Last year, after mum passed away, I told my brother that I wanted nothing to do with Christmas. I'd never missed a Christmas Day with her, even though we'd lived apart for 25 years. For the final 15 years of her life it was just the two of us on Christmas Day. My brother always did things with his wife's family, who had really always been the focus of his attention since they married in 1984. My decision last year was as much about my sister-in-law as anything. Having put up with her narcissistic behaviour for all of those years, I decided that mum's passing was the time for me to break ties completely - for the good of my own health and sanity. Her bullying behaviour had continued throughout the time I was caring for mum. She even picked a fight with my brother's natural daughter on the day of the funeral - much against mum's express wishes for 'no squabbles'. Anyway... I'd told my brother that 'no Christmas' meant I wouldn't be sending cards or buying gifts. (We usually only gave token things at Christmas, anyway - and quite often, because neither he nor any of the rest of the family really 'knew' me, I would get stuff that would end up in the charity shops in January. To me, the whole thing seemed such a waste. Apart from the gifts I used to receive from mum, the other things had no real thought behind them. It was just giving something for the sake of it. Whereas I always used to spend a lot of time trying to choose something really appropriate for others.) He didn't agree with my wishes, though - and insisted "You can do that if you like, as long as you respect our wish to carry on Christmas in the normal way." Which meant he actually went against my wishes and sent me a card and a gift. He made the excuse "We'd already bought the gifts in October." But I'd told him of my wishes after the funeral, in May.
Anyway... that time is almost on us again. And I don't know what to do. I had a birthday card from my brother, and I sent one each to him and to his wife. But I've had no other contact with either of them at all. In fact, I've only seen my brother once since mum's birthday last year (November 21st - next week - I've taken the day off). We all really might as well not exist to one another. I thought I would send cards this year to all family. But I won't send one to my brother's step-daughter, because - like her mother - her behaviour towards me was rude, arrogant and bullying, and she even started an argument over one of mum's carers on the night she passed away. I want nothing at all to do with her any more. Thing is... if I miss her out, it will register, and things will be said. It could create a backlash. The same with gifts. I just don't feel like doing it - except for mum's great-grandchildren. And they have everything, and more, so it'll probably be just gift tokens for them to spend as they wish.
It all seems trivial, but it isn't. It's causing me a lot of grief. It's that 'people-pleaser' thing. I don't want to let anyone down - at the same time, I end up letting myself down.
Maybe I should just say 'no' to the whole thing again, and hang what they all think!
I hate my head at times like this.
