I wasn’t going to post this, it was just my usual writing, it’s the way I process the world, but it ties in with some of the other discussions so I thought I’d post it, as it’s interested that I’ve seen this pattern and then somebody brought the subject up. It’s long, but I don’t want to start cutting bits out. It’s just my rambling or musing reallly, but parts of it may be of interest to some.
I've enjoyed some stimulating conversations on here recently. I've enjoyed binge reading posts and I've found out a few more things about myself. Most strongly, that we really do live in a world of our own and we simply cannot, because of the very nature of our 'condition' (for want of a better word), see things from somebody else's perspective.
This has been getting hammered home to me for a while. But what can I say? It takes me a while to really 'get' some things. In fact, most things, but not all things.
Anyway, it's been interesting. And because I think in patterns, a new pattern has emerged as I've been reading, interacting, and pondering.
The way we interact with the world, is essentially about one thing. Who we believe ourselves to be. Where we believe we came from. And a strong conviction of who we are, that surpasses all boundaries.
Ok, so that's three things! But the way in which we interact with each other, and the world at large, goes deeper than whether we are autistic or not.
This is all just what's becoming clear to me just now. It might be total mud to everybody else. It is to me, actually. There goes that word again. The word 'actually' is clearly the word of the moment right now, for me. I'm not even sure if I even know what it actually means!
Anyway, there is definitely an unspoken and invisible language that is shared amongst nt's, that autistics don't get.
And likewise, there's also an invisible unspoken language between autistics that nt's don't get.
But that's not the division.
There's a third language. Or rather, a universal language. That language is love.
That's all I have to say on that really.
Our access to love, is equal. It has no favourites. Everybody at any time, can choose love, over hate. When they do that. Love talks. Love talks through them. It’s an invisible language.
Of course, unless you speak that language, you won't understand it.
Autistic people really are closer to the language of love than they are to the nt language, but because they are often alone in the world, meaning they are often amongst people who are not like them ~ and when I say 'they', I include myself in that ~ and because of that, we somehow get caught up in trying to speak somebody else's language and holding that up as the ideal. As 'the' way to speak, interact and understand the world.
And in doing so, we use a lot of energy on something that brings us little gain. And further more, we lose confidence in ourselves. We actually loose sight of ourselves. It's as if, on one level, we begin to frame ourselves in their language, through their eyes, while something inside of us knows the truth but it can't quite make itself known.
This gets confusing. But those who shout the loudest, are the ones who get heard the most. And nt's tend to shout louder than autistics. Mainly due to the fact there are more of them, apparently! I don't know if that's true. I don't get out that much!
My life has changed, by being around other autistic people, and by not being around anybody else (nt’s) for a good period of time. Two years, or more probably. I have little idea about time. It actually hurts my head sometimes just thinking about time. It's like a terror on my back as well sometimes. Like now. I wish it would just stop for a while.
It's a complex thing and it's hard to say for sure, but I think that who we believe ourselves to be, at the core of our being, is the one defining factor that shapes our experiences in this world.
From what I can gather, from the 'what are we here for' thread, nobody on here shares my world view. That, is perfectly ok. I understand that now. And I'm not saying nobody doesn't, they might, it's just part of the pattern that I’m seeing.
Now that I know that I'm autistic. I realise that other people don't see the world like I do. Including some autistic people. But why?
I can relate to every autistic person I've ever met. But nobody, as far as I know, as I said, experiences the world like I do. Not completely. Or not that I’m currently aware of anyway. But that's not the major point.
What's the difference? This is a question I've been asking myself, for all of my life. What makes me so different?
I thought that when I got the diagnosis, I had all the answers. I soon felt like I simply wanted to die.
I went through a similar process as what a lot of other people have described. Highs and lows as the realisations come and then the horror of what that actually means hits. But still. There was something else. I was asking this same question again. What makes me so different? Because even though I've found this connection, understanding and identification with autistic people, I was still different, even from them, in some unknown to me way.
I have spent more than 50 years, barely having a clue what was going on in my life. The only thing I ever had to rely on, because I didn't trust human beings, was this little light inside of me.
It was always there. Guiding me. I'm not sure how but it was. Even when I had no connection to it at all because I was in such a dark place. I still knew it was there. There was no question of that.
Over the years, I came to call this thing, God. My father. Although it was unlike the god they seem to talk about in churches and the people there don't appear to be living according to god. So I got a bit confused along the way.
It's like Jesus said, know thy self and the truth will set you free. I knew myself spiritually but I didn't know who I was as a human being. So I couldn't really know who I was truly or wholly.
Getting the diagnosis changed everything. I all of a sudden knew who I was. Only, I didn't realise at first, that I was still autistic, no matter how much awareness I have!
Then I found out that I had little to no self awareness at all and I wanted to die all over again, because I found that out by gaining self awareness!!! The phrase ignorance is bliss comes to mind!
I had gained all this new self awareness and understanding, but what good was that to me? Why did I have to find that out? Now it was even too confusing to even contemplate having any kind of interaction at all, with anybody who wasn't autistic.
How on earth can I be aware of how I'm being in a situation unless I'm not really being me at all and I'm just observing me so I can somehow stop myself from doing those things that I do, such as being blunt. In other words, being me.
But despite how painful some of my new awarenesses were, I had to face them, all of them, because although I had spiritual awareness, I had no 'human being' awareness or self awareness. I had no anchor point. I thought I'd done a good job of working it all out, intellectually, when instead I had simply just built me a prison wall around me.
I can't even begin to describe how I experience the world. But it's fair to say. There used to be a universal language. Until the people were made to babble, in all different languages. And they could no longer understand each other.
I've moved around in many different groups. It's part of my pattern. And I've noticed that each group has its own language, and to get by in that group, you just have to learn the language.
Language is one of my special interests - I just imagined I'd be learning lots of foreign languages, not social group languages, although in a way, I guess that's what they are so I guess that's what I have been doing.
So there are all these languages, and groups inside groups and all sorts of languages going on. The invisible languages of nt's and autistics, are fascinating. They're very distinctive.
But there's one language, that everybody knows, whether they're intimately connected to it or not, or should I say, whether they're using it or not. And that's the language of love. That's the universal language.
It can be spoken and understood in many different forms with many different words, on many different levels and in many different situations. And if you know that you simply are love, you experience a very different world than if you think you're just an animal or something similar. And you're right at the source of where the language of love comes from, when you know that you are love.
Instead of using the word god, you could use the word love, or universal intelligence, universal spirit, source, faith, what ever you want to call it. It doesn't matter. We all experience that connection to something that feels true to us, in our own way, something bigger than our ideas of who we think we are. But if you know that you are one precious part of the whole, and that you were created, that there is a creator, of sorts, according to your understanding, and that you are also a creator, then the world is a very different place indeed. The difference is very distinctive.
You know you're in it (the whole, that is) because the language it speaks, surpasses all other languages in that it's universal, and is spoken through any other languages you might speak as well. Everybody can speak it. If they choose too.
The funny thing is, it's still like other languages. It still takes patience and understanding, as well as practice etc etc. But it's where it's coming from that speaks the loudest.
I know now why the Buddha is often seen laughing. I think that's the joke. There is only now, that really exists. So where do you think you're going?
You probably won't understand any of this, if you've even got this far. I don't even know what I've said really, I'll read it back.
But I do know there's a universal language of love. It comes in all shapes and sizes and uses probably all the words in a dictionary and those that aren't in there! It speaks all languages, such as English and French etc etc. As well as speaking the languages of all the different little social groups. It's often even disguised as hate. But hate doesn't feel good. Love does.
And love doesn't involve another single person. It's felt inside of you. It's felt in all kinds of ways, including as rage sometimes.
It's honest. If we choose to listen to it. And if we trust it, above all else, above anything in the physical world, including all the man made laws, etc etc, then life is truly spectacular. It really is. Because you’re the creator, you can create your world in any way you want it to be. You need only know the rules. The principles, and they’re the same for everybody. At all times and in all places.
It might take some time. To achieve your goals. Which might require patience. But couldn't the world use a little more patience? It starts with us. How patient are we?
Who do you rely on?
What do you rely on?
Your sense of logic? Your judgement? Your views?
They're just like everybody else's and there's millions of them. All speaking different languages and nobody can understand each other.
But there's something bigger than all of us, here at play. And it's that which we can rely on. And even if we don't know it personally, in a way that we might know another person, because it's not, a person. It works through principles that are so exact and precise, that you can rely on them. Completely. And you can learn them, relatively easily, it just takes practice and patience, like anything else.
You simply need to re-learn that lost language of love and begin to speak from your heart.
If I can do it as an autistic person, anybody can, because I'm very very autistic. At present, I'm entertaining the vision of me as the village idiot. It's an old one and it's always been a favourite of mine, so I'm ok with that. It really doesn't matter what somebody else thinks or feels about me, you, or anything or anybody else. It matters only what you think and feel about yourself and when you put your focus there, and honour yourself, you can achieve your goals. You can live a life that's most suited to you. A life that’s extraordinary and spectacular, according to you, whatever that might be. Most of us don’t want much and we’re often easily pleased. I know I am.
As so called 'high functioning' autistics ~ and none of us really knows what that means ~ we often only need a little bit of support, but it can make a huge huge difference. I've always said, give me an inch and I'll give you a mile. I need that inch, due to my autism. But it's what I do with that inch that counts.
I've been wondering in what direction my work might take me. I've been having some wonderful and inspiring thoughts. All of them sound fabulous, so I am open to whatever moves me.
And I think I may, or may not, have got a clearer vision of where I'm going.
I mostly never know from day to day where I'm going in life. But I learned something from nt's, and that is, that it's good to have goals. To have at least some idea of your destination. For a long time, I couldn't for the life of me think why I would do such a thing as to have a goal! I thought it was a preposterous idea.
I thought the idea to be utterly diabolical and totally ridiculous, vulgar and not something I would ever, ever do. Why would I? I live in the moment? Don't you? What's wrong with you? ~ they weren't my conscious thoughts, because I didn't know I lived in the moment because I didn't not live in the moment and due to my autism, I really did think everyone saw the world like me and if it didn't appear that way, by their words or actions, then I simply thought they were being argumentative or hateful or something, for some weird reason unbeknown to me. I didn't think it was because they didn't actually see the world like I do.
But I learned my lesson, goal setting is good. But I only realised this after I got my diagnosis.
This year will be the first year of my life that I've actually got goals for the year. And I've got five of them. Called my five most precious goals for 2019 and each one has got its own, really inspiring and truly fabulous name. I've had a few fake goals in the past. But nothing like what I have now.
My next year or rather this year, isn't about work work. I'm in preparation mode. I'm laying down a solid foundation.
But that doesn't stop ideas coming to me, and this is one of them ~ because I understand autistic people, by way of being autistic, and because my work is effective for everybody, no matter who they are ~ working with autistic people would make me uniquely qualified for the job of being a metaphysician to autistic people.
These are just ideas and thoughts that I'm throwing out there, as they say, as they come to me. I've been kind of tired for several days or maybe longer. I have no real idea really. I have little idea about time or how tired I am. But I think I do feel tired right now, because my mind feels a bit wobbly.
I've been enjoying sleeping when I'm tired and eating when I'm hungry etc, etc, whist I've been in this burnout, but it's not an effective long term strategy, to sleep and eat when I want etc etc. I've built up some strength and energy over the past year, and now it's time to begin, slowly, gently and tentatively (I have no idea what that word even means, I just like the sound of it) to build up a daily routine. A daily routine is actually pretty vital to me if I want to do anything beyond get out of bed, get into bed. Which is all well and good but I have work to do.
Tomorrow is the first day of mission five goals for 2019. I like the idea of having a routine again, but this time, it's built around me. Of course! I'm autistic!
I am very good at my job. I'm just not sure if autistic people want to live a great life (whatever that means to them) according to their needs. We have very unique needs, but they're no different to other people's really, we just need the same things but in different ways. And when we live according to universal laws (which sounds complicated, but it isn't) we see that there are no barriers in life. Other than those we put up inside of ourselves.
Love really does conquer all and according to the pattern I'm seeing, it appears to me, that the one defining factor between all of us, is, who do we think we are? Where did we come from?
I know many people aren’t interested in such questions, I know my sister isn’t. But it’s the only thing that I can see that separates me from others and the one thing that makes me happy in the way that I am and leaves others falling short of such happiness. It’s not that they haven’t got it. They have. We all have equal amounts of happiness and love. It’s just that the thoughts we believe separate us from our happiness. But only while we’re believing them. We might be known for our rigid thinking patterns but I’m proof that we can penetrate and change them.
Anyway, that’s that and this is my life ~ pattern making ️
I guess I’m not the only one who knows about this universal language. This guy calls it the language of the heart. This just popped up on YouTube and I don’t know why, but something made me open it and I’m glad I did. He talks about the same language but maybe he explains it better than me. I’m just watching another of his videos now (it was the next one) called ‘know yourself’! Lol!
I think I might not understand love.
When I was young and fell in love I used to feel happiness but it was really all about me (that feeling) I loved someone and I was loved by someone and was happy. It didn’t feel any deeper than that.
Now I’m a mother and I love my kids differently. It’s animal maternal instinct. Like animals protect their young I am ready to sacrifice my life for them. My life, my dreams, everything.
But that love hurts. Not because of sacrifices but because I feel responsible for them, try to protect them. And I can’t. We are all fragile. And it scares me. Because seeing them hurt feels worse than being hurt myself.
Is that love?
I don’t really like interacting with humans. But I can’t bear seeing them hurt. I can’t watch violence, I can’t read about violence.
I want to protect them and comfort them somehow, without interacting with them.
Because I am not good at comforting them. I am not good at using words. And people need words. But their feelings upset me. Their pain, their fear, their hate and their love.
Sometimes I think of all of them at the same time. Some are scared right now. Some are happy. Some are abused. Some are dying. Some are being born. Greeted with joy or greeted with hate.
And thee are animals too. And plants.
And they all are beautiful and worthy.
So many things are happening in each moment. So many are intertwined. So many things are linked to the past and future.
It’s painful to think (feel) about it.
I feel kind of vastness inside. Not emptiness. It’s more like a whole universe.
It’s kind of sad and beautiful at the same time. It overwhelms me and feels me with some sort of sad happiness and I cry.
Sad beauty. Like music sometimes. Or something I’ve seen.
It carves into my soul and makes me cry, half happy and half sad.
I sometimes think it’s love but it might be something completely different.
Because love should make me just happy, right?