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I think I have Asperger Syndrome - what do you think?

spektral

Hello everybody,

I have recently began questioning whether I have Asperger Syndrome or high functioning Autism, although I know there is a blurry line between the two. My partner joked that she thought that I had it which caused her to google it. We were quite surprised after reading about it how much of the behaviours I exhibit. We also found the AQ test on the C4 Embarrassing bodies website in which I scored 42. I am male and 27 just so you know!

I have always been pretty different to most people and I have been aware of this since I was very young. I can learn how to do new things almost over night. I taught myself how to make wooden musical instruments from scratch. I also recently built a synthesiser from scratch from circuit diagrams and I had no experience of electrical circuits before hand. Apparently it is not normal being able to do this but I don’t see why others cant do it! I am also really good with computers, have been since in was really young on the old Spectrum’s and Atari’s. I often get sucked into a task and want to spent all my time doing it, I often stay up till 2 am working on what ever it is I am interested in at that time. I think I would stay up longer if I didn’t get caught! Each obsession will last anything from a few days (if I have achieved what I wanted to) to several months. If I have a plan for the day I have to do it otherwise It will completely ruin my day and I cant do anything else, I am just left in a really bad mood.

On the other side of things my spelling and maths are pretty bad. I have always had trouble with it and for the most part It hasn’t changed much. It helps being on a computer, I cant work things out in my head at all. I had big problems at secondary school too. I hated it from day 1 and soon refused to go. I spent most of my school time in a small group of other kids that had various problems, mostly learning difficulties. I self taught my way through school pretty much but I did achieve A's B'c and C's though (well apart from maths!). I tried college but couldn’t cope after a few days and walked out. The work was easy it was just the environment. I don’t enjoy reading much, fiction is a no go unless its something that could possibly happen in the future. So Star Wars, yes this could possibly happen in the future (or was it a long time ago?  ) Lord of the rings, No chance, wizards, hobbits, gremlins and magic, all fantasy. I much prefer technical manuals or, strangely, catalogues of nice tools and useful things.

Socially I MUCH prefer to be alone. If I am totally honest I cant stand 90% of people I meet, I find them stupid and boring and I don’t see the point in talking to them. People often confuse this with being shy but I am really not, I just don’t see why I should waste my time having meaningless conversations with people so I am quite happy to stand there in silence. I don’t really hold back with quite frank questions either, I know that people generally wouldn’t ask the questions I ask, but that doesn’t stop me. Overall I am a kind, polite person with time for anyone, If I feel its worth while.

I don’t mean to offend but any kind of religious beliefs or "alternative" medicine beliefs is an instant annoyance for me. I just cant fathom how people still believe in these kind of things. It doesn’t take much to really annoy me. For example, someone saying "haytch" instead of "aytch" makes me instantly see red and want to shout at them (although I never do!) most poor English has the same effect as well as the general stupidity of most people.

I can go out socially and have a good time, crowds don’t really bother and I can join in and keep up with conversations with my friends in certain situations. If I am in a familiar environment with friends I try to block out everything else and I can cope ok. In non familiar places or places I feel are hostile (such as most town centres on a weekend) I cant relax at all and am on constant alert as to who is around me and what is happening.

Again I don’t want to offend anyone but working class people for the most part scare me. I feel like they could turn on me at any moment for no reason, although this has never happened. I also find them almost impossible to talk to.

I don’t take well to people telling me what to do if I don’t see it as the most sensible option. I am happy to take orders from someone who I feel has the right too, not just because they are higher up the management system than me. I spoke to my Mother about all this and she reminded me of a time when I was about 4 that our next door neighbour tried telling me what to do. Even to this day I really dislike that woman but had no idea why until my Mother told me that story! 

I find it almost impossible to work for other people.  I have walked out of 3 jobs and just not turned up for a few more. I quite quickly get to a point where I just cant take it any more, I find the work pointless and unsatisfying and I don’t see what gain is being made by me doing these tasks. A mixture of stress and anxiety just builds and builds until its too much so I grab my coat, don’t say a word to anyone and just walk out the door. I work for myself now making various things out of wood which I enjoy but I cant do the sales part very well as It involves dealing with people.

This is a strange one to write down as I know its not normal. I don’t really feel any kind of empathy for anyone. I don’t feel anything if people are sad or if you see sad things on TV. (people loosing loved ones, crashes of any kind, natural disasters etc). My partner has joked in the past that I am dead inside as she couldn’t understand why I don’t feel anything. It is hard on her sometimes as I don’t know what to do if she is upset.

On a side note I also don’t like being touched that much. Its ok from close family but that’s all. I cant stand anyone touching my face though, not even my partner.

I could go on for some length but I think that is enough to give you an idea. This is the first time I have ever expressed all these feelings and writing all this down and reading it back, it does sound a bit odd. Fortunately I am old enough now not to care what others think so it doesn’t really bother me. I am a calm person with almost infinite patients so can get by. I will go well out of my way to help people if they ask for it and I don’t expect anything in return.

I plan on going to the doctors to ask for a referral. Its only now that I have had a few weeks to think about all the events in my lift that I can really see how much I have been effected by it.

I just wanted to share with all you guys here what my life is like and get some feedback from people with experience.

  • Thank you Pauli,

    I think the most beneficial part of all this to me is talking to people like yourself and people on the spectrum and learning that I am not the only one. It a strange feeling being able to do so much while being able to achieve so little. 

    Thankfully I have a good sense of humour too Laughing Although it is very dry and often goes over the top of most, I can be quite quick with remarks.

    It's not something that I want to be saying at 27 but I think I am a bit too old! It is good that people like your son are picked up at an early age now. It was 94 when I was that age and asperger's research was very much in its infancy. After talking to my Mother about it all, it was really obvious as soon as I hit secondary school. I even went to the doctors about it and was sent to see a psychologist. They said it was just stress and that breathing exercises would fix it........

    Thank you the book recommendation, I will check that out.

    Spektral

  • Hi Spektral

    Your description of yourself sounds exactly like my 16 year old son! He has all the traits you describe and more! He can't show empathy either so don't worry about that one! He hates being touched too,can't abide wrong english,doesn't like working class people and everyone apart from family are idiots not worth bothering about!

    He has a great sense of humour though! He was diagnosed at nine.It makes me cross to hear how many people are not diagnosed until later in life! More attention should be given to " Aspies" as my son calls himself.

    You clearly have a lot of talent - I love your work.

    Hope you get on well with a diagnosis- a great book to read is " Alien In The Playground"

    Good luck!

  • Goatworshiper said:

    I here you. I would love to be be able to "master" an instrument, but I dont find playing enjoyable.

    I think that's what make good bands good, they play with each other and not to the metronome. Musicians sometimes spoil music if you get me. 

    Yeah I understand you 100%. I think thats why I have very little interest in modern music although there are a few band, but they certainly not in the any of the mainstream grenres. Compare albums recorded together as a band against as individuals. One is sporadic and has feeling, the other is flat and is just a dead straight play through of the track.

    What you said about mastering an instrument is one of the reasons I make Stick Dulcimers. Its got 3 strings that are a D chord and its fretting in a way that means you can press (almost) any combination of frets and it sounds good. You dont have to understand the instrument to be able to play it.

  • I here you. I would love to be be able to "master" an instrument, but I dont find playing enjoyable.

    I think that's what make good bands good, they play with each other and not to the metronome. Musicians sometimes spoil music if you get me. 

  • I am probably not to your standards but I am pretty comfortable with the processes of sound recording and manipulation. Luckily for me my father has always been involed with music so has always had a studio setup in their house. So since I was very young I have been messing around in there. I am pretty confident with software and hardware and I can arrange music quite well. I just cant play Instrument well enough to do what I want.

    I played drums for about 12 years and can play the guitar and bass somewhat and the keyboards a little better. I am learning the flute at the moment too. My biggest problem is I cant understand sheet music, chords or note positions at all. I have really seriously attempted to learn it a few times and I cant. Everything I play is totally by ear and feel. This makes it almost impossible to play along with other musicians.

    Also the types of music I am interested in making do not make it easy! I have a great idea that I have worked out parts of. Its going to be a 20 minute prog/fusion concept track, but to make it sound how I want it too might be impossible for me. 

    I could knock out tracks all day long using samples and loops but I want to "make" music.

    Its strange though as I can tell you what every note value is and what every symbol means on a piece of sheet music but I cant relate that knowledge to it being playabe music.

  • spektral said:

    Thank you. I read on another thread that you are into producing music.  That is something that I wish I was better at. In terms of creative outlets this ranks the highest  possible for me. I have always made music, but the ideas in my head are way beyond my abilities with instruments. I always want to make music but I get annoyed with myself for not being able to do it. I spent a lot of my teenage years making Drum and Bass, some of which was ok.

    I can record music to a decent level. Although I can't produce it in the sense of songwriting and arranging, I too have ideas beyond my technical abilities. I struggle to get a "feel for an instrument". I can however mix recorded music to a good level and I would regard myself as an excellent live sound engineer, but this is were I've had the most experience. I really wish I could play an instrument, as I've got all the tools, time and skills to record a professional album. 

    What do you struggle with, the playing of an instrument, songwriting/arranging the software operation when recording? 

  • Thank you. I read on another thread that you are into producing music.  That is something that I wish I was better at. In terms of creative outlets this ranks the highest  possible for me. I have always made music, but the ideas in my head are way beyond my abilities with instruments. I always want to make music but I get annoyed with myself for not being able to do it. I spent a lot of my teenage years making Drum and Bass, some of which was ok.

  • When I watched embarrising bodies it really played on my mind, my partner pointed it "they were talking about me" too. I can really identify with this and doing the AQ tests.

    Your stuff looks amazing. If I could improve myself, it would be to have a "creative outlet". Being creative is such a good way to express yourself without being social, keep up the good work.

  • Hello Swinkie,

    I am glad you found what I said useful. I am right at the start of a formal diagnosis but since doing some research, talking to people on here and talking to professionals I am pretty sure that I am on the spectrum. To be honest its some of the best news I have ever had as it gives answers to so many things. 

    As everyone said to me, go to your GP with everything written down and take it from there. The AQ (Autism-spectrum Quotient) test is quite interesting too, although it should be looked at as just an indicator of autistic traits not a diagnosis.

    http://www.channel4embarrassingillnesses.com/features/take-the-autism-test/

    I am glad you liked my work too. The instrument is called a Stick Dulcimer. Its a redesign of a traditional Dulcimer that you would play on your lap. These ones you hold like a guitar. A guy in the USA has made them for years but quite honestly they are very inferior instruments. The build/sound quality is awful, but they are fun to play! So I wanted to make a better version that sounds like a stringed instrument should.

    I made this video recently showing how I make them. The music was played by a customer of mine on one of my intruments and a squeeze box.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kESpOiPhASA

    Thats the brick wall I hit with all my creations, marketing. I can't talk on the phone, or go in to shops and making things to order gives me so much stress I want to just give them the money back so I don't have to do it.

    I am hoping that with a diagnosis I can get some support with dealing with this kind of situation. I have been told to get in touch with a place called BASS (Bristol Autism Spectrum Service) which is an NHS service specialising in adults on the spectrum. It might be worth looking if there is anything in your area.

  •   I'd just like to say, that, firstly I am on here because we think that my partner has aspergers and I found your comments useful.

      Secondly, your work is beautifull. You have a real artistic & sensative eye & I wondered what the instruments were, as i never seen anything like that before. Are they your own design? You realy should get someone to help you market your work

  • Hi Drawde,

    Thank you very much, I am glad you like my work.

    I am also glad that what I have written has helped you. With the social aspect of things I have learnt how to deal with the anxiety of social situations. I will never go out in the centre of town (or any town really) as this is where all the horrible bars/clubs and people usually are. I stick to the nicer areas and stay around my friends. This way I can relax and talk to them and not have to worry about who else is around me as I know its a nice area and the people are just like me.

    The drinks may be a bit more expensive in these places but at least I can have a good time and not feel intimidated by the mindless hordes. Wink

  • Thanks for that Scorpion its nice to know it does make a difference. I have always been frustrated with myself and well, annoyed too I suppose you could say. Like I said in my first post, I can learn things very quickly and people often remark on how good the things I make are or even want to buy them sometimes, but I struggle to get anywhere with anything. I cant do face to face sales at all I dont like the phone either. I get quite hung up on all the little imperfections each thing has that seem to be invisable to everyone but me.

    Like you said, It's about selfworth and being less critical of one's self. 

    Heres a couple of pics of the things I have been making recently in case your interested. The portraits are Mick Jagger and Bob Dylan

  • Scorpion0x17 said:

    Let me guess - though you struggled, you kept yourself to yourself, internalised everything, tried to get on with life, and generally didn't kick up a fuss every five minutes?

    If I'm right, that's why - it's seems, in the predominantly neurotypical world in which we live, you only get help if you kick, and scream, and shout - and those that kick the hardest, and scream, and shout, the loudest get the most help.

    I was like that (kept to myself, didn't make a fuss, internalised, and tried to get on with life), and didn't get diagnosed until I was nearly 40!

    ....sounds somewhat familiar Wink

  • spektral said:

    If you don’t mind me asking, what difference did it make to your life when you were diagnosed? Even the idea that there is possibly an explanation, gives me much relief.

    That's a really hard question to answer, because in some ways it's made a whole world of difference, and in others it's made no difference at all!

    I'm still the same person, still struggle to make friends, still find socialising boring at best and extremely stressfull at worst, etc, etc.

    But, I do now get some help and support that I otherwise wouldn't have got.

    And, I dunno, it's still early days for me I think - only being diagnosed a little over 2 years ago - but, I do find I'm less self-critical and have a better sense of self-worth, because, I finally have an explaination of why I am who I am - in fact, I'm now proud to be who I am - proud to be an 'aspie' - whereas before, though I didn't really think it at the time, but looking back I can see, I was kind of ashamed of being me.

  • Scorpion0x17 said:

    Let me guess - though you struggled, you kept yourself to yourself, internalised everything, tried to get on with life, and generally didn't kick up a fuss every five minutes?

    Yeah your bang on the money there Scorpion. I have always kept to myself and just got on with it, even when things are not going all that well. I have a strong dislike of people that moan and complain about things, just get on with it! 

    If you don’t mind me asking, what difference did it make to your life when you were diagnosed? Even the idea that there is possibly an explanation, gives me much relief.

  • spektral said:

    I find it strange that I have got to 27 and no one has ever questioned me. Even with all my problems at school, I wasn’t tested for anything. 

    Let me guess - though you struggled, you kept yourself to yourself, internalised everything, tried to get on with life, and generally didn't kick up a fuss every five minutes?

    If I'm right, that's why - it's seems, in the predominantly neurotypical world in which we live, you only get help if you kick, and scream, and shout - and those that kick the hardest, and scream, and shout, the loudest get the most help.

    I was like that (kept to myself, didn't make a fuss, internalised, and tried to get on with life), and didn't get diagnosed until I was nearly 40!

  • Thank you for the replies. I plan on going to the doctors once I have moved house at the end of the month. I didn’t really see the point in starting something here then moving 150 miles away.

    Thank you for the heads up Scorpion regarding the Psychologist/Psychiatrist thing. I went on to read a bit more on the diagnosis page here and I can see the importance of getting it right. I will certainly update this thread with my progress at the doctors and what ever comes from it. I hope it will be of help to someone. Its also nice for me to write it down as its not something I have ever done before. Talking about emotions is completely off the cards in normal conversation.

    Its interesting how you can live your life unaware of such problems. Its only when you have the knowledge do things become a lot more obvious. As you say, no one can diagnose me apart from a specialist but I can clearly see the traits of a psychological condition.

    I will definitely print this out ColinCat! I often get to the doctors and feel they are not really listening to me, or as you say, I forget to mention things. I had a stress headache once for 6 months, almost non stop. The doctor pretty much said "well if you were less stressed, then things would get better" yeah...thanks for that.... I gave up after a couple of visits as he obviously wasn’t going to help me. The cure came almost instantly though, I one day decided not to go to work any more as I really hated it and the headaches stopped over night.

    I find it strange that I have got to 27 and no one has ever questioned me. Even with all my problems at school, I wasn’t tested for anything. 

    Thanks again, Spektral

  • I completely agree with what Colin Cat said, above, however, I would also say that you certainly 'tick a lot of the boxes', spektral (in fact in places it sounds a lot you're describing me), however, ticking those 'boxes' can also be indicitive of other things, so do go see your GP and ask for a referal.

    Oh, the other thing to do is to make sure you get a referal to a psychologist who's trained in diagnosing autistic spectrum disorders - you may get refered to a psychiatrist and if they don't have the right knowledge and training you could get badly misdiagnosed.

  • Hi,

    Thanks for you post.  

    No two people with autism / Asperger's are the same and therefore the only people who can realistically give a  diagnosis are the experts.  You would need to go to your GP and ask for a referral.  Taking a copy of your post might also be a good idea as it sets things out really well and clearly.  Sometimes when you go and see the GP you can forget what you are going to say! 

    Let us know how you get on

    Colincat - mod