I can't grow out of it

I really find change difficult. There are some changes at my work place and I cannot understand how they are going to make things better in any way. Recently when the team were talking about the new changes in a teams meeting I just burst into tears and then it’s like that for me for the rest of the day. So I get how you feel. Keep that Lego set in your mind… it’s soon evening time. 

In my later working days (retired now) Tony Blair's government decided to privatise (or at least semi-privatise) the industry I was working in which was at the London Air traffic Control Centre, situated just outside London Airport. 

I only worked in the stores and they brought in managers, as is usual when they're intending to make economies, so they appointed a general manager who was looking to make changes, probably more for the optics rather than real efficiencies, and my section was one of the "soft" targets since we didn't have the clout of, for example, air traffic controller or engineers.

So, anyway, he had a look at the stores and decided it would be a good idea to have a separate receipts and despatch area, as everything was handled in the main stores area and always had been for decades, a place I had worked in for years and become very used to without any major issues. Problem is the only area that was nearer to the loading bay area was actually a kind of dreary basement surrounded by all sorts of noises from various machinery. It had been used up to that point as a bulk storage area that accommodated large items that were too big to keep in the main stores or items that were rarely issued over the counter. 

So, they asked for volunteers from the store's staff to work in there, two people being enough, and I was quite keen to try it out, and to be perfectly honest, there was a particularly obnoxious colleague I wanted to get away from, so I jumped at the chance.

Well, pretty much as soon as I started working in there, I became very aware of all the irritating noises that surrounded the area and felt quite trapped and became very anxious and panic driven. I told myself to calm down and give it some time as I might adjust to it, but I knew I wouldn't be able to tolerate that environment day after day for a stint of what could be months or even years. 

This set up a terrible conflict in me in that while I did not want to work in that area, I also didn't want to be seen as "letting the side down", so I kept quiet for the time being.

Unfortunately, I took this worry home with me, knowing I simply could not tolerate that stress every day, so I thought of ways I could make excuses to get back into my main area. So, when I went in, I told my line manager I could not work in that kind of environment and wanted to return to the main area. They weren't very happy about it but, as I was a long serving member of staff, grudgingly allowed me to return to the main stores area.

Now, this may sound fine but the continued worry of them perhaps forcing me to go back there at some stage affected my mental health and it set-up a permanent state of high alert and vigilance in my body which resulted in a phobic reaction to noises, even in the formerly "safe" environment of the main stores area which had presented no problem but which now caused me much distress..   

So, I had to put up with this pretty much up until the day I retired, although it did quiet down shortly before they moved to another location and the place was going to be demolished to make way for flats to be built and they had to turn off most of the machinery.

They even sent me to a couple of company psychiatrists, which didn't help at all because I don't think they were aware of the problems of autistic people and just thought I was "sensitive."  I got the impression that some of my co-workers thought I was making excuses not to work in that area because I wanted to avoid the work but that's far from the truth as I did that kind of work formerly in the main area. I think the attitude was if he can't stand the place then find another job, but I had a lot of years I had contributed to my pension plus the salary we got was pretty good and had been bult up over the years. I did, in fact, apply for some internal positions but once you're in the stores it's very unlikely that you're going to get a transfer.

I can honestly say it ruined my peace of mind forever and I still have problems with noises, especially hospital noises or noises that are unpredicted. 

In my later working days (retired now) Tony Blair's government decided to privatise (or at least semi-privatise) the industry I was working in which was at the London Air traffic Control Centre, situated just outside London Airport. 

I only worked in the stores and they brought in managers, as is usual when they're intending to make economies, so they appointed a general manager who was looking to make changes, probably more for the optics rather than real efficiencies, and my section was one of the "soft" targets since we didn't have the clout of, for example, air traffic controller or engineers.

So, anyway, he had a look at the stores and decided it would be a good idea to have a separate receipts and despatch area, as everything was handled in the main stores area and always had been for decades, a place I had worked in for years and become very used to without any major issues. Problem is the only area that was nearer to the loading bay area was actually a kind of dreary basement surrounded by all sorts of noises from various machinery. It had been used up to that point as a bulk storage area that accommodated large items that were too big to keep in the main stores or items that were rarely issued over the counter. 

So, they asked for volunteers from the store's staff to work in there, two people being enough, and I was quite keen to try it out, and to be perfectly honest, there was a particularly obnoxious colleague I wanted to get away from, so I jumped at the chance.

Well, pretty much as soon as I started working in there, I became very aware of all the irritating noises that surrounded the area and felt quite trapped and became very anxious and panic driven. I told myself to calm down and give it some time as I might adjust to it, but I knew I wouldn't be able to tolerate that environment day after day for a stint of what could be months or even years. 

This set up a terrible conflict in me in that while I did not want to work in that area, I also didn't want to be seen as "letting the side down", so I kept quiet for the time being.

Unfortunately, I took this worry home with me, knowing I simply could not tolerate that stress every day, so I thought of ways I could make excuses to get back into my main area. So, when I went in, I told my line manager I could not work in that kind of environment and wanted to return to the main area. They weren't very happy about it but, as I was a long serving member of staff, grudgingly allowed me to return to the main stores area.

Now, this may sound fine but the continued worry of them perhaps forcing me to go back there at some stage affected my mental health and it set-up a permanent state of high alert and vigilance in my body which resulted in a phobic reaction to noises, even in the formerly "safe" environment of the main stores area which had presented no problem but which now caused me much distress..   

So, I had to put up with this pretty much up until the day I retired, although it did quiet down shortly before they moved to another location and the place was going to be demolished to make way for flats to be built and they had to turn off most of the machinery.

They even sent me to a couple of company psychiatrists, which didn't help at all because I don't think they were aware of the problems of autistic people and just thought I was "sensitive."  I got the impression that some of my co-workers thought I was making excuses not to work in that area because I wanted to avoid the work but that's far from the truth as I did that kind of work formerly in the main area. I think the attitude was if he can't stand the place then find another job, but I had a lot of years I had contributed to my pension plus the salary we got was pretty good and had been bult up over the years. I did, in fact, apply for some internal positions but once you're in the stores it's very unlikely that you're going to get a transfer.

I can honestly say it ruined my peace of mind forever and I still have problems with noises, especially hospital noises or noises that are unpredicted.