Dating !!!!!!!!!!!!

Hi Keri36,

I've just moved your discussion over to the section called 'Living on the spectrum'. That's all the issues people with autism or Aspergers syndrome may face, and it feels that you might get more support there from other people with an experience of dating.

Rather than setting out to try and find a life partner, which is a very difficult thing to do, the best thing is to do something you find fun where there are other people and something might come of it.

I have to admit, I met my husband while we were still at school - I'm not 100% certain how I would go about meeting someone if I had to start over now. I would be wary dating someone at work because of the fall-out if something went wrong. What about taking an evening class? That could be fun, you would learn something new, and if you met someone then it would be a bonus.

That was one of my parents' answers to my failures with social life. They went to evening classes, perhaps I would benefit? 

I did learn a lot but it was no easier socially. Nowadays I think it is accurate that young people meet moreso than ever in gatherings, albeit they have on-line, twitter and mobile phone options. These environments are crowded, noisy, and disturbing.  I could go to discos (gives my age away) because they were one loud noise I could work with, and you didn't have to talk or look people in the eye.

Parties have always been much harder - I go early and leave when it is getting into the swing - I convince myself I'm doing my hosts a favour by occupying the quiet period though I'm probably just giving them extra work. If there's a garden to escape to it helps. For years though I ended up sat on the stairs or in a corner, too tired to make any more sense of it.

The trouble with evening classes is you have to listen and then follow instructions (and not get confused or lost and look silly). Or while you are doing things you are expected to chat, and people try to make eye contact or communicate non-verbally. If anything evening classes take on the same pressures as school - you are stuck in a place you cannot readily leave with people you are not working out with.

Being with people who are different by choice is I believe an option, though controversial - I can imagine parental reactions to suggesting a goth crowd - but they might be less critical of difference. Similarly, and I can see parental thunderclouds looming, gay venues are used by young couples because they are less aggressive than mainstream clubs and venues, and also by insecure people because difference is more acceptable. But I'm treading carefully here. I can sense this is not what some parents want to hear.

However having floated this idea, are there venues for meeting people that are less threatening? Sport seems to be a solution, especially things like tennis or badminton, where skill replaces the need to socialise. Not easy if poor at games or poor coordination. Things like Chess perhaps?  Environments where the sound and visual world is more controllable or masterable and people judge less how you look and behave, but around how good you are at something.

But please not evening classes. And this is from a teacher. They aren't meant to be social environments. They are there so I can bathe in the wrapt attention of an auduience listening to my every word.

Jim V - mod said:

okay

Hi Keri36,

I've just moved your discussion over to the section called 'Living on the spectrum'. That's all the issues people with autism or Aspergers syndrome may face, and it feels that you might get more support there from other people with an experience of dating.

 

Just wanted to say that you are not alone.

I am in the same situation.

DragonCat16 said:

I've pretty much given up on finding someone to love me. Now, all I wish is that so many people didn't hate me!

Oh, I am really sorry to hear that.

Maybe I should give up as well?

Why do people hate you? It is your right to be alone.

DragonCat16 said:

I've pretty much given up on finding someone to love me. Now, all I wish is that so many people didn't hate me!

I wonder, how the autistic people who are alone manage sex?

Do they live without sex?