Drinking: a confession

I've just read a good bit of the intro and the first chapter of 'Asperger Syndrome and Alcohol: Drinking to Cope?' by Sarah Hendrickx and Matthew Tinsley (link posted earlier, but here it is again).  It looks very interesting, and not too heavy a read.  Matthew Tinsley only got diagnosed at 43, whilst he was in rehab after 25 years of alcoholism, through which he nearly lost his life (he was drinking half a bottle of gin for breakfast at the end).  I liked his comment, about when he first read about Asperger's: "It felt like a joke.  Like someone had made up a list of things which described my life."  Up to the point where it all went wrong, he'd had a successful career, two marriages, his own home etc. But only by consuming increasing quantities of alcohol on a daily basis to suppress the constant anxiety he had felt since childhood. He describes waking each day to: ‘feeling like I was going to be executed; a constant threat of something unknown and bad happening’.  The alcohol doubtlessly fueled that paranoia - but I've felt it constantly throughout life, even before the alcohol came on the scene.

Looks like it could be a worthwhile read.  Interestingly, it suggests that AA might not be a useful place for Aspies who have alcohol problems.  That echoes my experience with the fellowship.  It was useful up to a point.  It helped me through the peer support angle, and being able to share and identify with experiences.  The whole 'Step Programme' thing put me off in the end - and the way the 'Step-N a z i s' would bang on about how I'd never get properly sober until I did the Steps, and had made amends (or attempted to) to all the people I'd 'wronged' through my drinking.

Congratulations, 1986.  First month could well be the toughest.  I went 6 months once, only to relapse when I started to have bad noise problems with my neighbours at the time, and I couldn't sleep.  I have no such issues now.  I haven't touched anything for two days and feel fine.  I'm drinking green tea, too, which is good for detoxing.  Eating healthily.  I cycled to work and back today, then had a dip in the sea.  I feel nice and naturally tired now - how it should be.  Not feeling any urges or cravings.  Feeling very committed.

Keep it going.

PS At work today, a young colleague was bemoaning the fact that she'd got heavily drunk on gin the other night and ended up taking delivery of several flat-pack items of furniture that she doesn't even remember ordering!  She was trying to assemble them with a horrible hangover from a further drinking session.  That's stuff I've done, too.  Made me think...

I'm 1 month sober today so I know exactly what you're going through. 

Merci beaucoup, Graham 

So... I went to see my GP this morning to get the results of a blood test and to pick up a new prescription for Allopurinol, which I've been on for the last couple of months - since my last chronic gout attack, which left me hardly able to walk for almost a week.  My blood purine levels at the time were very high.  They've come down a lot - but are still high.  I was frank with her as to why this was - that I'd been continuing to drink too much.  I said that, considering how much booze I'd been pouring into my system recently, it was remarkable that I hadn't suffered any real ill-effects.  Just an occasional minor hangover which was usually gone by mid-morning.  She said she thought I looked well.  My skin tone is good, my eyes are clear, my blood pressure is normal.  My weight is also stable, and ideal for my height.  My BMI is spot on.  No one would guess that I have a drink problem - except the bin men when they come to empty my recycling bin.

For how much longer if I continue as I am, though?

She agreed that I need to do something.  That I'm at a critical point.  She offered to refer me to local alcohol services, but I've been before and  didn't find them very helpful.  So I said no, I want to do it on my own.  And I'm confident I can.  I've done it before.  I'm not physically addicted, but I could easily get to that stage.  Before I went in, I took a look around at the other patients in the waiting room.  A few were younger than I am, but had some obvious serious health issues.  Mostly, they were around my age and older, and the signs of age-related infirmities and other problems were likewise very evident.  It made me think that, all in all, I'm pretty lucky.  I still have my health.  I made my mind up then that I want to keep it for as long as I can.  I still keep fit.  I still eat well.  I get enough sleep.  I don't have much money, but I don't have any debts.  I enjoy my minimalist lifestyle.  Alcohol is the one thing that undermines all of that and threatens it.  The devil on my shoulder whispering in my ear that he's my friend.

Maybe now is exactly the right moment to make that change.  I've been doing a few things for myself lately.  I've got some new glasses coming, and they will radically change my image (my current ones make me look much older).  I went to the dentist for the first time in years, and got a clean bill of health (amazingly!)  I've also been thinking about cashing in a small pension pot.  I haven't had it many years and it isn't a huge amount of money, but it'll help me to feel a bit more secure at this stage in my  life.  I may even buy a small secondhand camper-van, so that Daisy and I can head off out at the weekends. Better to use the money now than wait another 7 years for the small monthly income it will yield. 

New things ahead, maybe.  But I'm still going to stick to a day at a time.

I'll keep you posted on progress.

Well... a journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step.

I had some booze left from yesterday (I got wrecked).  I got up early this morning and tipped it down the sink.

One day at a time...

Well done, Emma.  You must have very strong willpower.

I think once I stop, I need to stop - full stop!  I've tried giving it a rest before for long periods, then gradually going back.  Before long, though, I was hitting it hard again.

I became very very dependent on alcohol for facilitating socialising (bad idea) and for numbing stress (worse idea) when I was at university. Wasn't a fun experience. Didn't help that I experienced the breakdown of a long term relationship, then an abusive relationship and a lot of associated trauma at the same time.

I decided it was reaching a level where it was a problem- I felt like I just couldn't socialise without drink and I had started drinking alone when I got stressed out too- so I forced myself to learn to be social without the crutch by going completely teetotal for 6 years. I don't tend to do things by halves lol.

I've introduced it very slowly and carefully back over the past year or so, because there were alcoholic drinks I really wanted to try for the taste, not the alcohol content, and I felt I was unnecessarily limiting my options now I was completely capable of alcohol-free socialisation.

I now have 2 booze rules; 
Only on Special Occasions with people I know already (e.g. work dos, parties)
Only spirits/cocktails I genuinely like the taste of or want to try out; no "vodka and whatever I won't taste the vodka in".
They seem to be working well! :)

...Oh no it is me again... (!) Mr Tom, I read your very long response(s) and Thank You very much for it. This reply is as if for anyone reading in general...

I guess the answer to my strange questions was indeed that it is different for everyone. "Drinking/Drunkenesss", effects and reasons, I mean.
(Much of the time when I interact with people, including on here, I get the idea that I am partly not Human (!) and someone just put me here for a laugh/curiosity... I explain what I mean, next...)

I was and still have a lot of physical illnesses. I was teetotal for Thirty Years. I managed to ease off the effects of many of these illnesses, by eliminating a lot of "common/enforced" foods... but this left very very little in the end! As a result, I had to try foods which I hated, including "alcohol" for the first time. Basically, "Alcoholised" drinks are said to "dehydrate" (remove water?) and so in testing these I found my own "threshold", which was what I was asking about.

I never seek to "get drunk", but I can only drink certain things --- because they do NOT cause me Painful Bloating! I cannot even drink "all" alcoholic drinks, either, and this is very annoying as well. If I am offered "Alcohol" in a social situation, then I will likely refuse... because I do not know what is in it. And I always must check the "percentage"/PROOF of it.

...Insofar as "Drinking: A Confession" ("Drinking" as in 'Alcohol', that is) goes, then that would be my own "confession" about it. I think that is all, from me, here. (Given the end responses/digressions, I wonder if this Thread is over, anyway...?)

Not quite ready for “last ditch”.. I see plenty more ditches before me ..

But im writing my own story..

it’s about a high functioning drinker, in a difficult  situation, trying to find her chance to fly... a cross between Icarus and Kafka. I’ll let you know how it pans out! ;) 

Thank you Mr T. 

Have you read any Anne Tyler, Ellie?  I tried one of her novels once, but couldn't get hooked.  However, her latest looks interesting...

Of course not.....

I'm still wondering how much Mr and Mrs profited from the jump in share value of Lockheed Martin after she sent the bombers to Syria.  Not that I'm suggesting that was one of her motives, of course.

What a superb paragon of saintliness indeed

Oh, Mrs May.  A woman who once blushingly admitted (the shame of it!) to having skipped across a wheat field as a child, flattening some of the stalks!  The only misdemeanour in an otherwise stainless life!  Ahem!

Ha. Before she became PM, May was trying to ban catnip! For people anyway. 

I sometimes wish Catnip did it for me, too!  When I see how loopy it makes Daisy go...

This is true.  I have a huge amount of anger over many things - not least the people who've wronged me in the past.  I haven't seen or spoken to my narcissist sister-in-law for over a year - since mum's funeral.  I needed to walk away from there.  She's done so much damage, and not just to me.  My brother, though, is stuck in the middle.  He's been Stockholmed by her, but I think his mind is pulled all sorts of ways.  I think, underneath it all, he carries a big burden of divided loyalties.  Last week was his birthday and I sent him a card - as he sent one to me on my birthday in May.  I didn't get a gift this year, though, and didn't expect one.  Next week is her birthday.  I've been juggling for ages in my head as to whether to get her a card, too.  I shouldn't, really.  No contact is no contact.  But if I don't, it'll hurt him more than anything else.  So I'll send one - just plain, with 'to' and 'from'.  Maybe not a good idea.  But whatever I do, I'll be wrong!

Yes,  intellectualising and analysing the logic of a given situation is one thing but an emotional gulf or essential need not being met and sticky plastered is another.