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Is it my fault?

aurelis

I’m 27 and had the past few years doing different creative jobs here and there. I’ve had a lot of interests but really struggled with sticking to one thing. I feel really confused as I keep trying  to do many different things, but can’t keep up with my expectations of it all, and I’m not earning much. I feel shame as many people have told me that I’m doing too much, and I continue to try and do too much. I feel really unsatisfied and I feel as an adult my age, I should know what I’m doing , stick to one thing I can really focus on and progress in that.

But I keep getting tangled up in my head. I’m trying to prove that I have an adult mindset at the same time and please what I think people want of me, and I can’t find what I really want to focus on. 

I think there is a lot of self judgment and being stubborn in my own head, and I think that’s affected me a lot. I don’t want to be in this same position in a year, that’s for sure.

Sorry if it seems I’m being too hard on myself. I struggle to give myself grace when I do feel I need to sort myself out soon.

Parents

  • Hi, I can relate to how you are feeling, I seem to work very hard and not earn very much, I have learnt that concentrating so hard on the fine details of something uses a lot of energy. I keep working 7 days per week, I thought if I do this, then I could achieve the work rate of what I would call normal people. The result is going to bed at 8pm exhausted every night.

    I'm a bit older than you, I’ve watched some of my peers from school go on to have nice cars and holiday homes, I was supposed to be the bright one and have just struggled.

    I find a lot of crossover between autism and ADHD, I can concentrate but really struggle to hold that focus, there’s always masses of thoughts all going on at once. I seem to start different projects and finish none. The key thing I really need to do is to not people please anymore and realise that we use energy up at a very high rate. I don’t actually enjoy anything anymore and that’s another stick I seem to get beaten with.

    I feel I’ve been in burnout since the time I first realised I’m autistic, my mindset seems to have changed, it’s as if I have freed the genie from the bottle and now it won’t return. I thought a diagnosis would answer all my questions, it seems to have created more. I would most probably cope better if I could be freely autistic and not use so much energy hiding it every day.

Reply

  • Hi, I can relate to how you are feeling, I seem to work very hard and not earn very much, I have learnt that concentrating so hard on the fine details of something uses a lot of energy. I keep working 7 days per week, I thought if I do this, then I could achieve the work rate of what I would call normal people. The result is going to bed at 8pm exhausted every night.

    I'm a bit older than you, I’ve watched some of my peers from school go on to have nice cars and holiday homes, I was supposed to be the bright one and have just struggled.

    I find a lot of crossover between autism and ADHD, I can concentrate but really struggle to hold that focus, there’s always masses of thoughts all going on at once. I seem to start different projects and finish none. The key thing I really need to do is to not people please anymore and realise that we use energy up at a very high rate. I don’t actually enjoy anything anymore and that’s another stick I seem to get beaten with.

    I feel I’ve been in burnout since the time I first realised I’m autistic, my mindset seems to have changed, it’s as if I have freed the genie from the bottle and now it won’t return. I thought a diagnosis would answer all my questions, it seems to have created more. I would most probably cope better if I could be freely autistic and not use so much energy hiding it every day.

Children
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