I saw my health and wellbeing support worker from Reed yesterday. And something she said amazed me.
She had a colleague sitting in with her and she turned to him and said, that she loves seeing me because my passion for life inspires her and uplifts her to such a degree, that she feels amazing for days afterwards. She said it’s like she suddenly starts seeing all the good in the world and she finds herself enjoying herself more.
I couldn’t believe it. I’ve only seen her twice!
And both times, to my mind, I was anything but passionate about life! I thought I was rude to her. Both times. This is usual for me when I’m first in these kinds of situations. It takes me a few weeks just to know if I’m warming to them or not. I thought her ideas were ridiculous and stupid and that she clearly didn’t know me! ~ I don’t take any notice of these thoughts, by the way, meaning after the event, I know they’re not true. They are pretty standard and as far as I knew, this was the attitude I was displaying ~ that I didn’t want to be there, I hated it and her and I couldn’t wait to get out of there.
How the hell did we go from that, to her thinking I was inspirational!!!!!
Honestly, I’m baffled. When I think I’m being nice and friendly, like at the church last week, when after only a few moments of talking to the minister, she suddenly, and to my mind, totally randomly, exploded and said she was going to walk right out of the church, hand in her resignation, because I had just destroyed everything she had ever believed in!!! I had no idea what I had said. The only thing I could remember saying, was, why don’t you kill your self. But that wasn’t as harsh as it sounds, out of context, so I know it wasn’t that, that upset her. If she was upset. I couldn’t tell. She confused the hell out of me ♀️. I couldn’t really work out what was going on.
I wonder if everyone sees me as the opposite of what I think I am? That’s weird!
You’re right. I don’t care about what other people think of me, I have little to no control over that. But I do care what I think of others. If I have even one, slight, unkindly thought about anyone, I don’t let it settle with me. I will sort it out. But I don’t care what others think about me. But I do love all people, unconditionally.
No, I literaly don’t see the world through the eyes of right or wrong. In my eyes, there simply isn’t a right or wrong. Everybody views, in my eyes, are equally valid and right, meaning, they can’t be wrong, therefore they must be right. Not as an opposite to wrong, but as an only. Meaning there is only right, that sometimes appears wrong. But that doesn’t make it wrong. If that makes sense? If it doesn’t, tell me, and I’ll explain it another way.
I’m so pleased for you Tom, with the job, They sound like lovely people who really appreciate your innate qualities of caring, supreme honesty, fairness and a desire to do right by people. I think this job is going to work out just perfectly for you, and I’m glad, because I know I say we don’t necessarily deserve things (my weird way of looking at the world), but you do deserve this. And I’m glad you’re getting a good break before you start. Enjoy it. You know you haven’t got a lot of preparation to do, because you’re going to a safe, kind place, so take this time for you. You definitely deserve that. You’ve been through one heck of a roller coaster of emotions of late and a lot of actual disruption. That’s heavy going for anybody, so do give yourself credit, and rest, where credit and rest are due, because that’s what really matters, how we talk to and treat ourselves. That’s what I mean about not caring what others think, I suppose. It’s what we think of ourselves that really matters and being brave enough to admit it, even if it’s just to ourselves. Infact, it’s better when we keep it to ourselves. As Jesus said, god listens to those who pray in secret. And when you know, and god knows the truth, that’s all that really matters, and goodness flows naturally from there.
You can deduce that at the centre of your heart, is nothing but goodness, by looking at your outer situation. After some turbulence, your outer situation is now mirroring that inner well of goodness within you, despite the obsessive thoughts, worrying and fear etc. So you can rest in that goodness and let it gently bathe you in its rays of joy, as you look forward to more settled, but no less creative, times. I’m really pleased for you.
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Just pipped me to the post Tom.
it’s only easy if you know how!
That goes for most things in life,
It is if you think in terms of easy and hard ;)
Maybe it’s an autistic thing that we’re not very good at realising how what we’re saying or the way we’re acting can be interpreted by others. We think we’re coming across one way but the other person sees something completely different. That concept has certainly given me food for thought.
Bless you! I hope it was crying in a good way and not a bad way?
Thank you. I like to think of myself as being quite tenacious and mentally strong in as much as yes sometimes bad things happen but I keep going and get through it. I always know that no matter how bad things are there is light at the end of the tunnel. I have faith that I can get through even really emotionally difficult things because I already have faced and come through a lot so I know I have that coping ability there. I am a firm believer that God only sends us challenges that he knows we are strong enough to cope with, it might be rubbish for a while but we have the resources within us to get through it. Life is a journey and different things happen at different times for a reason. I can honestly look back at some of the difficult things that I have faced and not only completely understand why they had to happen but also understand how they’ve helped me to grow as a person and to know myself better.
I think it’s amazing that you can see your life as an adventure and not perceive that you have faced any challenges. Personally I see life as a roller coaster, shortly after my abi I coined the term “life is a rollercoaster, you just got to ride it” it’s from a Ronan keating song and it just, for me summed up my life, yes life has its ups and downs but I just have to ride them out
I think maybe it’s a woman thing, we can easily believe we are too fat but not so easily believe we are skinny.
Oh, it’s certainly a roller coaster at times for me too, at least it was for a good while following my diagnosis. And it has been at other times. But the way I see life, is, if I’m alive, it’s good. The only way it can’t be good is if I judge it to be so, and I don’t, because I simply can’t see anything as ‘bad’. What is ‘bad’? If I’ve got oxygen coming into my lungs, I’m good to go :)
But yeah. That’s what I was wondering. Do all autistic people think they’re coming across in one way, when to everybody else, they’re coming across in the complete opposite way?