"That's not a valid excuse"

I agree that they seem to use set phrases, but sometimes for a solution to be considered they need to understand why it is needed. It was only when I had a burnout that the full impact was seen. In some ways I don't think unless you experience the impact, or live with someone who does full understanding is seen. 

Homebird said:

They often don't seem to get what I am saying, or reply with why something happened, even if I am just explaining how things are in the hope they understand the difficulties.

I suspect they have been indoctrinated to use SMART methodology when looking at problems so reflecting this back should get better results.

When you have a difficulty, only cover the details briefly and focus on how the help can be given - managers typically prefer when you bring a solution when you also bring a problem. If you want to detail some of the issues here we can suggest how you may choose to phrase them in this way.

I've been thinking about this sort of thing a lot recently, but in the context of honesty (bear with me) ...

It seems that in the neuro typical world a bit of 'truth bending' or 'white lies' is commonplace, often even accepted, whereas we tend to say more how it is. I guess because excuses and truth bending are so common, those around us may occasionally call it out, but in your specific example it was in fact simply you telling the way it is (and not playing about with the facts)

I was upset by something recently where I was saying how it is, but was being called a liar for it. Much like you I was greatly offended, as I know I'm not lying. However, when looking at it in this way, perhaps it explains why NT's think you're lying (making excuses), when actually you're not 

Not in so many ways, but when I email my manager to explain difficulties I am having, the way they reply is often not helpful. They often don't seem to get what I am saying, or reply with why something happened, even if I am just explaining how things are in the hope they understand the difficulties. Possibly your difficulty is similar in that they don't understand that this is how we are, not an excuse.

I can't seem to choose a username said:

it doesn't matter what other people think, it doesn't change the truth.

No, it doesn't. I'm just suggesting tactics to avoid the games of malicious NTs.

I suppose I could say "oh well, if that's what you think" or something like that. I like to tell myself that it doesn't matter what other people think, it doesn't change the truth.

This person is trying to pick a fight. The opening statement "stop making excuses" is just to put you on the defensive. When you react, the person turns it into your fault. The response is to shrug, say "If that's how you say it," and refuse to say anything more. They will try to get you back on their hook by saying other stuff, but it all comes to the same thing - this is the office equivalent of playground bullying. Don't respond to their taunts.

The response then, from the person telling me to "stop making excuses" or "that's not a valid excuse", if I say, "no, it's not an excuse it is an explanation or a reason", then they say "why are you so defensive" or "why are you always arguing" or "stop arguing". And I say "I wasn't arguing, I was explaining something" and then they say "There, see you are arguing now". I hate it.

The PE teachers in my secondary school in the 60s had no patience for physical ineptitude.

Maybe that was the thinking when we were younger, Marianne? Or it could be that PE teachers have some weird kind of psychopathy were exercise and team sport is the answer to everything?

My response would be, 'Why do you think that? Do you want me to clarify?' At work, it might be to do with a rule they haven't properly explained, or that they don't understand your response. You could add, if appropriate, 'that feels like you are criticising me.' People don't always realize the impact of what they are saying.

I remember as a young teen at school asking mother to write a note excusing me from PE because I had a period. The form mistress said, 'you can't cry off all your life.' I felt shamed, but had no reason to. This was a personal judgement and this teacher abusing her power. What she ought to have done is asked about my symptoms, see if I needed medical support [thus showing empathy]. She might have talked of resilience without the implied suggestion I was, 'trying it on' There were many put-downs by various teachers from this so-called Church of England school, including poking fun at my weight in front of other pupils. Clearly, they were in want of being taught ethics.

I used to get this at school a lot and I'd be like no, it's not an excuse... It's a reason!

lol I had a moment of panic because I just said something like that on this forum and immediately regretted wording my thoughts that way, so I thought this was calling me out. Phew! I guess I’m super self-conscious lol

Yeah, my general response is “You’re right, it’s not an excuse. It’s an explanation.” That distinction makes it clear that you can take some blame for negative results, but there is a reason that is at least partially outside of your control. Very similar to your response, just worded a bit differently. Personally I’d be afraid to claim telling the truth, but that’s probably because I’m in America where “truth” is a contentious topic lol

Mac78321 said:

after talking about a project I'm working on, I don't want to go too much into it.  I was talking to the head of the department, and they said, " That's not a valid excuse"

I tend to shut them down when they try to challenge something that is clearly out of their jurisdiction by saying something like "that is above your pay grade so take it up with the head of department if you want to".

This will normally shut up those who are trying to insert themselves into something that is beyond their scope.

It won't make friends of course so use sparingly but it should build a reputation that you are not to be messed with.

I have and my respinse is 'no, its a reason'