Published on 12, July, 2020
I was just scrolling through and reading some of the older posts on here when I began to realise that even though I love reading, when I come on here and read posts, it's so much more than just reading.
I was off the forum for several months, mostly while I was having intensive one to one autism support. And even though I missed the people on here, I didn't realise just how important coming on here is to me.
It's like I get that feedback, that I think nt's get on a daily basis. It doesn't come from somebody agreeing with you or you with agreeing with them. It's more like a deeper sense of identification and I think it's a necessary part of our human make up, whether we're nt or nd. We're social creatures but a tiger, for example, isn't going to do as well with a group of sheep as he is with a group of tigers.
My friends at my autism group are so different to me in every single way, apart from having autism, yet we get on so well. There are none of the arguments that happen when I'm with nt's. You know how I talk on here ~ few can understand me ~ well I talk like that with them also (because this is how I talk!) and it doesn't cause arguments and even though they haven't got a clue what I'm talking about, it doesn't matter, the conversations continue. It's like there's a deeper level of understanding, that surpasses what we say. Our conversations are so random and I've said it before, they're also almost childlike, but they feel real and natural and enjoyable. More so than even when I'm talking about my special subject, because that's really just me talking.
It's like when I communicate with nt's, it's almost like I want to treat them like my teddies. I want to line them up and have them simply listen to me and when I've finished, I just want to put them away again. But when I'm with my autistic friends, it's different. I'm actually learning about them and getting to know them. I'm actually doing that thing they call 'building friendships'.
I feel so honoured that one of my friends (I sit with 3 guys) who has been going to the group way longer than me and lives in the area where the group is, and they all know each other anyway, has opened up to me in a way that he hasn't to anybody else. He always gets images in his head that make him laugh, but he never tells anybody what he's laughing about. He always says nothing. But he's started telling me. In fact, I now know when he wants to tell me. I can tell from his facial expressions and body language (I've never been able to do this before!) that he wants to tell me, so I ask him, and he doesn't hesitate, he gets right in there and tells me straight away. This means that I am able to successfully read his body language.
I also learn a lot from my autistic friends because even though I'm older than them (in years on this planet), they've all been autistic longer than me, meaning they've had their diagnosis longer, so they have a lot to teach me.
Financially, there's a huge gap between them and me but that doesn't even come into it. It doesn't matter that we don't share the same interests or have any similarities in our life styles because we get on regardless of all those outer, superficial things.
I guess if I ever have doubts about being autistic (even though I have an official diagnosis), I should just look around at who I am most comfortable being around. Even my 'deficiencies' i.e. my inability to read body language, is not true when I'm with autistic people. Ok this is only one time when I've been good at reading body language but I did do it.
I guess we're all just like animals really. We are most comfortable in our own pack. The difference is, human beings have something animals don't have, even though most humans don't make use of this faculty at this current time in our history, and even different kinds of animals live peacefully side by side.
Anyway, my point was (before I go off on a tangent, whatever a tangent is!) ~ would an nt person even suspect they're autistic (if they're not), and if they did, would they obsess about it as much as many of us did and still do sometimes and would they relate to us as well as we relate to each other and would they feel like they had found home, their people, their tribe, their pack, if they weren't?
Hey, so I would say it would depend on the person, if they are tending towards introspection, their view on autism, the exposure they have to autism as a concept, correct interpretations or not to have it be brought to mind.
For myself. Autism since I learned of it has stayed somewhere in the back of my mind, experiencing a general sense of separation from "normal" people, that particularly brings it to mind. But I do not think that us exclusive to people who are autistic any deemed "strange" by society in general know that feeling well. People with strange hobbies, not interested in football pop music reality tv etc. I think they can experience this sense of separation being misunderstood. I think this is what tends people towards wondering, trying to understand why they are different and why the world at large seems to exclude them.
School made me wonder, working in a bar and admin made me wonder. Working in a lab environment with "weirdos" and joining hobbies with "weirdos" people just not as intent on being "normal" and this feeling fades. I had done tests out if idle curiosity got results suggesting more traits than NT but didn't really worry about it. I was happy being weird. Until I went through a lot NT or otherwise and had a breakdown/PTSD/autisticautistic meltdown still unsure of the term to use, all have been applied (about a year ago). I was told over and over that there was something wrong with me, by people I had cared about, then I began to obsess. It's still there a bit, I still don't have the answer no formal diagnosis. Unable to get doctors to listen, gave up trying for a while, new councillor suggested and I think was right that it was good for me to put that down for a while. I suspect I may fall a little short of the criteria for a full diagnosis as that test suggested. So if I am indeed NT then that's a yes your original question ha ha
It sounds like you could be (to me), lol, but probably because I don’t think an nt person would obsess or think about it so widely like this. And also because of how your mind works. For example, you can see how somebody who has an unusual hobby or who is in the minority for some other reason, might feel in some ways excluded like an autistic person might but it doesn’t mean they’re autistic.
I think there’s a deep sense of not trusting ourselves, in autistic people, which would make us question our selves and the idea that we could be autistic. Whereas I think an nt person might be more inclined to trust their instinct and be less likely to think about it so much. But I probably think like that because I don’t see nt people obsessing over things as much.
I’m not even sure what I’m saying anymore! Lol! I’ve been to a work capacity assessment this morning and I’m still strung out by it. But I love your answer. I’m going to keep pondering it some more. I think I’m thinking about it since I tried the Ritalin because now I’m thinking what if I’m not autistic, what if it’s just ADHD. Which is a totally stupid thing to obsess over because who cares, I am what I am, why am I even thinking about this??? Lol! So I was thinking, do nt people obsess about who they think they are so much!
I’m a little out of sorts anyways at present because of this assessment thing and my mind does tend to go into the repetitive thinking pattern when I’m under stress. So I better leave it at that. Thanks for your answer though and also, I didn’t think I met the criteria for autism but my psychiatrist said they’re looking for totally different things than what are in those online tests. I had said something and he said, for example, what you just said, an nt person wouldn’t say that, it’s totally autistic! And I’m only just realising how much I use my intelligence to mask the so called deficits which make them almost invisible even to me. I really want to know now if you are or aren’t! Lol! Thanks anyway :)