YOU’RE SO STUPID YOU CANT EVEN FOLLOW THE RULES THAT ARE SO OBVIOUS TO EVERY OTHER LIVING PERSON ON THIS PLANET THAT THEY AREN’T  EVEN MENTIONED ~ that I’m too much of a stupid idiot to live in this world. I can’t remember all the social rules, what I should say, what I shouldn’t say, where I can comment, where I can’t, if it’s ‘off topic’ or on - I wouldn’t have a f*****g clue about that, I didn’t even know what ‘off topic’ was or that it was a thing or that it even existed until it was rammed down my throat, and I still don’t understand it - I can just about work out what not to say, I think, after my recent lesson (yes, I learn better by experience), but even that would be hard work for me ~ too hard, in fact, after working out what I can and can’t say, I would have little energy left over to enjoy even the air I breath and feel and enjoy it on my face ~ this is why I love the wind so much because at least I get touched by something ~ so yes, I might be the devil in disguise, a troll, an evil person, living my life with the sole purpose of destroying others because I’m an evil piece of s**t, I don’t know about all that, I’ve never even thought about what a troll is before,  so maybe I am, maybe your right, maybe I’m like the boy in the bubble and when my world meets yours, I get it so wrong that I’m more than a failure, I’m a total piece of s**t who should be extinguished from life, immediately before I do any more damage. But since my diagnosis, at least I can accept what I have got and if making the most of what I do have, is a crime, then yes, I’m guilty, shoot me.

Oh, you did! Only I didn’t die. You may have succeeded in killing me from this site, but when I’ve processed all this, it’l probably take me about 3 months, it takes me a while to process even the simplest of things (how I ever got to be a highly successful social worker I’ll never know, well I do know, it’s because I’m a natural giver and can empathise with others and I’m a solution focussed person who doesn’t get lost in the stories so I was good at my job), I will be back to my uninterrupted (by floods of grief, loneliness and despair) happy, loving, giving little solitary self but I’ll be more careful in future ~ big lesson learned, thank you ~ and I’ll make sure I only go where I’m wanted and I’ll double, triple, quadruple check that in future, I wouldn’t dare walk into the woods again without checking that I’m welcome and accepted  and in the meantime, while I’m processing all this, I’ll continue where I left off, decluttering my s**t tip of a house, cleaning, organising and getting my routines built up again so I can go back out to work and try not to offend anybody.