Hello everybody,
I have recently began questioning whether I have Asperger Syndrome or high functioning Autism, although I know there is a blurry line between the two. My partner joked that she thought that I had it which caused her to google it. We were quite surprised after reading about it how much of the behaviours I exhibit. We also found the AQ test on the C4 Embarrassing bodies website in which I scored 42. I am male and 27 just so you know!
I have always been pretty different to most people and I have been aware of this since I was very young. I can learn how to do new things almost over night. I taught myself how to make wooden musical instruments from scratch. I also recently built a synthesiser from scratch from circuit diagrams and I had no experience of electrical circuits before hand. Apparently it is not normal being able to do this but I don’t see why others cant do it! I am also really good with computers, have been since in was really young on the old Spectrum’s and Atari’s. I often get sucked into a task and want to spent all my time doing it, I often stay up till 2 am working on what ever it is I am interested in at that time. I think I would stay up longer if I didn’t get caught! Each obsession will last anything from a few days (if I have achieved what I wanted to) to several months. If I have a plan for the day I have to do it otherwise It will completely ruin my day and I cant do anything else, I am just left in a really bad mood.
On the other side of things my spelling and maths are pretty bad. I have always had trouble with it and for the most part It hasn’t changed much. It helps being on a computer, I cant work things out in my head at all. I had big problems at secondary school too. I hated it from day 1 and soon refused to go. I spent most of my school time in a small group of other kids that had various problems, mostly learning difficulties. I self taught my way through school pretty much but I did achieve A's B'c and C's though (well apart from maths!). I tried college but couldn’t cope after a few days and walked out. The work was easy it was just the environment. I don’t enjoy reading much, fiction is a no go unless its something that could possibly happen in the future. So Star Wars, yes this could possibly happen in the future (or was it a long time ago? ) Lord of the rings, No chance, wizards, hobbits, gremlins and magic, all fantasy. I much prefer technical manuals or, strangely, catalogues of nice tools and useful things.
Socially I MUCH prefer to be alone. If I am totally honest I cant stand 90% of people I meet, I find them stupid and boring and I don’t see the point in talking to them. People often confuse this with being shy but I am really not, I just don’t see why I should waste my time having meaningless conversations with people so I am quite happy to stand there in silence. I don’t really hold back with quite frank questions either, I know that people generally wouldn’t ask the questions I ask, but that doesn’t stop me. Overall I am a kind, polite person with time for anyone, If I feel its worth while.
I don’t mean to offend but any kind of religious beliefs or "alternative" medicine beliefs is an instant annoyance for me. I just cant fathom how people still believe in these kind of things. It doesn’t take much to really annoy me. For example, someone saying "haytch" instead of "aytch" makes me instantly see red and want to shout at them (although I never do!) most poor English has the same effect as well as the general stupidity of most people.
I can go out socially and have a good time, crowds don’t really bother and I can join in and keep up with conversations with my friends in certain situations. If I am in a familiar environment with friends I try to block out everything else and I can cope ok. In non familiar places or places I feel are hostile (such as most town centres on a weekend) I cant relax at all and am on constant alert as to who is around me and what is happening.
Again I don’t want to offend anyone but working class people for the most part scare me. I feel like they could turn on me at any moment for no reason, although this has never happened. I also find them almost impossible to talk to.
I don’t take well to people telling me what to do if I don’t see it as the most sensible option. I am happy to take orders from someone who I feel has the right too, not just because they are higher up the management system than me. I spoke to my Mother about all this and she reminded me of a time when I was about 4 that our next door neighbour tried telling me what to do. Even to this day I really dislike that woman but had no idea why until my Mother told me that story!
I find it almost impossible to work for other people. I have walked out of 3 jobs and just not turned up for a few more. I quite quickly get to a point where I just cant take it any more, I find the work pointless and unsatisfying and I don’t see what gain is being made by me doing these tasks. A mixture of stress and anxiety just builds and builds until its too much so I grab my coat, don’t say a word to anyone and just walk out the door. I work for myself now making various things out of wood which I enjoy but I cant do the sales part very well as It involves dealing with people.
This is a strange one to write down as I know its not normal. I don’t really feel any kind of empathy for anyone. I don’t feel anything if people are sad or if you see sad things on TV. (people loosing loved ones, crashes of any kind, natural disasters etc). My partner has joked in the past that I am dead inside as she couldn’t understand why I don’t feel anything. It is hard on her sometimes as I don’t know what to do if she is upset.
On a side note I also don’t like being touched that much. Its ok from close family but that’s all. I cant stand anyone touching my face though, not even my partner.
I could go on for some length but I think that is enough to give you an idea. This is the first time I have ever expressed all these feelings and writing all this down and reading it back, it does sound a bit odd. Fortunately I am old enough now not to care what others think so it doesn’t really bother me. I am a calm person with almost infinite patients so can get by. I will go well out of my way to help people if they ask for it and I don’t expect anything in return.
I plan on going to the doctors to ask for a referral. Its only now that I have had a few weeks to think about all the events in my lift that I can really see how much I have been effected by it.
I just wanted to share with all you guys here what my life is like and get some feedback from people with experience.
Although it is very dry and often goes over the top of most, I can be quite quick with remarks.