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identity crisis

HMN

hi, I've been very recently diagnosed and am wondering whether other autistic people can relate to what I'm going through.

Since I've been looking into autism and considering that I may be on the spectrum (and especially since my diagnosis), I've thought about how much I've been masking and how many of my behaviours and traits I know I have picked up from people around me or things I've watched or read. Certain phrases, actions, responses, behaviours, you name it I got it from someone else.

It's made me wonder what about me is actually... me. Is there anything I do or like that's from me or am I just an amalgamation of the people around me? Do I actually have any individuality?

And while I understand why I have been masking all this time it's made me wonder if everything I've ever done has just been a mirror of other people. It would really upset me if my whole life I've never actually been myself and have been masking from other people, y'know? And that's only the behaviours I'm aware that I got from others.. there's probably so many other things about me that I just masked off of others in a subconscious attempt to present neurotypical all this time. I also know that that is extreme and people will say there's things that are uniquely me but I can't find or think of any and quite frankly it's quite upsetting.

Now that I've been diagnosed I've noticed that mask start to slip but in ways I really don't want it to.. I'm becoming much more blunt and being more open about not understanding things (without being aware of it until after) and not only does being blunt make me feel like I'm unintentionally being rude for no reason at all but not understanding things while everyone else does just makes me feel stupid. Whenever someone asks me what say the writer is implying in their work I could not tell you since I quite literally am not built for that and it's quite discouraging and stressful. It also feels like the only thing about me that is uniquely mine are these traits that don't make me feel proudly unique.

Sorry this is so depressing but it's been on my mind and I was hoping others could possibly relate to this.

hope you're having a lovely day!

  • Hi, I'm not diagnosed, I'm in diagnostic process. I had such thoughts long time ago, long before the word autism and the suspicion that it may be me, appeared. I also saw already in other threads and places on the Internet. It's part of masking. It's copying others behaviour either to be more likeable or to stop feeling so different,  it may also be part of expressing, that you like it (someone's behaviour,  certain phrases, etc) - you like it, so you take it and built into your behaviour. I'm nit saying,  this is the reason for you, but a possibility. 

    I used to think, that all other people have their own unique personality and only I don't have any. I used to hear, that I copy someone. For example my sister told me I was copying a friend, who I used to hang out with. I finally understood that this lady was taking advantage of me and left. How I copied her- apparently I copied her way of moving, tone of speaking, what I was aware of myself was copying her intrest. I was so ashamed of myself being different and having no personality,  also of my past- that I was bullied at school that I wanted co cover my lack of personality and failures. So I even started listening the same music, she did although deep down I hated it. I'm a bit curious if and how you or others may relate to my experience of thus phenomenon. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.