That time of year...

I suppose my real fear is that by keeping open a channel, I'm also keeping open the possibility that she'll exploit it to get back at me in some way.   After mum passed, I used to communicate with him by text.  He could never understand my preference for written communication, and doesn't understand that I find phone conversations difficult.  Anyway... one day I got a text from an unknown number.  It was him, saying he was using his wife's phone because he'd lost his.  So that means that any text responses would go through her first.

I'm going to email him today - just as it's mum's birthday on Wednesday, and to see if he's okay and tell him about my Christmas plans.  But again - it's a joint email address, so they'll both see it.  Even if I wrote him a letter, he'd probably show it to her anyway. 

Out-laws are always difficult - and controlling wives are the worst. I see my brother once a year - he is so totally different to the guy I grew up with that I hardly recognise him. his wife is nuts. 

My narcissistic sister has no interest in the plight of others - she's out for no.1 only. Her husband is a selfish POS.

My wife's family are all sheep, controlled by the horrible matriarchal oldies who excommunicate anyone who steps out of line. We've been excommunicated because of the lies of my mother in law 4 years ago. That's fine by us. If that's how they work, they all deserve each other.

We send cards. We don't waste money on expensive cards - one from the box of twenty is all that is needed.

My only real desire is that they don't decide to come and visit and spoil my family's day.

Thanks again both.

I will send those cards, and keep it up, as you say.

It's all so awkward.  I mean, my brother only lives ten minutes away.  But he might as well be in another galaxy with the emotional distance.  His wife and her daughter between them have done so much damage over the years.  And he's completely closed up about the autism thing.  Shows no understanding, or any desire to try.  He never mentions it - and if I bring it up, he changes the subject, or 'normalises' it.  I believe he feels it's a stain on the family.  His wife just seems to lump it all in generally with 'mental health', which she has no time for.  She's one of these 'you just need to buck up and count your blessings, we all get down days' types.  Her passive-aggressive behaviour and manipulations can often be very subtle.  She's said things to me like 'If I worked in your job and people misbehaved, I'd slap them.'  She has always taken issue with anything that I'm passionate about: animal welfare, environmental issues.  I almost think it's deliberate.  I once mentioned Chris Packham as a positive ambassador for ASC issues.  "I can't stand him!"  she said.  End of subject.  As with those other things.  "I disagree with it."  For no other reason than that she disagrees with it!  She never elaborates or explains.  She and the daughter both squabbled with my natural niece on the day of mum's funeral - much against mum's express wishes for the day.  You can't win against people like that.  You'll never persuade them or reason with them.

And, as I say, they have my brother in their grip.  He's changed so much.  He's turned against his own family.  But that's his particular bed that he has to lie on.  I want to keep a channel open with him, and will.  But I'm sure her influence will always sway his mind.

I disagree - you send the card every year. If you don't get one from them, you carry on sending cards - be the bigger person.

Not getting a card can be down to all sort of reasons - most are accidental - lost in the post etc.

After a couple of years of them getting cards and not sending one to you makes them look petty and small. Being the bigger person shows you can take the heat and emotion out of family ties.

The words you put inside need not have any deep value - it's the fact you are doing it.

You are just still talking about cheap cards and a few stamps. You spend more than that on a coffee.

No problem. I know what it feels like. Those darn flies and elephants things

Think of it as a trial year. You get no card in return? Then don't send one next year, or keep on sending one just to bug them

Yes.  Thanks.  My head is just so frazzled - with mum's birthday coming up, with work issues, with all this stuff - that I'm just getting myself into a state for nothing.  You're right - both of you.  Thanks for listening and understanding.

Try to remember to put "I hope you all have a lovely Christmas" rather than "I hope you all die in a ball of fire"

Martian Tom since the step-daughter seems to be the big issue, can't you send a card to your brother's family as a whole? 'Family x (brother's last name)'

I agree with Plasticthat it is only a card and a stamp, but the feeling behind it isn't so simple ofcourse.

Or if you really want to send everyone a separate card, can't you send that girl a boring Christmas card and the obligatory text. And just take your losses.

Yeah, you're right.  I'll bite the bullet on it.

We send cards to all the people that matter - and to those who should matter. Family disagreements come & go so keeping a line of dialogue open (no matter how much it currently sticks in the throat) is sensible in case things change in future. They can be petty and childish but we rise above it and think of the long-term possiblities.

When you boil it down, you're stressing over the cost of a cheap card & a stamp. In the bigger scheme of things, it's no biggie.

I haven't used Lego for years, but I always loved it as a kid - and I know I'd use it if I had some.  I wouldn't want all the complicated stuff and figures it has now, though.  Just the standard bricks, of different sizes.

Christmas for me - as a child and as an adult - has always been about being with the people I cared most about: my parents.  With neither of them here any longer, it has become meaningless.  My brother has married into his wife's family and his entire focus is on them.  He no longer has a relationship with his natural son and daughter (from his first marriage), but his step-daughter (a narc, like her mother) gets all the praise and attention.  If I'm honest, I think my brother feels eaten up inside over these issues.  He's been successfully Stockholmed by his wife and her family over these 30-odd years, and I think he's probably traumatised by it all without even realising.  He isn't a strong man, and needs someone to drive him - which she does.  But unfortunately, her driving force is negative.  And he, of course, can't see it.

The thing is, I want to send cards to certain family members that I don't see now - cousins, aunts, uncles - but if I send cards to them and not to him, he'll see it as a snub.  If I send one to him, too - just for appearances - I certainly won't be sending one to his step-daughter (I detest her, and she really upset me over the whole thing with mum).  But again, that'll be seen as a snub.  It's a difficult thing to play. 

I know what mum would do, because mum just wanted everyone to be happy.  She used to go along with so much because of my sister-in-law.  I can still hear her saying now "I dont say anything because I don't want to upset anyone.  I want us all to get along."  Even though a lot of it was pretence.  Doing it for the sake of doing it.  Bless her heart, she put up with so much.

Mum's sister, who is the only family member I still speak to regularly on the phone, knows the situation.  She often says to me "Your mum wouldn't have wanted there to be this split."  So I have to remind her that what mum would have wanted was for me to be happy.  And I can't be happy with those people in my life.  My bereavement counsellor told me, after mum passed, that I needed to move on from people like that because of the damage they have caused.  So, I have moved on.

And yet, clearly, I haven't.  I'm still stuck, trying to please everyone - except myself.

I'd only ever send to small, local charities.  I never patronise the bigger concerns.  We have a local homeless centre, and a local cat rescue centre.  They're who I gave to last year.

Martian Tom said:

Maybe I should just say 'no' to the whole thing again, and hang what they all think! 

That's pretty much what I've done for most of my adult life; not just for Xmas, but also birthdays, Halloween, Easter, New Year (my least favourite of all), and any other time where people who wouldn't otherwise give me the time of day suddenly feel the need to show that they "care" just because it's part of some socially sanctioned ritual. I never did get the concept of setting aside "special days" for being nice to people, and I still don't. It's not that I won't socialise with people around those times - it's nice that we maybe have time off work/school to spend together, and I've had some lovely "not Xmas" meals with other, similarly sceptical, friends, even on Xmas day itself. But the fact of it being Xmas has always been totally incidental.

After getting on for 30 years of making it very clear that I don't want to take part, won't be sending cards/gifts and prefer not to receive them, I'd say that around half of the people I know have just about got their heads around the fact that I really, really mean it! The way I see it, if they really do care about me, then respecting my wishes can be the "gift" that they bestow upon me, and the fact that I'll try to be there for them in a crisis should mean far more than a tacky piece of cardboard and a pair of socks!

But if you do decide to opt out, you will still face awkward questions and condescending platitudes, and it's something that you just have to get used to...

• No, I didn't particularly enjoy Xmas when I was a child. I looked forward to de-stressing during the school holidays and hated having my time filled with forced socialisation with people I barely knew, and never could get my head around lying though my teeth when I opened yet another present that I couldn't for the life of me work out why you thought I'd like it.
• No, honestly, I'm absolutely fine spending the day on my own doing the things that I'd usually do. I won't be crying into my microwave dinner, and I will not find being gregarious any less tiresome than usual. Keep your goddamn pity to yourself, thanks.
• I am NOT trying to spoil anything for anyone else. You all do whatever you please, and if it really is all as much fun as you say it is, you'll have forgotten that I'm not there within five minutes.
• No, I'm not being facetious like all the other people who claim to find it all too stressful; it's not a joke, it's not meant ironically, I'm not looking for sympathy - it's  just a statement of my true intent.

I love how everyone is into LEGO!

I would be very selective about which charities to send money to - a lot of the bigger ones are overloaded with highly-paid executives.

I would research small local charities where every penny goes to the cause with no wastage.

I think both sending money to charity and sending them a card explaining is a brilliant idea!

That is a wonderful mantra to live by! 

I remember when I was a kid - socks were of no use to a 10 year old. I remember coveting the fantastic toys back then but mum & dad didn't earn much so the sights had to be set low.

As an adult now, I can have what I like. I make the effort to recreate the feeling of wonder and magic. We treat ourselves to toys and whimsical things - Christmas shouldn't be just a list of what's worn out like socks and some bubble bath - make it fun!

We're all into Lego (my wife is getting the Harry Potter Great Hall this year). I'm getting some Airfix models and our daughter is into photography so she's getting a new camera. (along with a bunch of small fun things).

Life doesn't have any rules so we make our own.