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identity crisis

HMN

hi, I've been very recently diagnosed and am wondering whether other autistic people can relate to what I'm going through.

Since I've been looking into autism and considering that I may be on the spectrum (and especially since my diagnosis), I've thought about how much I've been masking and how many of my behaviours and traits I know I have picked up from people around me or things I've watched or read. Certain phrases, actions, responses, behaviours, you name it I got it from someone else.

It's made me wonder what about me is actually... me. Is there anything I do or like that's from me or am I just an amalgamation of the people around me? Do I actually have any individuality?

And while I understand why I have been masking all this time it's made me wonder if everything I've ever done has just been a mirror of other people. It would really upset me if my whole life I've never actually been myself and have been masking from other people, y'know? And that's only the behaviours I'm aware that I got from others.. there's probably so many other things about me that I just masked off of others in a subconscious attempt to present neurotypical all this time. I also know that that is extreme and people will say there's things that are uniquely me but I can't find or think of any and quite frankly it's quite upsetting.

Now that I've been diagnosed I've noticed that mask start to slip but in ways I really don't want it to.. I'm becoming much more blunt and being more open about not understanding things (without being aware of it until after) and not only does being blunt make me feel like I'm unintentionally being rude for no reason at all but not understanding things while everyone else does just makes me feel stupid. Whenever someone asks me what say the writer is implying in their work I could not tell you since I quite literally am not built for that and it's quite discouraging and stressful. It also feels like the only thing about me that is uniquely mine are these traits that don't make me feel proudly unique.

Sorry this is so depressing but it's been on my mind and I was hoping others could possibly relate to this.

hope you're having a lovely day!

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  • HMN said:
    It's made me wonder what about me is actually... me. Is there anything I do or like that's from me or am I just an amalgamation of the people around me? Do I actually have any individuality?

    Hi! To a large extent, we're all shaped by the people around us, especially those closest to us. And when I say 'us' I mean everyone - ND and NT.  That doesn't mean you're not you - you have taken what suits you from others. Sometimes it's bad stuff and sometimes it's good, but you've shaped it differently and woven those threads together into a unique pattern that didn't exist before.

    HMN said:
    not only does being blunt make me feel like I'm unintentionally being rude for no reason at all but not understanding things while everyone else does just makes me feel stupid.

    If you feel you've been too blunt, you can always apologise and say that you tend to be direct and sorry if it makes the person you're talking to uncomfortable. It helps me to remember that bluntness is often a matter of pride in some people as a cultural thing e.g. some Yorkshire people I know, or some of my friends in Northern Ireland. It's not just an autistic trait.

    HMN said:
    Whenever someone asks me what say the writer is implying in their work I could not tell you

    I'm a writer and I get bothered if I feel I've been too subtle sometimes. On the other hand, I know many readers don't like everything to be spelled out, so it's just a matter of taste in reading. One of my friends is aphantistic and can't read novels at all because he can't picture things in his mind. Apparently that's relatively common and not confined to ND people. We're all different, regardless of ND/NT. 

Reply
  • HMN said:
    It's made me wonder what about me is actually... me. Is there anything I do or like that's from me or am I just an amalgamation of the people around me? Do I actually have any individuality?

    Hi! To a large extent, we're all shaped by the people around us, especially those closest to us. And when I say 'us' I mean everyone - ND and NT.  That doesn't mean you're not you - you have taken what suits you from others. Sometimes it's bad stuff and sometimes it's good, but you've shaped it differently and woven those threads together into a unique pattern that didn't exist before.

    HMN said:
    not only does being blunt make me feel like I'm unintentionally being rude for no reason at all but not understanding things while everyone else does just makes me feel stupid.

    If you feel you've been too blunt, you can always apologise and say that you tend to be direct and sorry if it makes the person you're talking to uncomfortable. It helps me to remember that bluntness is often a matter of pride in some people as a cultural thing e.g. some Yorkshire people I know, or some of my friends in Northern Ireland. It's not just an autistic trait.

    HMN said:
    Whenever someone asks me what say the writer is implying in their work I could not tell you

    I'm a writer and I get bothered if I feel I've been too subtle sometimes. On the other hand, I know many readers don't like everything to be spelled out, so it's just a matter of taste in reading. One of my friends is aphantistic and can't read novels at all because he can't picture things in his mind. Apparently that's relatively common and not confined to ND people. We're all different, regardless of ND/NT. 

Children
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