Published on 12, July, 2020
I don't like looking at myself in a mirror.
The person who looks back at me is a stranger to myself. He seems remote, distant not like the person who is within me.
And together with this is 'what I look like'. I don't have to look at myself, so in a way I am not bothered as to what I look like. I have just had to have a new pair of spectacles as my previous ones were getting more and more difficult to see through, and were held together with tape with the lenses constantly dropping out. But I didn't have to look at myself, so I was not concerned about this as it was the misfortune of others to see me. I didn't see myself.
I have today had my haircut for the first time in a year. It was getting very long, and had begun to irritate me by blowing over my face and eyes. But I didn't have to look at myself so I didn't bother that it must have looked very untidy. It has now gone from 'hippy 1960's' to 'respectable'. But I still don't have to look at myself.
I don't like it when my facial hair gets too long. But I don't like shaving either. I won't use a mirror when shaving. My skin is very sensitive to a razor blade and I always cut myself so it has to be an electric razor. So I go from looking like I 'need a shave' to shaved look. But once again, I don't look at myself. The only driving force for it is that I begin to feel uncomfortable as I don't like the feel of my facial hair.
I must say that I do like the 'feeling' when I have just had my hair cut, and am clean shaved. But that isn't the motivation. The motivation is purely my hair on my head or face getting so long as to feel uncomfortable. And in the case of spectacles reaching the end of their natural life. And I still won't look in a mirror!
I would be interested to know if this is just peculiar to me, or whether others have similar motivations.
I can just about tolerate looking at myself in the mirror, but I hate seeing photos of myself, or having them taken - as for work IDs or passports. Last year, though - after weeks of the usual comparisons and deliberations, and visiting different opticians to try and re-try countless pairs of frames - I found some that glasses that I'm completely happy with for the first time in years of wearing them (my eyes are the wrong shape for contacts, and I now need glasses - varifocals - all the time). These frames are actually perfect for my face. With my short hair, too (albeit grey!), I look a bit like Joe 90! Quite nerdy, you might say.
I also had my hair cut yesterday. I usually go to a Turkish barber around the corner, because he hardly speaks any English, so there isn't the usual chit-chat to contend with. I wasn't happy about the way he cut my hair last time, though. I asked for a Grade 4 back and sides and short scissor cut on top, but he didn't do the top short enough... and then seemed to be saying that he couldn't cut it any shorter because then he'd have to make the back and sides shorter, too - like he would only cut it according to his way of thinking how it should look! So this time I found another, cheaper hairdresser in town. The woman who cut it did a good job. But I got the usual questions: 'Day off today? What do you do? Do you live nearby?' Agh! I hate all that. And being on the spot like that, I feel I have to answer. To make it worse, though, in the gaps between all the questions and answers, she kept humming a tune. I think it was probably a nervous thing, to fill the silences, but I found it quite disturbing. I was glad to get out of there.
I hate shaving. I have more crevices on my face now, which makes it more awkward to get to some of the stray stubble. Also, I've started to find that I have to go over some areas several times to remove everything, yet still find a 'mark' of stubble there - like it's tattooed on, almost. I wonder if you can get facial electrolysis to prevent facial hair from growing. I use special 'sensitive' razors because I also have sensitive skin. Lots of foam or gel, too.