Gratitude, to autism, I guess!

Autism expresses itself, in many different ways. In so many unique and beautiful ways. 

My best friend, has something, I don’t know what it’s called, but he doesn’t express himself through vocal tone or facial expressions etc. But when he talks to me, it’s like there’s some kind of line that’s running between us. And as he talks and as my love for him grows, by the second, something much greater is happening. I don’t know how, it’s almost like some weird transfer of information via some kind of weird osmosis or something, whatever that means! 

We spoke on Saturday night. He called me on the phone. And since then, things have been happening to me. 

It’s like through him, I see the beauty of me in me but not only me, in all autistic people. 

It’s like, I learned to do, what he would probably say he would love to do, to some degree. I learned to pass as an nt, and I did an amazing job of it. I don’t actually think I could have done any better. 

But when I talk to him. My whole world lights up. Our conversations are so unique that I can marvel just at that, for hours at a time. 

He speaks to me in a way that I’ve always wanted to be spoken too. How I need to be spoken to. We speak the same language. That doesn’t mean he talks about  ‘spiritual’ stuff like I do. He doesn’t. Not at all. It doesn’t matter. It’s really weird. 

When I’m with him, it’s like time stands still and we just are. We go for lunch and we could sit there for hours. Sometimes we do, when we can. I don’t even know what we talk about. I think it’s normal stuff. Getting to know each other, I’d say. But it’s odd that it feels normal, because I guess I never felt like I was normal. But now I know I am, it’s like I’m being normal, without being taught or without trying. We just talk about normal things. 

I hope I bring as much joy into his life as he does mine. I could never really explain to him, or anybody else, just how much and what he’s brought into my life. And that doesn’t matter. That’s a conversation between me and god. But I do hope my presence in his life brings at least a sparkling of what he brings into mine, because he has brought so much into mine. 

I love the way he expresses himself and so do many others. I love the raw honesty of autistic people who are happy in themselves. I know he doesn’t think his life is perfect, but I know it is and I hope one day, he’ll get over thinking he wants what other people seem to have, and just realise that none of that stuff is real, and I hope for him to love, everything he has got and who he is, just the way that I love him and value everything he has. I adore his family, all of them, and I’ve only met his mum so far. He’s such a beautiful soul. And he’s not the only one. 

I bump into other autistic people now, when I’m out and about. Usually guys but sometimes women. Or I meet them in places like mind etc. And each one of them, I’m sure, will never know how important they are to me and how much I love them and how much I love talking to them. It’s like being a me I can’t ever remember being, but I’m sure I must have been it once, because it feels so natural and normal. There’s no pressure. We’re blunt and forth right. Our conversations don’t carry on from one thing to the another. They’re more random. We stare into space or burst out laughing, and it’s all completely normal to us. They think I’m lucky because I can talk like and get by like an nt. I think they’re lucky because had I stayed true to myself, I would have had 50 years of me, behind me instead of 50 years of playing a part. 

Of course it was much more than that. That barely scratches the surface of the truth of it. The truth is. I was simply searching for the answer to who I was. Once I got that. I’ve never so much as nearly ‘masked’ since. I couldn’t do it if I tried and thankfully, I don’t need to now as most of the people I have contact with are autistic. That proves to me that I wasn’t masking. I was searching. And as part of my search I was lead into all sorts of situations, and like most aspie women, I used my intelligence to navigate my way through. But no matter how successful I was. It never worked. Because I had to be me. I had to know who I was. 

I am so grateful to the people who have studied autism and have enough knowledge etc to have been able to diagnose me and give me the answers I needed. I never in my life imagined I would be happy to be ‘diagnosed’ with anything! But this diagnosis opened up a whole new world for me. As I know it has for some others on here as well. 

It’s funny, because from the outside in, it looks like I’m in a worst position in life than I’ve ever been. Thousands of pounds in debt etc, living on benefits, etc, yet I’ve never felt as happy and as well and as looked after and as abundant in all my life. My life couldn’t be any better. It’s 17 months, post diagnosis, and I’m happy with that. I knew it takes between 1 and 3 years, to come to terms with the diagnosis, so I’m happy with 17 months. Of course I’m still only just slowly coming out of burnout out but this time, my life is being built on a solid foundation. On the rock of the knowledge of who I am. And life doesn’t get better than that. So I’m happy to live life in the slow lane, taking it easy, while moving forward, baby step by baby step.