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Tricky situation...

billy_sp

Hi. I was wondering if anyone had any experiences with an undiagnosed autistic partner who reacted in an extreme way to the suggestion that neuro-diversity could be the source of relationship problems.

And I do mean extreme. As in life changing extreme.

And by neuro-diversity in this case I mean two quite different iterations of autism itself, rather than ASD-NT. But would be glad to hear anyone's experience.

I'm not officially diagnosed but it has been strongly suggested that I am autistic by a psychiatrist and CPN. I would tend to agree, as it makes sense of my life. In every way.

I'm currently on sick leave and experiencing what I imagine is quite a severe autistic burnout and depression.

So far it's been helpful to read here that other people are experiencing similar difficulties and still have hope for themselves and support from other people.

The local CMHT has been a source of support to me, mainly owing to my having a wonderful CPN. They do exist!

Thanks for reading.

  • in reply to billy_sp

    Oh, what a terrible situation for you. People do the most awful things through fear, but her accusations much be so hard to bear. I'm not surprised it's had such a toll on your health. My closest friend's brother was used by his girlfriend, who broke with him when she was pregnant and told similar lies to prevent him from ever seeing his sons. He does, thankfully, but it was a long battle through the courts for him. 

    My heart goes out to you. I hope you have the support you need to get through this awful chapter of your life, and that you will still be able to see your children. people hugging

  • in reply to Alexa

    I'm afraid it's somewhat complicated and has resulted in the past year and a half being a nightmare for us all.

    We are both undiagnosed but definitely ND, and have very different strengths and weaknesses, which, ironically, made us not the worst team as parents. Or partners.

    The life changing reaction is that she left immediately after one conversation about autism, and took our two boys with her, has refused to engage in any dialogue, stipulates I can't go near where she is living and is taking me to court to try and get permission to take the children to live in Germany, where she comes from. To back this up she is falsely accusing me of domestic abuse and influencing the children against her.

    Nothing could be further from the truth but I am powerless against her behaviour and accusations. The one good thing is that there is zero evidence for her accusations and I am completely confident she won't win the case. However the emotional toll of this and several stays in psychiatric hospital has pretty much floored me.

    I know that I could have handled things differently, but not very. I also know it is impossible to make other people do or think what you believe is right. None of this helps too much, as I am very low and totally emotionally dysregulated...all day every day. I see just enough of my boys to keep me afloat. I am probably about to lose my job.

    I feel I surely can't be the only one to ever come upon this crazy situation. It's like living in the Twilight Zone.

    If I'd known my partner was so absolutely terrified of autism then I'd have approached it differently, but I had no idea of the depth of her fear, and was myself suffering from Cassandra syndrome ( probably a thorny topic, but one I'm willing to discuss!) and fight or flight urgency at the time, so it was what it was. I had to mention it, although I did it subtly and never insisted.

    And she has completely cut herself out of my life, which I could live with but we still need to co-parent. And, man, that's difficult if you're being accused of mysoginistic abuse, it really is. Her actions are textbook narcissistic... But she's not a narcissist, I've known her 20 years.

    All I can do is try to keep going.

    Sorry for the long story.Slight smile

  • Hi and welcome to the community.

    I take it that you mean that you and your partner are probably both on the spectrum but have some different traits and challenges? We are all different, and just because two people are both ND doesn't mean that a relationship will be easy, of course.

    I am in an ND-ND relationship, neither formally diagnosed, and I understand that it can be difficult to support your partner's needs while looking after your own. But don't give up, we're still together after 48 years!

    If there is a way of rebuilding your relationship, I suggest that you don't mention that your partner seems to be autistic, just focus on what you each need. Don't bring up any possibly contentious topics when your partner is stressed or distracted, and focus on the positives and what things you share.

    I wish you both well.

  • Hi and welcome!

    I'd love to help but Im afraid I don't understand your sitaution. Are you the undiagnosed partner? What is "two quite different iterations of autism"? Do you mean that you and your partner are both autiustic but in different ways? Or at different levels of support needs?

    I'm afraid I don't understand what "life-changing" reation is within a relationship. Has your partner threateneed you with physical voilence? If so, it might be wisest to leave the house. Or if you mean the end of the relationship, what is your main concern - the loss of your partner?

  • Hi billy_sp,

    Thank you for sharing your experiences. I'm sure there are people on here with something to contribute with regards to the first part of your post although it does seem to lack detail. (Might this be deliberate?)

    If you're experiencing burnout and depression then it might be helpful to know that there are things you can do. The NAS website deals with this here (Autistic fatigue and burnout) and here (Depression), and if you would like to read further into the subject of burnout you may be interested in this (Understanding autistic burnout).

    It's great that you feel that this is a helpful community. Also don't forget that by posting here you may find that you help someone else too.

    Warm regards

    Brian Mod