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identity crisis

HMN

hi, I've been very recently diagnosed and am wondering whether other autistic people can relate to what I'm going through.

Since I've been looking into autism and considering that I may be on the spectrum (and especially since my diagnosis), I've thought about how much I've been masking and how many of my behaviours and traits I know I have picked up from people around me or things I've watched or read. Certain phrases, actions, responses, behaviours, you name it I got it from someone else.

It's made me wonder what about me is actually... me. Is there anything I do or like that's from me or am I just an amalgamation of the people around me? Do I actually have any individuality?

And while I understand why I have been masking all this time it's made me wonder if everything I've ever done has just been a mirror of other people. It would really upset me if my whole life I've never actually been myself and have been masking from other people, y'know? And that's only the behaviours I'm aware that I got from others.. there's probably so many other things about me that I just masked off of others in a subconscious attempt to present neurotypical all this time. I also know that that is extreme and people will say there's things that are uniquely me but I can't find or think of any and quite frankly it's quite upsetting.

Now that I've been diagnosed I've noticed that mask start to slip but in ways I really don't want it to.. I'm becoming much more blunt and being more open about not understanding things (without being aware of it until after) and not only does being blunt make me feel like I'm unintentionally being rude for no reason at all but not understanding things while everyone else does just makes me feel stupid. Whenever someone asks me what say the writer is implying in their work I could not tell you since I quite literally am not built for that and it's quite discouraging and stressful. It also feels like the only thing about me that is uniquely mine are these traits that don't make me feel proudly unique.

Sorry this is so depressing but it's been on my mind and I was hoping others could possibly relate to this.

hope you're having a lovely day!

Parents

  • Hi  

    Just popped by to say this….please don’t be hard on yourself. Think of it this way, you’ve been managing your wonderful autistic brain, whilst at the same time masking. I see masking not as a weakness or trying to be someone your not.

    Masking for me is something I’ve developed for other people. To meet their needs. It’s a strength. Not only are you processing a million things at once, but your adapting yourself in ways that you know will help others around you understand you. It’s a superpower really. Ask a neurotypical to be two people at once?! 

    I am also dropping the mask and it’s not having a positive affect. I’m struggling with family. They know my diagnosis but havnt once asked me what it’s like in my world. I got a text the other day that asked if they could come round for a coffee. I’m dying inside just thinking about it. And internally I’m standing up shouting going HAVE YOU NOT HEARD ME. I do not like coffee and chat scenarios and I’ve already said this but no body hears me. I’m at the point where I’ve realised there is a cost to masking, and a cost to not masking. The cost to masking is my comfort, energy and nervous system triggers. The cost to not masking is probably going to be my relationships, but I’m willing to let that be.

    Take care and take it easy on yourself Blush

Reply

  • Hi  

    Just popped by to say this….please don’t be hard on yourself. Think of it this way, you’ve been managing your wonderful autistic brain, whilst at the same time masking. I see masking not as a weakness or trying to be someone your not.

    Masking for me is something I’ve developed for other people. To meet their needs. It’s a strength. Not only are you processing a million things at once, but your adapting yourself in ways that you know will help others around you understand you. It’s a superpower really. Ask a neurotypical to be two people at once?! 

    I am also dropping the mask and it’s not having a positive affect. I’m struggling with family. They know my diagnosis but havnt once asked me what it’s like in my world. I got a text the other day that asked if they could come round for a coffee. I’m dying inside just thinking about it. And internally I’m standing up shouting going HAVE YOU NOT HEARD ME. I do not like coffee and chat scenarios and I’ve already said this but no body hears me. I’m at the point where I’ve realised there is a cost to masking, and a cost to not masking. The cost to masking is my comfort, energy and nervous system triggers. The cost to not masking is probably going to be my relationships, but I’m willing to let that be.

    Take care and take it easy on yourself Blush

Children
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