so i am a fan of a video game called undertale and one of the main reasons is because it has so many morals and moments and things you can learn from it heck i heard of a man who got his will back to live from this game anyways the main thing i'm getting too is how i show people these things like moments that made my cry on the inside or morals you learn from moments of the game and they just go "cool" and that's it and i don't like that because people don't seem to get the meanings behind these moments and characters and the strange things is people can react like that to books and movies but not this game and not just undertale but other things as well that i fell in love with because of some of this and people just don't seem to care as much as i do and that kinda makes me feel like i'm the only one who got the "feels" in amazing videos made by fans that portray these moments perfectly like (you will only know these if you played undertale) when undyne became undyne the undying and what she said before and after and papyrus always believing in you and sans and even mettaton and asriel and both pacifist and genocide and more so what i'm saying is that people don't seem to get the morals and meanings like i do and even if i tell them they will just go "cool".
Wow! That's a long sentence, but I think I get the gist of it!
I'm not really a gamer. I get those things you describe from reading - especially short stories and poetry. The big guns for me are people like Raymond Carver and Charles Bukowski. Carver's fiction and poetry taught me so much: about what love is (and isn't), and the power of meaning in the simplest and most ordinary of things. Bukowski taught me (as Carver did, but in a different way) that it's okay to be me. To be different. To be the lone wolf. To be an outcast. I re-read these two guys constantly - especially when I'm feeling low and bad about myself. They always make me sit up and take notice. They always renew my confidence.
But you’re not a lone wolf, you’re not an outcast, and you're certainly not different. Not from me anyway, and neither are you any different from many others on here. Sure, we’re a bit different from most people, but hey, we’re mostly kind of glad about that.
Your comment about the power of meaning in the simplist and most ordinary of things, and about how you were taught what love is, reminded me of the course in miracles. You may have already heard of it or indeed completed the course. But if not, or for any body else who is interested.
The core teaching of The Course in Miracles is that there is both Love and fear. Love is within us and and fear is what we learn. The Course acknowledges that Love is too great to teach so the focus is on teaching the unlearning of fear. Marianne Williamson explains it this way ~ “Love is what we are born with. Fear is what we learn. The spiritual journey is the unlearning of fear and prejudices and the acceptance of love back in our hearts. Love is the essential reality and our purpose on earth. To be consciously aware of it, to experience love in ourselves and others, is the meaning of life. Meaning does not lie in things. Meaning lies in us.”
Another good quote from the course in miracles, is, “Nothing outside yourself can save you; nothing outside yourself can give you peace. But this also means that nothing outside yourself can hurt you or disturb your peace or upset you in anyway.”
Your comment mostly reminded me of the first two lessons in the Course in Miracles. “Nothing I see in this room [on this street,
from this window, in this place] means anything.” “I have given everything I see in this room [on this street,
from this window, in this place] all the meaning that it has for me.”
The course can be summed up very simply in this way ~ Nothing real can be threatened.Nothing unreal exists. Herein lies the peace of God.”
Absolutely. Before my diagnosis, though - so before I had a proper context for how I was - it was very reassuring to read writers like Bukowski. He lived the kind of life I live, and made art out of it. Gave it meaning. It's like a celebration of failure (that is, 'failure' as broader society defines it), which is something I've always gone for. I wrote a fictional comic blog for a couple of years, about a washed-up guy in his fifties, with no proper job and a string of unsuccessful relationships behind him, living in a damp and seedy rented flat in a crummy town. His mates are mainly drunks and stoners, failed writers, failed musos, etc. It was kind of like a cross between 'The Last of the Summer Wine' and 'Trainspotting', if you can imagine that. It was quite popular. But then the blog platform shut down, and it was all lost. I've tried reviving it on other platforms, but without the same success. Many people commented that it was about time that those at the 'down' end of the scale got their proper recognition. I tried turning it into a novel, but it didn't work. It wasn't meant to be a novel. Most people's lives aren't like novels - they don't have a plot and a neat resolution. It's same sh*t, different day. Or same day, different sh*t! This is what Bukowski realised. It's why I love his writing so much.
In the context of day-to-day life, away from forums like this, I very much am the lone wolf. And I cast myself out more than I'm cast out by others. It's how I prefer to be. Outside, looking in. Not in, where you really can't see anything!
And meaning in simple things. Summed up so well by William Carlos Williams:
Well that’s one way to see yourself Tom, as a lone wolf, but there are also many more ways to see yourself. For example, you could see yourself as a man who is lucky enough to enjoy his own company, who has a job he enjoys which provides not only great value to the people he works with, but to himself as well. He is a man of great character and integrity who is true to himself, a man who values and enjoys the simple and important things in life, such as sharing space and mutual love and affection with his loving companion Daisy. He is lucky enough to have the gift of writing which not only brings great joy to many people but to himself as well. A man who enjoys nothing more than coming home, after a hard day at work, putting his feet up and sharing a cuddle or two with his friend. He’s a man who communicates, on an almost daily basis, with his people, his community, his tribe, his friends, sharing love and laughter, the giving and receiving of support and guidance and who, like only us aspies can, sometimes upsets a few and ruffle their feathers with no mal intent intended. He’s a man who feels intensely, who cares deeply and who experiences the full range of human emotions. He’s a man with a strong sense of social justice, who is a champion of the underdog and who is proud to be in that group. He’s a man of many talents yet to be uncovered. He’s an inspiration, a man with great wisdom that comes only from being in the trenches, experiencing the hardships and who he came through them, all of them. He’s a man who had the love of a good woman, the woman he is proud to call his mother. He’s a man who, like many great men before him, learned to carve his own path and make his mark on the world and helps others do the same. He’s a man with a great vision of a world full of love and compassion, fun and companionship, when surrounded by what seems like the opposite. He’s a man we all love and respect and who gives love and respect, even to those he would rather not. These are just a few of the ways in which you could see yourself, you will have a trillion more. But most of all, you are you, and there’s no one on this planet who can do that job as good as you so no matter how badly you do it at times, and we ALL do it badly at times, when there’s no one else to compare it to, it’s all good, we can even be good at being bad. And what’s ‘bad’ anyway? Some of the worst moments in the history of mankind have turned out to be not only the best for the individual having that experience but also for the good of everyone else as well. Think about Jesus’s worst moment. That little pot of goodness, nestled away in the blossom of your heart, is who you really are, and that is unchanging, unending, with no beginning, it was never born, it just is. All the rest is just noise. And noise, is sometimes good and sometimes not so good and everything else in between.
And he's a man who doesn't take praise or compliments easily, and who is now hiding behind the sofa
Haha but if you look closely enough, there are no compliments nor is there any praise. These are simply genuine ways in which you could honestly see yourself. You are all of these things and more. The only difference is, because we have spent so long denying ourselves, it can sometimes come as quite a shock when we begin to see ourselves, as we truly are, through our eyes.
It’s not so much ‘autism’ that we need to accept and embrace, but who we are. It’s who we are most of the time that counts, not the way we are sometimes, which is all those pesky ways we feel and behave sometimes that don’t feel so good but who we truly are, which is always there and you didn’t get these traits by learning them, this is who you are. We just need to sculpt the world to accommodate us, not compromise or deny us.