Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello all,
First off, I don't really know if this is the place for me (in terms of posting in a forums). I was diagnosed with autism at a very young age and I'm now 18. The whole subject of it makes me feel weird and even when writing this I feel a mix of strong emotions with my hands shaking. The reason I'm writing this post is recently I have felt alienated and feel like I'm not happy myself from a 3rd person perspective. I have had this throughout my life but it keeps coming and going at certain times and the older I become the more I learn about how I behave and socialize. If I take a step back and look at my thoughts throughout life on self confidence and self identity I'm so damn confused.
I have some cool friends and around them I feel like a cool person I'd like to meet but when I carry on with daily life (talking to people in public, making new friends, etc) I feel like a weirdo and idiot. To cut to the chase, the main reason I'm asking for advice on this matter is because of my progress within martial arts. I have been doing martial arts for around a year and a half and I'm lucky to have some really nice and influential people in my class. I do have to note that they are all older than me and the youngest being 21. I idolize my teacher and want to be like him so much. When I go to my class my personality completely shifts (it feels like it does) and I become more timid and shy. Even my voice feels higher. When I say something to my teacher I feel like an idiot no matter what it was because I look up to him so much I want him to be impressed.
An example of this strange behavior, the reason why I'm addressing it and writing this post, about 4 hours ago I had my class. We were doing a sparing/demonstration type lesson in which you would test your stance and core movements to block a simple punch in different ways. Whether I'm throwing the punches or receiving them I'm doing them in a timid fashion and occasionally will retract my arms and legs when I should be holding position. (which is not good! I honestly think it's due to low self esteem in that environment!). Anyway I don't want to bore you with more martial art stories, the desired result is to be less shy when practicing in that environment.
My martial arts class is just a small snippet of what life can feel like most of the time, me being an idiot. For the first time in my life I feel like I want to be a cool person who can offer a lot of personality and charisma. I've destined to try and develop my character more over this year and I want to start by asking you readers, how can I become more confident and charismatic? Even after writing this up I feel like not sending it but at the same time I want to find a solution.
Sorry to write so much,
If this is not a suitable place to ask these questions please tell me.
I'd also like to mention, don't worry if you don't relate to my age or interests or even current situation. Any kind of advice would be highly appreciated! Just someone else's opinion on it would help.