Struggling with the idea of ageing and death as someone who really struggles with change

At 45, i know i’m probably over half way, and that does scare me. I don’t like how time seems to speed up as you age too. I can’t believe we’re nearly half way in October! Then i think, crap, thats another year gone. I don’t like change, i like things to stay the same. I find looking back at old photos and videos terribly depressing, i always come away with a deep sadness and very often cry. Then i start getting nostalgic for the years that have passed, even if i was mentally in a worse place. Even things like phones, cameras and stuff i just start getting emotional over, its like those times when people used those devices, how common they once were, are just a relic of the past. Then i come back into 2026 and everything is so sterile, so cold, so boring and dull. Then i think i need to do something with my life, so i step outside but then can’t wait to get back in because modern life is so stressful! Then it all loops. 

At 45, i know i’m probably over half way, and that does scare me. I don’t like how time seems to speed up as you age too. I can’t believe we’re nearly half way in October! Then i think, crap, thats another year gone. I don’t like change, i like things to stay the same. I find looking back at old photos and videos terribly depressing, i always come away with a deep sadness and very often cry. Then i start getting nostalgic for the years that have passed, even if i was mentally in a worse place. Even things like phones, cameras and stuff i just start getting emotional over, its like those times when people used those devices, how common they once were, are just a relic of the past. Then i come back into 2026 and everything is so sterile, so cold, so boring and dull. Then i think i need to do something with my life, so i step outside but then can’t wait to get back in because modern life is so stressful! Then it all loops.