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Feeling so alone

Dean

I am 21 years old and was officially diagnosed with Asperger's a little over a year ago. I was advised to join this site in an attempt to interact with people like me, and as a chance to see that there are other people going through the same things, and that I'm not alone. The truth is, I can see people on here have their difficulties and that I do have things in common with other people. But that doesn't help. I still feel alone and isolated.

I have never really had many friends. After leaving school several years ago, I had 2 people I considered friends that I felt comfortable with. As time went on I realised these people were not really my friends and were just using me. I did what I should have done a long time ago and cut them out of my life. That was in August 2016. Since then, I've not really had anyone to talk to apart from my family.  I don't really get out anymore unless I'm doing something with family. The only interaction I really get is with my family, however, this is at a point where (through no fault of their own) anything they do or say really frustrates me, because i'm around them way too much. I don't have an escape. I've been depressed for a while now, but with how lonely I'm feeling it is only getting worse. 

I attend a social group offered by the local ADHD and Asperger's team, but I don't even really interact with anyone when I'm there. It's not that I don't want to, because I really do; I'm just not very good at it. I feel so bad about myself, I've tried to make friends, while I was at college, and in various places of work. I just don't seem to be able to connect with anyone. All I want is someone to want to spend time with me, someone that likes me for me. I've tried online apps and dating sites to try and find a companion, with no luck. The task only made me feel worse about myself, as my profiles didn't receive any views and I never received a single reply to any messages sent. Every attempt to interact or befriend someone only leaves me feeling like I'm not worth liking, or that it just isn't possible for someone to like me or want to spend time with me. It's hard to like myself when nobody else does. I often feel like life really isn't for me, but I could never do anything as I couldn't bear the thought of hurting my family, but this only makes me feel trapped.

Parents

  • Hi Dean,

    I was very much the same as you when I was your age. I was involved with people because they had been there a long time or who were using/manipulating me. It was genuinely one of the worst periods of my life- I think it's a big transition age and that's never great for us.

    In our early 20s we go from an educational environment where everyone is expected to be friends with people because "hey, so-and-so is your age/in your class" to being expected to go out and meet people who share our interests and make actual meaningful (possibly lifelong) connections with them- very different and much more tricky!

    What I did was force myself to join a social group that was aligned to my interests and forced me to do things in a group, but with an existing structure (it was geeky quizzes, board games and TCGs for me, possibly something different for you). It's a lot more natural than something like a dating site, where people go in with the intention of forming a close relationship quickly and there is therefore pressure! I don't really like the idea of dating sites for that reason.

    I never really liked the idea of the autism-specific groups either to be honest, I thought it would be unlikely that we'd share interests "just because we're both autistic" and that was the most important thing for me. I find talking so much easier when it's about something I know about and can therefore predict to some extent. This is why I always meet new people who come to my shared house with one of my snakes present- they're always the first topic of conversation by virtue of existing in the room and I know everything about them! ;) 

    So that's what I'd advise you to do- look for a group that shares your interests and go to it (there are websites that list local activity groups, e.g. meetup- a few of my friends found my groups through that). Take off the pressure to make friends and go to something you think you'll enjoy for its own sake, you'll find you're meeting people who share your interests and are therefore easier to interact with and befriend. Plus you'll probably be having fun even if the socialising side is difficult, if the group is devoted to something you enjoy as opposed to being explicitly a "come here and meet people" thing. :) 

  • in reply to Emma

    That's a very good point! 

    And certainly true - I sort of enjoy the knitting club at work, even though I say nothing to anyone beyond what I'm doing (usually something cute but useless as opposed to clothes for grandchildren) and they talk about pensions and grandchildren...

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