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Advice please daughter no 2

Justfour

Hi all, some of you may have helped me already with advice about my 11 year old. 

Ive been talking to someone who's been training about ASD and she thinks it's possible my other daughter may be on the spectrum too! I really can't see it and would love some advice for anyone who might have some idea. 

My other daughter is 13. She has always had behaviour issues such as defiance and flare ups of temper. This has got worse since age ten (she hit puberty at 12 so not sure if hormones are to blame for her behaviour getting worse). I'll tell u what her main issues are and let me know what you think.

From a toddler she has been difficult. She didn'tspeak properly till 3 but understood very well.  If I said something like don't touch the wall, it's wet with paint she would HAVE to touch it. She has meltdowns where there is no reasoning with her till she's over it. Positive praise, ignoring, taking away favorite things, nothing changes her behaviour. She does have obsessions but one month it will be a certain band then next it's a sports team, during this time she wants her room decorated with posters bedding, googles all about them and talks about them a lot.She hasn't had many friends, she went through primary with one main friend, she now has moved away and here we are 5 weeks into the summer holidays and she hasn't been out with one friend. She gets on ok with my friends kids when they are together. If she gets an idea in her head it's got to be done now! Then if I say no, explain why, doesn't matter, she hears no and boom! Another meltdown as if it's the first time I've ever said no to her. During meltdowns she will say she wants me to die and how she would like it to haPpen! If I ignore her and walk awayshe will follow me around being abusive to get a reaction. 

She can be such a caring loving girl. She's very sensitive and has a great sense humour. But even after a lovely day out she can still explode forvirtually no reason. When she was ten I came across a checklist for ODD(obedient defiance disorder) she ticked every box. Could it be this?

The girls father is very similar to this. So I assumed she just took after him, if anyone has any thoughts I would love to hear them, not sure what to think now. Thanks

  • ''Challenge all inappropriate behaviours''. What behaviours would they be?.

    ''Treat her 95% able and 5 % autistic''. This makes no sense - if you are autistic, you are autistic right the way through. You have your own individual personality, preferences and unique way of doing things, but to not make allowances for behaviour which has its roots in the autism is unrealistic, and could even be damaging and traumatic for the person with autism.

    ''Less autistic''. There is no such thing - you cannot cure autism, and 'less autistic' is simply a relativistic expression which simply fails to understand that the person is still  autistic but has developed layer upon layer of coping strategies, and all they do is to mask the autism and do not make in in reality 'milder'.

    ''Banned dvds''. Why ban them? They give her pleasure. I was obsessed with Kate Winslet films at this age, but they were never banned. They gave my live meaning and purpose. Would you like it if we banned what makes you happy?

     

  • Thank you for replying, as with my other daughter it's good to get some reassurance it may not be me over reacting!My 11 year old has always been quirky and as she gets older its becoming more apparent things aren't right, I'm waiting for an assessment for her at the moment.

    With my 13 year old, I never would have expected ASD. I did think a few years ago she may have ODD but someone said all the dr would do is send me to parenting classes! I know it's not my parenting as I've already brought up a well balanced 23 year old (different father to younger two). 

    She is so challenging at times and I've always thought surely it's not normal for a kid who knows I'm going to follow through on threats of things being taken away or early to bed etc to have no regard at the time for anything I say! Then after warnings then punishment it's all my fault! 

    I hope this is a neurological problem because then maybe it's not too late for some help. Though what course that would take at 13 I have no idea. She has been an average student throughout school but this last term she has been struggling and starting to be challenging to the teachers. I think it's time to make an appointment with the dr.

    Should I mention ASD or ODD? Or just tell him what she's like and hope he sees there is really a problem and not poor parenting skills?

    Again, any advice would be gratefully received, really struggling as single mum with everything going on at the moment.

  • Oh my goodness!

    I have just read your post of your daughter and i thought i had wrote this post myself. I have a 13 year old daughter with A.S.D she was diagnosed at 3.

    It began for me around the classic age 2. I have an elder daughter who is 15 now who reached and exceeded all baby milestones. I originally thought that my second daughter now 13 was a little behind for her age. I started to have an uneasy feeling that it was something more and not just the terrible two's. She started to lose the small vocabulary she had built up to what we called gobble de gook. She had trouble fitting into pre school and I called a meeting with the practioners there to seek their advice. Low and behold they were just about to call us in as something wasnt right with her. I came straight out with it and asked if it was Autism and although they were reluctant to say they agreed with me that it could be. They put her forward to an extremely intensive 8 week assessment for Autism. Which she passed with flying colours.

    A prognosis was hard to say for her at that time as she was put on the spectrum as somewhere in between mild and severe.

    She always had speech and slowly but surely the speech returned although it was Echolalic(tv and dvd language). She had a statement for a mainstream school of 20 hours which in the early days was much needed. We were put in touch with various help groups and went to many many autistic workshops, some were good and apt some had to be dismissed. We were then put in touch with our local intensive intervention team who came to visit us over a couple of months. We also had to attend loads of their workshops. Basically, they observe you and then as i saw it rip your parenting techniques to shreds. Obviously this is not how it really was but it felt like it. The one piece of major advice they gave us was to treat her 95% able and 5% Autistic. We adopted this attitude from a early age. Never making allowances for the Autism and challenge ALL inappropriate behaviours which often resulted in huge major aggressive tantrums and meltdowns.

    Today we consider her mildy Autistic as i believe if intervention is early enough you can make some children less Autistic.

    Everything you have written about your daughter is an almost exact replica of my daughter today. loving, caring, anxious, obsessive about dvd's which has got worse lately with puberty and the six weeks holiday.

    Recently, we have banned dvd's and believe she is having withdrawal symptoms as she likes to dissolve into her fantasy world which makes her feel safe. We are currently trying to find another distraction to take it's place.

    As for her father, well we split during the assessment many moons ago. It has also been said by her psychologist that he to was Autistic but remains unaware and undiagnosed.

    The we in this post refers to me and her wonderful step dad who finds Autism as i do fascinating, tiring and sometimes rewarding.

    We liken her Autism to the game whack a mole, hitting away unwanted behaviours, only for another to take its place. Having said all this despite the turmoil we wouldnt change anything about her. She is who she is, beautiful, funny, caring and very stressful.

    You are not alone, I found relief in your post that we are not alone either, thank you!