That time of year...

Your Christmas sounds lovely. It is liberating to step away from the social pressures and family game playing and find pleasure in the simple, gentle things.

Toys as presents is an inspired idea! Previously I would just have bought them for children and 'tested' them before giving them away. This year I will embrace my desire to have toys of my own to play with. 

I love the concept of Christmas but I hate the commercialised, politicisied version we have today. The money that is expected to be spent, the presents people expect, the impact upon your sanity with people demanding your attendance - or else you won't get their presents.

My dad died suddenly 20 years ago and my narcissistic sister & my controlling mum became a symbiotic manipulation & hate machine with their spotlight on me (I was unfortunate enough to be the only available target and I look very like my dad).

They tried to control Christmas every year by my mum staying at my sisters so we had to visit and put up with whatever crap they decided.

We simply said no and became 'difficult' so as more pressure was applied, it ened up in a family split - my mum didn't speak to us for over 3 years.

They then chose to inflict themselves on my brother, (he lives a few hundred miles away) forcing themselves on him & his wife for the Christmas period, bullying his wife until she was in tears. Nice.

It was around that period that I got diagnosed as Aspie so my self-understanding increased so we decided that I wasn't going to get pushed around by them anymore. Standing up to the bullies made the abuse worse for a short time until they figured out the game had changed.

We have our own family Christmas, the way we want it. Normally just the three of us. We have a very gentle Christmas, no stress, no hassle, lots of toys & food. We do 'family' on boxing day - if they've been good.

I've been reading a lot about narcissistic colleagues and managers in the workplace. It's incredibly difficult not to react to what they do. Some of it is very subtle as you well know. It's good more of your colleagues seem to be catching on. 

It was weird today, by chance I ended up talking to someone who knew lots about this. I'm torn because one of my jobs has a narcissistic boss - not sure I can bring myself to do what I need to so she leaves me in peace. It would go against my sense of integrity to flatter her, ingratiate myself, let her take the credit for my work. Like you I get on very well with the service users in that workplace so giving up the job is a tough call too. 

At least this year I have a good reason not to go to the xmas work lunch. It was hellish last year. Incredibly stressful and the food wasn't very good either. I also got in a proper muddle about giving or not giving people xmas cards. 

Stay strong! You've got lots of allies here too! 

Well said, Trainspotter.  I'd really like to call a truce with my brother.  But he's too far gone with his wife and her family.  And she's a narcissist.  So it would be very difficult.  I get traumatised just thinking about her.  I never want to see her again.

I certainly don't think that anyone should try to 'conform' to expectations over any particular festival. I think I only sent three cards last year and got three back.  And with postage the cost it is, I think there is a lot fewer Christmas cards being sent.   Certainly I wonder why anyone should give a card or present to a work colleague whom they see every day and are glad to see the back of in the evening.  And 'Secret Santa' is something I just can't be doing with.

With todays multi-faith, diverse population with different beliefs and customs, it is surely not unacceptable for someone to say they do not wish to join in and they will celebrate or otherwise as they see fit.  I remember seeing a talk by a hill-walker years ago who went camping in the Lake District on Christmas day, and he showed pictures of his Christmas day - the site was full of tents in the snow!  Might not be everyone's cup of tea, but what concern is it really of anyone else?  And about ten years ago I thought I would go to Dovedale on Christmas day.  The car park was packed out.  So there are people who do not celebrate Christmas in a conventional way.

Unknown said:

I personally think the point of a card or gift is to show someone that you care about them. If you don't care about them then what is the point of the card or gift

Myself I also only get gifts for my children, my brother, sister and mother.  And I would really like to call a truce to them as well and I think we are close to agreeing terms!

I have a flat overflowing with presents from years past that I have not used or not opened.  And I feel that just giving a present that someone doesn't want in return for one that I don't want only really benefits businesses.  I certainly do not think anyone should get into debt over Christmas.  And if their reasons for giving a present are that they want to show appreciation, let them, I don't think presents should ever be given in expectation of something in return, that in my opinion is the worst possible motive.  If that is the motive, they will soon stop if you don't return the complement.

The best present I could ever have from my children is a bit of time with them.  And that is something to be treasured far more than some frippery.  And in my heart I wish other people would think the same.

Thanks.  I've pretty much done that.  I'm trying to disregard consequences now.  I've decided to send cards and state that I'm donating 'gift' money to charity.  Then they can do with that information whatever they like.  If I send them gifts, it suggests trying to maintain (or re-establish) a connection that I no longer want.

I hate decisions like this and they end up affecting my thoughts the entire day...

So I feel for you.

I think there are only two options: either you go all in and send everyone cards and (small) gifts, or you send nothing.

A friend of mine did an NLP course and a trick she told me about might help you. You stand in a quiet place - your room - and concentrate on the situation. Say you have the two options above, you imagine situation no. 1 and take a step forward. Then you concentrate on that situation and you try to feel what it would do to you. Then you step back and realise you are in the present. Then do the same for situation no. 2 and see how that makes you feel.

For both situations you can step forward left and right to create a clearer difference.

It is quite neat for makig decisions that you get all tangled up in. Maybe it works for you.

I must say usually I just analyse situations and see what the consequences might be.

That's what I told everyone I was doing last year, Sunflower - making donations to charities that mum liked.  I still think it was frowned upon, but I didn't care.  That's a good idea.  I may actually do that for a local homeless or animal charity.

This Christmas Day, I'm planning the same as for last year.  Me, my cat.... and that's that!

If people are close, I think that's a different matter.  But I'm not close to anyone at all now.  The most important human beings in my life are the service users at work.  One of them has written me 3 notes in the last week to say she likes working with me and misses me when I'm on leave.  It's lovely!

Meanwhile, the narcissistic bully 'colleague' continues her campaign against me.  The only consolation I have is that several other staff members have turned against her.

The combination of difficult family relationships and confusing conventions around card and present giving have always been incredibly difficult for me. 

I don't know what I would do in your situation. One year I made a donation to Lend With Care and everyone got a card saying what I'd done and giving them information about the projects Lend With Care supports. Some people weren't very impressed! 

Apart from enforced company and jollity this is the aspect of Christmas I dread the most!