Published on 12, July, 2020
One of the things I hate about being autistic is not always seeing when I am being manipulated by another person.
I am not usually in favour of the 'us and them' type debates when it comes to NTs and ND, but does anyone else get sick and tired of NTs being hypocritical or manipulating situations or persons to save their own skin or create an advantage for themselves?
Being older means I am now wiser to most tricks, but I still miss when those close to me are trying to pull the wool over my eyes, probably because I trust them more and let my guard down a little.
The same can be said when it comes to exploiting vulnerabilities and weaknesses. I can run out of fingers counting the number of incidents where family have been completely hypocritical over the festive period and I don't think they even do it intentionally, they just can't help themselves! I can't imagine what it must be like to live like this, to feel you have to twist every situation to your advantage. I once had an internal debate around masking and whether that classed as manipulation as I was fraught with the ethics attached to it. I came to the conclusion that although it was technically dishonest in relation to who I was, it was also done in self-defense to help me keep my head down and out of the way of those that like to exploit. But could the same be said of NTs? Do they see their actions as a form of self-preservation, but to the extent that the end game is to be in a better position than where they started?
If that is the case are we merely as bad as one another, where only our perception of the what is right and wrong with the components of deception, actually differ? We mask to survive, so our end game is to be in a safe and comfortable situation (no threats), whereas for NTs it might be to get a promotion in a job, gain respect from others etc.
I would like to think my intentions around masking are innocent and only done to survive in a world that demands it - it is never done with the intention to hurt others. But could NTs also be doing the same, they mask and manipulate because the same world demands it - it's the intentions and damage caused from said actions I struggle to understand. Are they always aware the consequences of their actions, or do they go about this intuitively without thought? This is something that has been buzzing round my head for most of the day.
In answer to your first question (paragraph 2), my answer is no, I don't get sick and tired of nt's for being hypocritical and manipulative etc.
For a start, in the way I view or experience the world, it's not possible for anybody to manipulate me and it's none of my business if somebody is being hypocritical, so I'm not going to allow myself to feel annoyance or anger over something which isn't my business.
If somebody uses manipulation tactics on me, I see it as simply a way in which they are cheating and fooling themselves. And if their tactics work on me then it is a lesson for me to learn; to learn to stand strong myself in the face of adversity and not to give away anything I don't want to give away.
If I have to manipulate somebody to get my own way, it tells me that I have no faith in what I'm trying to achieve and it's probably not wholesome, loving and pure. In which case, I have no business being involved in it. I would question my motives.
Likewise therefore, because I see the world through my eyes, I see that the person using those tactics is simply harming themselves, not me, and if I can help them, I will. I won't judge them, because who am I to judge? Besides which, I have used manipulation tactics many times in my life, as a form of survival or self defence because I didn't know what else to do. And to be honest, I don't think I've ever met a person who hasn't been manipulative at some point in their lives. And if we spot it, we have definitely got it, otherwise we could never spot it in the first place. Manipulation might not be a great tactic to employ, but sometimes, through lack of awareness or whatever, it's the best we've got.
Instead of getting angry at people who employ these tactics, which as you said, must be soul destroying to live that way, you could pray for them. It's not a religious type prayer. They taught me this in AA and it works every time. Sometimes it takes longer to work than others, but sometimes it's instant.
You simply ask, or hope and pray, that they receive in life, everything you want for yourself and more. Pray that they may find peace in their hearts and minds, faith in what they're trying to achieve and happiness, love and joy in their lives.
I know when I've used those tactics, I haven't been in a good place, either mentally or in my heart. So I try to remember to have compassion for people using those tactics and the prayer really helps with that. I sometimes use other tools, such as radical forgiveness, and sometimes it takes weeks to resolve the conflict within me, but I don't give in because I know there is no value in me suffering for somebody else's suffering.
The world is but a reflection of who we are. That's something else I learned in AA. They taught me that when we have one finger pointing outwards at someone else or something else, there is always three pointing back. And they told me. If I want to know what the problem is, I need only to look in the mirror.
I don't think I am bad for using manipulation tactics. It was the best I could do at the time. It was self preservation. Likewise, I don't think anybody else is bad for using such tactics either. Like me, they're doing their best to survive also, with their own reasons.
We all act differently in different situations. Sometimes we know what we're doing and sometimes we seem to act intuitively, or maybe blindly!
But if we feel anger or any other emotion, then the feeling is always within us, therefore the solution is also within us. We can't control how others act or react and often times we can't control our first thoughts. But we can learn to pause and reflect and see what's really going on here.
And are people really hypocrites anyway? Don't we a have blinkered vision? That's why it's good to talk, and listen, and it's listening I need to do more of! Lol!
Great question. Thanks.
How is it not possible for anybody to manipulate you, BlueRay? How have you developed an ability to see through lies, deceit, manipulation?
And what if, say, a Christian starts coming out with 'Homosexuality is an abomination against God, and homosexuals should be stoned to death'? Does that not annoy you? Is it really none of your business?
Ok, I'll try and explain my weird mind and the weird way I experience the world as best I can. Let's say for example, you thought you were nice and slim and you felt that being slim was important to you. If somebody came up to you and called you fat, it wouldn't bother you because you thought you were slim.
If, however, you thought you were fat, while still holding the belief that it's important to you to be slim and the same person called you fat. You'd likely be offended. Not because they thought you were fat because you thought you were fat and they simply brought it to your attention. They didn't insult you. You became aware of your own judgemental and unfavourable beliefs about yourself.
Sorry, we're talking about how it's not possible for someone to manipulate me. So, let's say, somebody wants me to go to the pictures with them and I don't want to go. The person might use manipulation to get me to go. If they work, they have simply highlighted to me, that I lost sight of what I wanted and in doing so, I put somebody else's needs before mine, before even taking the time to consider the situation.
The person may have used manipulation tactics which may have worked, but to me, I don't see that as manipulation at all. I see it as a sign for me to look at why I did something I didn't want to do. Why didn't I take some time to consider the situation or why didn't I just say no?
So if I don't think that I've been manipulated, have I been? Also, the manipulator may not have thought they were manipulating me. They may have genuinely thought they were doing me a favour. So who is it that is saying it's manipulation? Yes, it is one way of looking at it but there are many other ways to look at it also which could be equally valid.
I'm not sure that I have the ability to see through lies, deceit or manipulation. It's more that I seek the truth and if it appeared that I had been manipulated, and I could find no alternative explanation, then I would have to ask myself, could I say, without any shadow of a doubt, that that person, purposefully and thoughtfully, manipulated me for their own benefit? Can I honestly say that, that's the truth and nothing but the truth? And even then, if I could say yes, what does it matter anyway? I'm not a judge, nor am I a jury and as I said, I'm quite sure they were acting out of some kind of desperation or self preservation or whatever. I've done it so I won't judge another for doing it to me or anybody else. And even if I had never done it, I'm still not without sin so I can't pass such a judgement on somebody. And there's always more to a story. There is never just one view point.
And if a Christian came out with 'Homosexuality is an abomination against God, and homosexuals should be stoned to death'? ~ no, I most definitely would not let that annoy me. When I'm annoyed, I can't think clearly or act clearly, I act and think from a place of annoyance, which rarely turns out well, so if I were to feel any annoyance, I would deal with that first, and then maybe try and talk to the person.
I would first of all though, hear them. I mean really hear them. If they said that about homosexuals I would want them to feel comfortable about talking about it. If they feel judged or threatened in any way, they will fight tooth and nail to defend their beliefs, instead of engaging in a non threatening conversation about it.
Often you find that people are simply carrying on a belief they adopted from their parents or somebody else they looked up to. And they've often never had the opportunity to actually explore it. They have either been met by people who agree with them or people who are against them. So they may have defended their belief, in anger, triggered by somebody else's anger who didn't agree with them. But often times, people let go of such a belief, after they have looked into it and they often feel foolish for ever thinking it in the first place. And I've rarely seen an angry person change another person's beliefs by judging them and being angry towards them.
And no, it's none of my business what somebody else thinks or believes. I'll leave that to the thought police or the people who think we all need to believe the same things. I have a full time job looking into my own beliefs and thoughts, and getting them right. I don't see how me judging another person and getting annoyed, helps me, them or anybody else, so I don't bother ~ or I at least work towards finding out where my anger is coming from.
No, not at all. What I'm trying to say, is that there is always more than one point of view. I see and experience the world very differently to most people, therefore, when I'm aware of somebody's behaviour, you can pretty much guarantee that I'm not going to see it in the same way most other people will ~ because I see the world differently. Not because I've got different opinions or beliefs or whatever, it's just the way I genuinely see the world, which is always, or nearly always, different from the way other people do.
If somebody is doing something that the majority of the population say is manipulation, like I said, you can pretty much guarantee I won't see if like that because I see and experience the world differently to most people. I rarely even see a person's face or what colour hair they have etc, which can be a bit of a bother if I let it as I often don't recognise people I know.
It could be that instead of seeing manipulation, I see a frightened person. They might be carrying a huge amount of emotion around loss with them and maybe they see their partner slipping through their fingers. What they are thinking might not be true but it's true to them based on an old but very alive and active wound. So that person might do something that appears to most people to be 'manipulative' but that is only one single view point. Maybe the person is dying inside, thinking they're going to be left all alone, again. I don't know. I see different things in different people of course but rarely do I label a person's actions as simply 'manipulation' because I usually see something very different. It's like I read or communicate on an energetic level rather than a physical and that's probably why I don't see what other people see.
I can't help how I see things. I've never seen things the same way as other people, even as a little kid.
And the prayer isn't anything to do with religion or 'god' it's more about changing my mind set from a rigid one sided view, to seeing them more as a person. It's a way of making me humble so I don't harden my heart and judge people. Whether a person is guilty or not, it's not my job to judge them and sentence them to some punishment, such as labelling them a manipulator.