Published on 12, July, 2020
Looking back
I’m not one for looking back on my life. To be honest, I never learned the knack of it, nor did I understand the point of looking back. I didn’t really get it.
But looking back, is something I seem to suddenly be able to do now, and it’s helping me. It has taken a lot of encouragement and support as well as guidance, from my work coach at the job centre and all my support workers and my psychiatrist, and lots of practice and at times, blind faith.
But it paid off, because now, when I think, it’s all too much, I’m not where I want to be and it seems too far away, I simply remind myself, I have just experienced a major, major burnout, and I’ve had two years just laying on my back. So my 5 minutes of physical exercise each day, whatever it is, is blinking marvellous, and over time, I’ll get back to not only running 7 miles in a morning, but many more and all the other stuff and more as well.
There is so much from my past that I can bring forward. I don’t have to leave it all behind and one of the things I’m bringing with me, is the knowledge that I can do this. I’ve done it before. And this time. Whatever I do, it’s built on a solid foundation. The clear knowledge of who I am. So it will remain. Whatever I build, will carry whatever comes it’s way.
So, it seems I can look back and make use of the past. I was all for leaving it all behind but my support workers helped me to keep some of it. And I know why, now. Some of the past is useful. I can let go of all that is no longer useful. I can let it all go with love, knowing, it has fulfilled its purpose. And make way for the new. But bring with me, my strengths and the skills I learned. I can put them to better use and integrate them with my new self awareness, to create a more peaceful and stable, yet no less exciting life.
I’m pretty amazed actually, when I look back over my life, at how I ever got by! Lol! There’s got to have been a lot of skills being utilised to get me through those days of being in the wilderness, which was often very dark. Some little light, that at times, was invisible, got me through though. And now I’m out of the wilderness, I can see for myself. And despite appearances, all I see is love.
I don’t have much tolerance for being around people. I always end up telling them what to do. They’re like teddies, to me! They need lining up and telling what to do, if they’re going to be any use at all ~ in my little world
But I love interacting, deeply and wholly, with people I meet, when I’m out and about. I can just blurt out whatever’s on my mind or in my heart and often it leads to some wonderful moments and lots and lots of learning and expanding of my heart and mind. Some times, there’s an undeniable perfect flow of love. It’s like a mutual exchange of love, that makes you think, this is what love feels like. And you, and the other person or persons, walk away, with an undeniable feeling of immense joy and we don’t know quite why. It’s a beautiful experience.
My life might not look ordinary, because it’s not. It’s extra ordinary. That’s what happens when you live from the heart and not the mind. Even the simple act of washing some dishes, can be a truly wonderful experience, when you’re present with it, in the moment, in the heart and not in the mind. The way the hands work together and the way they move, so gracefully, is truly mesmerising. You don’t need thoughts or ballets! Watching your hands at work is like watching a ballet. It’s like poetry in motion ️
I think I’m maybe doing what they call, ‘making peace with the past’? I’ve never really understood all these little sayings people seem to say sometimes. But I think I’m actually doing that now. I think I’m making peace with the past. It feels like the next phase of acceptance and integration of the diagnosis and the new self awareness that I’ve gained, that I’m now experiencing.
Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water, is another one of those sayings, that I think I understand now. I can let go of all that wasn’t or is no longer helpful, from my past, but there’s lots of good stuff that I can keep and use.
It’s a nice feeling. Making peace with the past. Who knew?!?! Lol!
I've been thinking some more about this, I say I don't want to look too far back but when I think about it its my past thats made me stronger, the saying 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger' is really beginning to ring true for me now 10 months ago I didn't think id still be here with the disciplinary and everything that's happend, knowing I could lose my job my home my career... there were times when I really seriously contemplated suicide, bought a rope stole some of my mums diuretic medication, it frightened me I'm still on shaky ground at times now but I do feel I am so much stronger than I ever thought I could be, hopefully some day i'll be as positive as you.
Bookworm,
They are not worth it, we are stronger than that as proved by the pitfalls we have survived through out life. I have so much baggage from my past where I could have gone off the rails, etc but like you our, dare I say, moral compass makes us strong.
I see both of us at that crossroads and wherever we turn now we know the wrong turn and have two options that are our future roads/paths to happiness (one with work and one with ourselves). These future roads/paths may start out as a single road/path with a fork but we will know when we get there.
Thanks, I know, we're both on a journey and its just a case of dealing with the obstacles as they present. A colleague came to see me today and that also helped, shes been with me throughout and just thinks the whole thing stinks. Its true though, 'what doeesn't kill you makes you stronger isnt it.
Great, you have true friends/support in work, like myself. I have a network too who have known me professionally and personally for 18 years and they can see how bad it looks for the employer and believe me (some never actually realised I had Autistic traits because they have only the TV/film experience).
That’s so true,
Autistic people can be the most emotionaly valnurable people as we have to deal with way more rejection and self hatered than others. But as we fight the continued pain of live we develop minds of steel and become some of the strongest people there are.
The pain and suffering pays of in the long run, that’s why you can’t end life in the tough times which I was lucky not to do but now I’m in that transition of self acceptance. I will still fight more pain in life and face huge challenges but hopefully now I’ve been tested I can deal with it better.
Its like when you smelt metal, every time you do it the metal gets stronger.