Being Me

Following on from a post that somebody made about who we are, I wrote this, this morning while lying in my bed. I couldn’t think of anything to write when I first read that post and didn’t relate to the things that people or the person, was saying about themselves. But it must have been in the back of my mind because this morning I woke up and this is what tumbled out of me ️.

Let me just say, oh my god, I know I’m not really into the summer months, but the sound of birds though, on summer mornings ~ bliss on steroids

But back to me.

I love being me. I love being alive. I am so so happy and simply cannot imagine not being so happy.

I love the world we live in. The trees, the grass, the flowers, the rivers and the oceans. It is all so beautiful that sometimes I just cry, as there are no words for the sheer beauty and magnificence of it all.

It’s like the body. It just blows my mind. I know some people don’t like their bodies which to me, is something I can’t even begin to get my head around due to the sheer magnificence of what the body is and how it works. I know I’ve used that word once, magnificent, but I can’t think of any other way to describe the body ~ time to get the dictionary out I think, I need some new words!

Sometimes when I walk, I am fully aware of all the different parts of the body working together. I sometimes do, what is called, a walking meditation, where by you start by giving attention to your feet. As you put your attention on your feet you begin to become aware of all the different little bones in the feet and how they work together to make the foot move and bend and propel the body forward. How are they even holding up the entire body? ~ god, I love my little feet and they alone can marvel me for hours :)

... and then your attention comes up, through the ankles and then the calves and so on and so on and you become aware of each tiny section of the body, doing it’s thing, in harmony with the rest of the body.

It’s not only truly magnificent and awe inspiring but it’s also like poetry in motion. All these little parts of the body, all working together, in harmony, in perfect synchronicity  with each other and with unconditional love, respect, acceptance and support for each and every part, big or small, they’re all the same, all working together to enable me to walk, run, skip and jump, in fact, to enable me to do just about whatever I want to do. How fricking amazing is that? It just blows my mind and floods me to overflowing with pure, unadulterated love gratitude. It’s like rolling in ecstasy just thinking of the magnificence of it all.

Honestly, I can sit for hours just opening and closing my hand and watching my fingers as they move and flutter and make shapes. I sometimes make patterns on the wall if it’s dark. It’s such fun. I’ve been playing this game ever since I was a kid when my dad taught us how to play it. It never gets old, to me! My brother and sister don’t play it anymore, but I do, I love it. I love playing shadows on the wall made by my fingers and hand .

I can look at any part of my body and be entertained and amazed for hours at a time. When people ask me what do I do, because I don’t watch television or films or listen to radio or music, and I think, when they ask me that, are you kidding?

I can sit and look at my thumb alone, for hours on end and think what a wonderful part of the body that is. I can sit and look into what most people see as thin air, and be seriously entertained for hours upon hours, which can literally turn into days before I even realise it. In fact, that’s one of my most favourite things to do. The colours, the lights and the breathtaking beauty that never wains is enough to be grateful for, for the rest of my life. I miss appointments and all sorts because I’m so absorbed into looking into space or marvelling at a single blade of grass or my fingers! Lol! I not only need support workers but a PA (personal assistant) as well I think, to tell me when enough’s enough because I don’t know when enough is enough. How could you ever get enough of looking at your hand?

When I look in the mirror, I see the most beautiful (doesn’t come close to describing what I see, but no words could describe what I see) reflection looking back at me that it often (in fact, it always) takes my breath away, again and again and again. It brings tears to my eyes as the beauty is blinding. It’s truly awe inspiring and I was amazed to find out, from a therapy group I used to be in years ago, that not everybody sees the same thing when they look in the mirror or when they look at their body or think about it. I don’t know how that’s possible but then, they don’t know how it’s possible to see what I see! Strange! Lol! But who’s strange, me or them When I found out I was autistic, I thought, oh, so this is why I see what I see but I’ve since found out, that not even all autistic people see what I see also, although some do.

I can also look in the mirror and see a person looking back at me and that’s when I know I’m in my ego and I can gage the quality of my thoughts by what I think I look like. For example, if I don’t think I look very pretty, then I know that my thoughts aren’t very pretty either and sometimes I can even look not very pretty at all, in fact, the opposite, and then I know I’m in trouble and that my thoughts are definitely not pretty but then I can do something about them. I love my mirrors as much as I love me, the world and everybody in it.

Like emotions, I’m not always aware of what I’m thinking. I’m so self absorbed or self obsessed that I have to use little tricks to sometimes know what’s going on inside of me. Of course, most of the time I’m simply blissfully happy and enjoying this wonderful world of ours but that’s not always the case. But with more and more awareness and understanding of autism, I’m learning more and more little tricks to help me navigate the world of feelings and thoughts.

For example, a very recent discovery of mine is that when I’m suicidal, I have a very different smell. The difference is very subtle but it’s there and I know what it is now. So I’m into smelling myself now, for clues, that I can use before I get suicidal. My support worker thinks it’s great but has cautioned me to not sniff myself too much ~ she’s worried it’s going to turn into an obsession, but like I said to her. I know from experience, that if I don’t get into the habit of smelling myself and being aware of how I smell, when I start to become upset, I won’t remember to do it and then boom, before I know it, I’m in the suicide phase. So I want to learn to spot it before it comes so I can stop it, so I need to be always aware of how I smell and these things are always about practice. So my practice right now, is all about smelling myself or should that be sniffing myself? ‍♀️

Another one of my latest discoveries is that I also have empathy. I didn’t think I had this. I care deeply about all people. I care for other people and love them all as much as I love me, but I’ve never been aware of having empathy for other people, on a physical or material kind of level. However, on Saturday night, I think it was, or Sunday (actually, I have no idea what day it was, I rarely know what day, time, month or year it is). I watched a speech on being vegan and whoa, the guy speaking switched on a video for us to watch (he was actually talking to a real life audience when he did the speech, I just saw a recording of it) and straight away I could feel a distinct change in my body and within seconds of the video starting I was in tears.

This was clip one and I managed to watch it all the way through while only looking away for a split second, a couple of times. But the second clip he played, was beyond what I could cope with.

I tried to be brave and watch the whole thing, I really did but despite my best efforts, I couldn’t do it. I was distraught. I felt like I was a German Spy being tortured by the Russian Army (I have no idea where these images come from either lol, this is why it’s so much fun being me lol) and f**k me, I would have told them anything to avoid having to watch that video. Note to self: never become a spy! I couldn’t even sit down. I went into full on autistic mode. Hands on ears, making loud noises and walking round and round, almost spinning.

I was utterly delighted. I thought WoW, I do have empathy. At least I think that’s what this is, and immediately, at that point, another vegan was born.

I have been eating a plant based diet for a while now and I was very aware that even after just a few weeks into it, I was having what I could only describe as feelings of compassion towards animals. Which felt very weird because I’ve never been what you would call an animal lover. I would probably have said, if pushed, that I preferred animals to people but ultimately I have always preferred  myself and god over both of those, but I could feel this weird compassion thing growing inside of me but not just towards animals, it was also towards people. Because I thought about how terrible it must be for people to work in slaughter houses etc although not butchers. I’ve always had a fascination with butchers and I even managed to get a job on a market butchers once, although sadly, it only lasted half a day . All I really wanted to do was put my hands in the liver and meat and play and slosh around with all that blood with it’s beautiful deep intense colours and listen to that sloshing noise it makes. I ALWAYS went to the butchers for my mum when I was a kid, I used to love it and can still remember Brian the Butcher. That was my happiness as a kid, or one of them, going to the butchers to watch Brian and his hands in the meat. I loved everything about it. I could make an exact replica of his shop which is now a kitchen showroom type shop thing. But I still see it as my beloved butches shop. My eyes and my whole attention used to be transfixed on Brian the Butcher and every detail of his shop.

Anyway, I’m a vegan now and for the first week, all I’ve wanted to do is eat bacon! Lol! This is why I love this god damned mind so much. It’s utterly fascinating. It’s like, now my mind knows it can’t have bacon, it’s like it wants it! Lol! That amuses and fascinates me so much, so now I’m on the hunt for the best vegan bacon ever! I haven’t actually bought any yet, I’m still in research mode and I think I’m going to have to make some, which to be honest, I prefer to do that anyway. I’ve never really liked food that’s already been cooked by somebody else. I like to cook and prepare my own food. I can’t even bring myself to buy those already prepared salads that they sell in shops. Marks and Spencer’s do some that taste ok but there’s just something about me that doesn’t like food prepared by somebody else so I have to be desperate to eat that kind of stuff.

It’s like butter as well. I used to be the butter queen before I started to eat a plant based diet and I never really missed it at all, until I went vegan, last weekend, lol, so I’ve got a recipe for making vegan butter as well now, which I’ll probably try out today because it’s like I’m all of a sudden desperate for toast with butter on it! It’s crazy! All this time I’ve been eating a plant based diet, well over a year, I’ve never once craved butter on toast like this, but the minute I go vegan it’s like boom, I want butter and toast I love my mind so much.

I can’t imagine being on this earth, in this body, and not being blissfully happy. I know there are people who aren’t, but I’ve never met a person yet, who when I give them a trick or two, don’t become much happier. And some people, such as one of my support workers, said, that even when I’m being horrible to her (I think I’m being horrible, she says I’m not) but even when I’m like that, she says that for days after seeing me she can’t help but see all the good in the world. She said her little boy loves it when she’s seen me, because she’s so much more fun to be around. She said my passion for life shines out of me and here was me, thinking I didn’t have any passions,but according to her, I have one for life ‍♀️

I don’t understand the rules that other people live by. I simply live by what Jesus would do and this started way before I even knew who Jesus was, lol, so I had no idea what he would do but I always used to say, when I didn’t know what to do, what would Jesus do, and from that, I just used to seem to know what to do. These days, I just live by intuition but funnily enough, I do actually read the words of Jesus as well now. I just love the gospels and the book of proverbs. I only have to look at one of the gospels, not even read it and it’s like I’m thrown into raptures of ecstasy. Can you imagine if I was sexually active or into having relationships lol! I think I’d explode!

I could go on and on but it’s fair to say that I am grateful, every single day for every second of my life that just gets better and better with each new moment that arises. I love myself and all beings equally, that’s all people, and all animals as well, it seems! I said to my mum, I reckon I could look any animal in the eyes now, knowing I’m doing what I can for them, every day of my life. I’m going to devote (if that’s the right word) to the vegan movement, after I’ve paid my expenses etc, all the money I ever make and it’s given me a reason to work now. I’ve been struggling to get up to date with my course work and I know why now. It’s because I knew it would lead to me going back to work and I really couldn’t see the point of that but I can now. I can give my money to help save the animals from horrific deaths. I can’t stop being proud of myself. It’s weird. It’s like I’ve got something else to anchor me to this earth plane as well now. Getting my autism diagnosis was the first thing to anchor me to this earth plane and now this. I’m starting to feel like the Velveteen Rabbit (thanks ElephantintheRoom), like a real person