Making peace with the past

I’m back

Will respond later but I’m going out right now for a bit 

For reflection I use

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=KgMzxQW2raE

Or

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=-YAWbuWP4yc

For anger or passion

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=cSeBpKHHwJQ

or

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Po5zT1krKOc

For sadness I use this also

m.youtube.com/watch

Yes, I can relate to all of that and I’m getting back into British history through religion, of all things! But it’s highly fascinating. 

With the schedule thing. It just takes practice. Every time the thought comes up, you go quiet, into a kind of meditative state, and ask, is it true? Your ego might jump in and say yes, but you’re not asking the ego. You’re asking, is it true? And allow the experience of that to unfold. For example, you’ll see, that actually, it’s never even happened before, and the chances are, they’re just late, or they’ve forgotten. It takes practice and it’s much better if you write it down. And even better if you do it on a Byron Katie worksheet, which you can get for free at her website. It’s easy and gentle and it’s just 4 questions, and it will reverse the thinking that creates that anguish in you when somebody doesn’t turn up on time.  You can use it then in all situations and slowly but surely, you have less and less of the dark times and you start growing in the light. 

I’m like you. An absolute contrast. And it has worked on me. With patience and practice, I don’t feel things on such a deep level so often, I’m becoming less intense and more flexible. I’m making sure I build flexibility into my new routines. 

http://thework.com/en

She’s got loads of YouTube videos out there and on her site as well. 

You have re-reminded me as well of how I used to use physical exercise to channel my energy. I didn’t actually realise I was doing that, until now, I just knew that when I’m running, in the gym, yoga and boxing, I feel much better and seem to manage the days much better. 

It’s all starting to make sense now. Thank you. I have started a daily 5 minute yoga routine. It’s not much, but it’s a start. Thanks for your help. 

I’ve subscribed to those other two channels you mentioned also. Thanks. I never knew about the other two. 

Whoa, that was hard to watch. I cried, no, I sobbed deep soulful tears. Probably because I ended up a drug parent and lived in that world. I think I needed to see that! 

Does listening to music like that, help you release emotions so that they don’t get trapped in you? I haven’t listened to stuff quite like that for a long time, and I’m wondering now if it’s a good strategy to help release emotions? 

I know I have emotions, because my behaviour last week, showed me that. I’m wondering if listening to music like this sometimes will help me release emotions? 

How often would you listen though? Could it be when you start spotting signs that you’re having an emotion, such as, in my case, I want to fight? 

The song starts of a bit like bad day by Daniel Powter which I used to listen to, it was a good song and and made me feel a bit wierd but I guess I listen to it less no because I listen to song lyrics more now and the lyrics of NF make me feel like I’m not the only one in my situation.

i enjoy both American history and British history as British history is amazing and how a country so small controlled 3/4 of the globe.

i like American culture and the clothes I wear are often very American because of their style and colour. I wear baseball hats and colourful jackets and tops. I either look like the smartest in the room or like I’ve just came out of Michigan. I’m either wearing vey dark clothes or am as bright as the sun. 

I can have a very contrasting character, some days I can be very relaxed and laid back and some worrying about death and almost in an emotional burnout with depression, sadness anxiety and suicidal thoughts. I don’t think I’d ever go for suicide because I enjoy living. I suppode there what if thoughts on suicide.

i also have problems with schedules, I’ll give one example, if someone says they’ll be back at 7 and there not then I automatically assume that they’ve been murdered or died in a car crash.

I’m exactly the same. In fact, I’ve just wrote a post, saying I have found somebody else like me and then you go and say all this as well! :) 

I enjoy watching YouTube videos and I’ve watched the same documentaries etc about the same people, over and over again, and I always learn something new. I’m more into American and other world history at the minute. I don’t really look into the world wars anymore. I watch aspie world! 

I’ll check out the link. This was my go to song for a while, until I had my meltdown last week  https://youtu.be/Rkkw8RhH9ck but I’ve got a few others as well, depending on how I’m feeling 

The self reflection I went through also made me realise  who I actually like around me, I came up with around 12 people Me,Jacob,MY mum and dad,Uncle Ben,gran and grandad.Mitchell, Jack and Alfie are all my semi friends. My sister I love with all my heart and I would have to save my brother because he could be ok when he gets older.

I have multiple historical inspirations.

churchill, Martin Luther king, General Montgomery and Lord nelson are a few to name.

I enjoy watching YouTube videos and channels like Agony Autie, Runaway germ and The aspie world. 

I love pretending to Perform to an audience and I put all emotion I don’t understand into them. I use songs that reflect how I think I’m feeling.

You should watch that link to the song I put in, even if you don’t like the song the video is emotional. That’s if you haven’t already watched it.

I can totally relate to this Will. I asked my friend the other day, if he sings to an audience when he listens to music. He doesn’t, but I’m glad you do! That made me so happy  I do all the things you do and used to have a fascination for WW1 and WW2 for many years, but I’ve got different ones now. 

I’m into people like Einstein, Ford, Lincoln, I can’t  think of the others off hand. 

I’m the same as well. I learn a lot from interacting with others. I don’t think any one of us is like each other at my autism group yet I learn so much from all of them. 

Regarding the guy Jute, you have no idea why he went off line but that belief, that everybody leaves you eventually, will say that you’re the reason he went off line. I know, because I had that belief, for years. And guess what? Everybody left me! Well not everybody. See, there’s the trick. If you look at your life, real closely, you’ll see that it’s not true that everybody leaves you and most of the time tthe ones that do leave, we are really pleased about, it was actually  pretty damn convenient when someone left, because it was getting to be too much effort for little reward anyway! 

I’ve only just realised I have the alexithymia thing and haven’t really looked into it and probably won’t. I seem to be slowly understanding that I have feelings and how to spot them etc, so I’ll see how I get on. 

Will Young said:

When I’m alone I can be myself, with family and neurotypicals I’ll be quiet and uninteractive but when I’m alone in my own home I’ll Sing/Rap, dance, go mental and sing

I'm like that with the clients at work - entering their world when they arrive (learning and physical disabilities).  They disinhibit me, and enable me to be the person I truly am.  People think it's a performance, because I'm not like that around anyone else - and especially not family or work colleagues.  It's not a performance, though.  A performance is what I put on when I have to be a serious grown up around family and work colleagues!  When I'm alone, too, it's how I think.

Thanks for replying,

Talking to people in my situation is much more helpful than talking to therapists, I’ve had a fair few but I only liked one. I prefer to go to some of the groups set up for autistics.

I’m much a person for one friend I would die for than multiple friends as I have to beat friends, Jacob and ME. I’ve got me for life, like in the G-eazy song me,myself and I. When I’m alone I can be myself, with family and neurotypicals I’ll be quiet and uninteractive but when I’m alone in my own home I’ll Sing/Rap, dance, go mental and sing the arsenals chants when the football is on. Instead of fighting I use my passion for sports to forge my inner fire into something positive, in football I can release my inner fire as it’s a contact sport and I can push myself to my full ability.

I have a few extra special interests which I follow every day.                                 These are:

Football                     

WW2 and WW1 ( or any other historical conflict, I watch documentary’s on them and films).

Music (I will do anything I can with headphones on such as eat breakfast, lunch, work or just responding to people on here, Now I’m listening to Therapy Session by NF.

I probably stop there but there are more.

alexythmia is difficult as I have a little SIS who i love (my brother not as much) but whenever she telling s me something I try to seem really emotional but I can’t. 

I was on an alexithymia forum

https://www.alexithymia.us/forum

I was talking to a guy called Jute and I developed a close bond of relating to him but he left after a small debate which made me have a bit of a meltdown as I realised anyone around me leaves eventually. The song that reflected my feelings because I can’t tell due to alexithymia was,

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=wOzQMCyPc8o

But I’ve recovered and joined here so I’ve entered a new chapter. 

आगे जारी रखें

Continue forward....

I’ve not yet reached an even terrain to feel secure enough and safe enough to open the jumbled box of the past.

I have no regrets regarding what choices I’ve made or how I’ve conducted myself but there is a fault line of “ouch” that runs through it.

Its the same with tears and the emotional “let go”. I’ve been re-reading Odd Girl Out by Laura James and this quote particularly resonanted:

”I am trying to hold back a tide of emotion until I’m strong enough to logic my way through”.

I’m pretty amazed actually, when I look back over my life, at how I ever got by! Lol! There’s got to have been a lot of skills being utilised to get me through those days of being in the wilderness, which was often very dark. Some little light, that at times, was invisible, got me through though.

Same here.  Having to wait until 56 to begin to make sense of it, too - a time when many people would perhaps be beginning to think about their retirement.  With me, it was about life feeling like it was only just starting.  Considering events just prior to my diagnosis, I really am lucky to be alive still.

I love interacting, deeply and wholly, with people I meet,

I've rediscovered that feeling this week, which has been my first full week back at work.  I'm now working with a mixture of learning disabled and physically disabled.  As I said elsewhere, I still struggle with the 'before' and 'after' times of the day, when it's just me with the other  staff.  But when the clients arrive, it's like I can step into their world and out of the 'act'.  I become the natural me.  I lose anxiety.  People have commented about how much different I appear to be when with the clients.  Disinhibited.  Relaxed.  Extrovert, even!

Making peace with the past is a long process.  I can't change what's happened - things I've done, people I've hurt.  But I can change my attitude to life.  And I can go forwards with a bit more peace and understanding.

I'm glad you're out of the wilderness, and seeing the light and the beauty.  Sounds like a wonderful place to be. 

I wish you well going forwards, BlueRay.  Bringing light into the lives of others works its special magic.

Remember the old saying: Life can only be understood backwards.  But it has to be lived forwards.

Go forwards in joy and peace

It’s taken me 51 or 52 years, whatever it is (I can never remember how old I am!) to be able to look back ~ prior to this, I never looked back. I can see now that my life was almost like a train wreck! Lol! A big old heavy train just hurtling forward at high speeds until it finally crashed and burned. I don’t even know if I had the ability to look back. I didn’t know how you did it. But I’m enjoying it now and it makes me so proud to be me and as Eccentric said, it gives you a passion for yourself that you didn’t know existed. The diagnosis gave me the ability to look back, I think, because it’s like I have two lives, my pre diagnosis life and the new life I’m creating now. I suppose before, I never even had an anchor point to be able to look back from, because I didn’t even know who I was or what I wanted etc, so what was there to look back on?!?! So it kind of happened naturally as a consequence of getting the diagnosis and now I look back and think WoW how the hell did I get through that! Lol! I must posses some kick ass skills in me that I never recognised before, so now I’m all about unearthing them and putting them to better use. As Cloudy says, self acceptance and looking back, seeing just how well we’ve really done etc, really helps with and stablises mental health and enables you to break free from the limitations, accept what we can’t change and begin to expand out into areas that are important to us and to live in accordance to ourselves, regardless of how different that might look to the rest of society. We begin to be able to find our own way, carve out our own paths, according to us and our needs. 

Ditto and I’m so glad you did wake up that afternoon on your kitchen floor ️I think we’re all blinking marvellous to come through what we’ve  come through and to me, the most important thing is that we’ve come through it with not only our hearts and minds in tact, but the mind is clearer than ever and the heart is more loving, kinder and more compassionate than ever before. It’s probably not that we’re kinder, but that we have broken through the glass barrier that kept us separate from everyone, including ourselves. 

I watched a documentary on broadmoor the other day and one of the guys they were filming was autistic. They’ve really helped this guy and his attitude towards it all, made me think, only an autistic person could have that outlook. There is something very special that happens in the mind of an autistic person.  I can’t describe it. I feel like I want to say we’re special, but we’re not, we’re no more special than anybody else, but there is definitely something very unique about our make up, the way we’re wired, that enables us to have a very unique outlook on life, which is definitely very special. 

It’s our time to shine in the world and to show people how life is really done

I agree. I’ve cried rivers of tears but looking back, has made me feel a great passion for myself and my life and I value the negatives as much as the positives because like you said, it is those that made me a better person.