Funny word stuff

If you like word-play... I once re-wrote Hamlet's 'To be, or not to be' soliloquy for weight-watchers.  Sorry... some of the puns aren't good...

THE WEIGHT-WATCHER’S SOLILOQUY

…with apologies to Will Shakespeare!

Tubby, or not tubby: fat is the question:

whether ‘tis nobler in the mind to consume

the sweets and mallows of outrageous feeding,

or to take arms against a sea of cellulite,

and by abstaining lose it. To diet?  To slim?

No more!  (and by slimming to say we end

the gut ache and the thousand caramel chocs

the flesh will sag to!)  ‘Tis a consummation

devoutly to be wished?

                                    To diet.  To slim.

To slim - perchance to dream: ay, there’s the rub,

for as we starve to death what creams may come

when we have shuffled off this mortal flab,

must give us pause?  There’s the dessert

that makes calamity of so long abstinence:

for who would bear the nips and chews of lettuce,

the depressing crispbread, the gourmet’s contempt,

the pangs of eternal hunger, the jaw’s decay,

the indolence of orifice, and the churns

that vacant corners of the stomach make

when you yourself might your quietus make

with a bare gherkin?  Who could even bear

to shrink and sag under a boring diet,

but that the thought of something after dinner…

the undiscovered pantry, to whose shelves

all serious eaters return, unmuzzles the gob,

and makes us hap’ly scoff those things we want,

then sample others that we know not of.

Thus, chocolate does make cowards of us all,

and thus the native hue of resolution

is sicklied o’er with the tempting whiff of chips,

and sticky buns of great size and density,

with this regard their currants multiply,

and lose the name ‘forbidden’.

Genius! You really ought to have a wider audience (can I be your agent?!) 

Genius! You really ought to have a wider audience (can I be your agent?!)