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So Nana Died last night...

loulabell

I told Jake and he just screamed "great thats another member of my family whos dead!" His grandad died before he was born. He had his VERY angry face on! Yell

Since then i havent been able to speak to him about it. I am worried hes keeping it bottled up which can never be good :(

He has also said some random silly comments, like "im gonna make a prayer to god and ask him to give everyone eternal youth and give me an ultramatrix so i can get to school quicker." That was once sentance!

Is it okay that he hasnt been sad?

Is it okay that he wont talk about it?

He stated he doesnt want to go to the funeral, that was without me mentioning it!

Will he be okay? I was there when my sister told her kids who are younger than 5 and they cried...they understood it was a sad thing that they would never see thier nana again!

Just thought i would ask...i do worry about him :(

Lou x

  • loulabell said:

    So is it best to leave him, not talk about it and let him deal with it in his own time. 

    He did briefly speak to me this morning about it, but it was just to say that i shouldnt go to the funeral because it will upset me and that he wouldnt want me to be sad. 

    I feel he understands what is happening but its all bottled up, and you think this is ok? (i dont mean that in a bad way, its just a question Smile ) 

    In a word, yes.

    Also, you should allow him to make up his own mind about going to the funeral or not, but keep him aware of when it is, and you may find as the day draws nearer he'll change his mind - possibly even not until the day itself - I'd even recommend, if possible, allowing him to stay at home, maybe with a trusted adult, who would be able to take him to the funeral if he changed his mind at the last minute.

    And, as hope said, whilst we find it hard to read other people's minds we can be very sensitive to other peoples feelings and emotions, and often feel emotions very powerfully within ourselves. We don't lack emotion or empathy, we lack the abilty to read emotions in others - tell him that you want to go to the funeral (assuming you do) and that though it will upset you (assuming it will) that you will be fine.

  • I know that I find it very distressing when I see my parents upset. I don't understand emotions very well, but perhaps for this reason I find them all the more upsetting. Emotions are hard to explain, hard to analyse and are beyond logic, so it might be your son feels frightened. This is just a guess, and I am only speaking from my own experience, but it might be why he is scared to see you upset. Although we have problems with mind-reading, we can also be quite sensitive to other peoples' mood.

  • So is it best to leave him, not talk about it and let him deal with it in his own time. 

    He did briefly speak to me this morning about it, but it was just to say that i shouldnt go to the funeral because it will upset me and that he wouldnt want me to be sad. 

    I feel he understands what is happening but its all bottled up, and you think this is ok? (i dont mean that in a bad way, its just a question :) ) 

    i just dont know the best way to deal with it, they were very very close, he would tell nana things he wouldnt tell me.

    Thanks again for your reply, its much easier to understand from hearing from someone who thinks possibly like he does. You can read all the information you can get your hand on but it wont help you understand if you see what i mean.

    Take care 

    Lou x

  • Firstly, really sorry to hear the sad news. My thoughts are with you and your family.

    Now, regarding Jake, this is what I meant about how we, on the spectrum, process this kind of thing differently.

    I remember having much the same feelings as Jake expressed when my Nan died - I never knew 3/4 of my grandparents, and largely thanks to my step-grandad, never really had the chance to get close to my Nan - so I felt a lot of anger too.

    I also didn't really show much in the way of outward emotion - I internalised it all - it's what we do - how we deal with emotion is to internalise it - it's not a bad thing - and he will be sad, but just won't show it in the same way neurotypicals do.

    Here's an 'Ask Dr Tony' (Attwood) video that deals with this topic (third, and last, question):

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YcU3RJqIfyg&feature=plcp

    Skip to 05:30 to jump straight to the relevent question.